Previously on The Bachelor: Sean Lowe “met 25 stunning bachelorettes…and one familiar face.” Ouch, what a diss on Kacie B. Anyhow, we skip skip skip the reviews and previews. Wait, whoops, I’m watching week 2 again, not 3. Well, I skip this part regardless.
At this point I’d like to say that a friend of mine is, right this moment, attending a second night of inaugural balls with President Obama. And I’m at home watching The Bachelor on Hulu. Oh: but also my cats are meowing at me a lot. So there’s that.
We open with: Sean Titties! Again!
Yay, this is much better than meeting the POTUS.
Chris Harrison recites the same week 3 speech he always gives to the women: “Use your time wisely. When you see him, make it the best.” I think that’s secret code for, “Give us some kisses or the show is boring.” He flips down the date card and goes back to his hotel for the week.
Leslie H. the poker dealer confessionals that’s she’d LOVE a one-on-one date. Bwaaah? That’s so unexpected. I wonder if they film all these cutaways before the season even starts. “Ok, we need some of you gals to say, ‘I would love a date with Sean.’ All right, now we need a few of ‘I’m starting to feel real feelings, and I’m realizing he’s dating twenty other women!’ Don’t worry about the number, we’ll dub it in later, our sound editing is totally awesome.”
Robyn says, “I want the date card to say, ‘Robyn…let’s ditch these bitches and go fall in love for real.” We like Robyn.
Date card says, “Leslie M. [hot nerd-hater] how long will this love last?” Duh. We all know the answer is, “Until the cameras are shut off.” She dresses up for the date:
Can I just say I hate this style? That lace crap? It’s like you’re wearing camo—I can’t see the curves of your body at all in that. C’mon Leslie. Step it up. It’s week 3, make every moment count. (Also, notably, once a gal came and visited me and wore a dress like this to dinner and I wasn’t really fond of it and told her and HOLY COW was I ever in trouble for the rest of the week. She was all, “Well, I don’t like YOUR SHOES,” and I’m all, “These are really nice Italian shoes!” and she’s all, “Whatever!” and then she told me about how her ex-boyfriend had the hugest penis ever and also I didn’t get any kisses. But we already know Leslie won’t be kissing me since I’M A HUGE NERD so: YOUR DRESS IS UGLY HAH HAH.)
Sean confessionals that he’s taking Leslie someplace cool, but the date’s going to start out seeming crummy, and he’s interested in seeing her reaction. Oh, man, that gag is so awesome! We should do that every fucking show!
So he takes her to the Guinness World Records place in Hollywood. It looks like a dump. She confessionals she’s disappointed. I’m surprised the Guinness folks let their place be used as the shitty decoy. I’d love to see how the producers negotiated that one.
Sean shows her that his dad has a Guinness record for driving across the contiguous US states in 97 hours. Wow. That, plus now he’s on The Bachelor. It’s like we have American royalty.
Now they’re going to attempt to set the record for “longest on-screen kiss.” She actually turns bright red under her orange tan.
Bless her heart. (Usually when a gal pulls her hair back and opens her mouth like this it means something else.)
Ad for discovering America on speedboats, except Hulu has some bug right now where my ads often get truncated and we jump back into the program. Which is A-OK with me.
OK, let’s skip most of this; it is going to be stupid. They have to kiss for 3 minutes, 16 seconds. Big whoop. I know a gal who once gave a dude a 30-minute blow job. That impresses me. Where’s her world record? Also, where’s her Nobel prize? Because we should be rewarding that shit.
Oh, damn, they have to air the entire thing or it doesn’t count, I guess. It’d be kind of awesome if they decided to just blow out the record and go 10 minutes. Anyhow, they kiss for a long time, in public.
Ad for Larry King, putting on lime-green suspenders. I don’t get it.
Night. They’re on the roof of some building, but who knows which one.
Leslie says she was “kind of a nerd” in high school. Oh, I see, she’s a self-hating nerd. ”I took AP classes.” Wow, that’s super-nerdy!
They kiss. Man, I sure love to watch slurpy tongue kissing.
You know this is being recorded, right, Sean? I mean, the girl you end up with is going to see this. He also said to her earlier, “You’re the only girl I want to set records with.” Yah, that’s going to lead to some nookie-less nights, buddy. (Try insulting her dress next!)
Back at the mansion, a date card arrives!
I don’t remember who this gal is but she looks like Rebecca Gayheart and I’m OK with that. Is it the orphan? AshLee?
Selma confessionals, “I absolutely want a one-on-one date with him.” No fucking shit. Seriously? You’re not kidding? Damn. I had no clue!
"Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H., Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Tieran, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie, Tierra: Who’s going to win my heart?" I hope this means it’s decided by gladiator fights.
Back with Leslie on the date, Sean gives Leslie the rose. I typed that before it happened, but come on. I think we all knew ahead of time. He’s still saying blah blah fast feelings connect with someone quickly couldn’t have asked for a better day and jesus FINALLY he’s giving it to her. (The rose, pervert.)
"I got a rose. It’s the best feeling ever." Wow. I have a new invention for you, Leslie: it’s called ‘rose bushes.’ Google them, if that’s not too nerdy for you.
Really, though, if being one of 20 gals a dude is dating is the best feeling you’ve ever had, I sincerely hope the rest of your life is better than the first part.
Somebody dumps confetti on them from on top of the sign. Classy romance!
Coming up: Bikinis!
Ad for Chicago Hope on Hulu. Never watched it, won’t start. Ad for Criterion collection, in black and white. I know I’m a movie heathen because I’ve seen exactly none of these films and have exactly no interest in correcting that.
Sean’s waiting on a beech for his beeches. I don’t want to jinx it, but I bet he’s gonna take his shirt off!
The girls strip down. They beg Sean to take his shirt off. NOWAI!
Chris Harrison shows up. The girls will be broken into two teams and play volleyball to finish the date with Sean! And the losing team will ALL BE GOING HOME! Oh, burn. Suddenly we’re in Glengarry Glen Ross.
Man, I hope Sean stocked this date with his b-list gals, because it’s up to chance who’s going home. (Also, here’s an advantage to having one arm: you don’t have to play beach volleyball to stay on the show.)
Volleyball…more volleyball…what can you say about volleyball? These gals are really bad at it. It would have been neat if they’d licensed some music and made a montage.
Lindsay the substitute teacher says, “I not only want more time with Sean, I need more time with Sean.” She’s taking the abuse-of-‘literally’ thing to a whole new level, baby.
One team loses. It’s stocked with gals I don’t recall ever seeing, so I think he did OK. Man, he’d be super-sad if he lost Kacie and Amanda (hot-tub gal).
Losers’ parade. Danielle the “commercial casting associate” (snicker) says, “It’s fusstrating” in a way that frustrates me. She makes the sad-girl duckface:
Leslie H. the poker dealer cries in the cab home. “I’m scared I’m going to go home without him actually getting to know me.” Normally when people say they’re scared of something it’s not something that’s actually happening to them right that moment, but whatever. She also makes the sad-girl duckface:
Duckface: it’s good for what ails ya.
It’s telling we don’t even get good-bye confessionals from the four other gals—we wouldn’t even know who they are. I feel like this game must have been rigged, because he just shed a ton of deadweight and lost none of the girls he likes, and he did it without looking like a bad guy at all.
Sean’s taking the winning girls to his house—they’re filming the first part of this season in Dallas. Apparently he lives in a mansion? Damn.
Desiree confessionals, “The other team is probably crying in their beds at home,” and, seriously, being ungracious in victory is not attractive:
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the losers arrive. OH! They’re not going HOME home, they’re just going back to the mansion. Well, geez. You could have been clearer about that. Daniella again mentions she’s ‘fustrated’ and I’m wondering if she lost her ‘R’s in the cracks of her casting couch. That’s always where shit ends up, amiright?
She also replays her duckface for us all, this time with a twist.
McKayla Maroney she is not.
Two of the girls are crying. Someone call the waaambulance.
MEANWHILE, the meanwhiles are getting bigger back at Sean’s house. None of the girls have commented on the fact that he appears to live in a mansion. I’d think it’d be polite. Like, “Damn, nice house, Sean. What the fuck do you do for a living?”
He’s spending time with Lindsay the substitute teacher and she speaks like she has an IQ of maybe 90. Well, 85. Short words, simple sentences. Huge turn-off.
I mean, for me. But Sean likes sticking his tongue down women’s throats.
Alone time with Amanda. She has strange front teeth:
WTF? Those are really low. She’s like a beaver. “I think differently, than a lot of people? I don’t just think on the surface…and I enjoy life, I enjoy the beauty of life, and…that’s why I’m happy ever day!” I feel guilty for having been attracted to her last show. I blame bikini!
She kisses him.
Watch out she doesn’t accidentally bite your tongue off!
At the maison des femmes. Date-card doorbell. Hatchet-face runs for the door. “AshLee… and Sarah!” A face-off, this early? No, she’s kidding, it’s just AshLee. Hah! “Do you believe in magic?” Oh, god, I hate theme dates so much. Are they going to the Magic Castle in LA? Haven’t they done that? No, I guess it was Top Chef that did that.
Sarah (the one armed bland-it) is all pissed off that Hatchet-face messed with her. “Wait, that was like, not cool.” Give her credit for wearing her heart on her sleeve! “Don’t ever read my name on a date card as a joke!” Those things are sacrosanct! And thus they continue to make Hatchet-face the villain.
MEANwhile, back on the date, Desiree asks the assembled gals, “So, what are you guys hoping for the night?” in a totally not-planted line that people on group dates would naturally ask each other. They catch the other villain mid-chew, so we can hate on her, too:
Hah, hah! Look at her…all chewing, like a big chewy chewer! Gah, we hate her so much, with her chew-face. Finally she swallows and says, “I hope I get that rose.” Amanda asks, “And what are you going to do to get it,” and Chewy responds, “Whatever it takes.”
Oh man! It’s like she’s got her own personal screenwriter! Do you think she just came up with that, on the fly?
Oh, Chewy is Amanda the Fit Model. You’re fit but my gosh don’t you know it. She passive-aggressively comments that she thinks a lot of girls have a stronger connection to Sean than they actually do. Not sure how she’d know that, but whatever. She has her time with Sean and tells him what a great wife she’d make (that’s not creepy, but whatever). Amanda is supposed to be overhearing them and she passive aggressively comments that “some girls” are different when they’re with Sean than when they’re with a bunch of other girls competing for his affection.
They show Amanda the Fit Chewer talking to the women saying how happy she is with how she presented herself to Sean and how she’s looking forward to getting a rose. Why would you tell the other women this? This woman is really out there.
Kacie sees this and wonders (for the camera) if she should tell Sean about the Amanda / Chewfit fighting, because he probably would find it unattractive. Yes, Kacie, BEING THE TATTLETALE ON THESE SHOWS ALWAYS WORKS. (PS: It never works.)
Kacie tells Sean, “I feel like I’ve been punched in the face… I don’t feel like it’s my place [but I’m going to say it anyhow]… I’ve been caught between a rock and a hard spot.” OH MY GOD STOP WITH THE “I FEEL” SENTENCES KACIE FOR GOD’S SAKE.
"It’s between two girls…and…it’s between Desiree and Amanda." Either she’s the worst storyteller in the world or this is the worst editing in the world. She tells him that, like, Desiree is her friend, but she doesn’t like Amanda, and Desiree has confided in her, "but yet I don’t want there to be, there was just different dynamics between the two and I didn’t understand it at all. And I can’t be myself." Kacie is giving like the lamest tattle-tale ever.
Sean looks genuinely uncomfortable. “Um…why are you saying something to me?” SCORE! YES! THANK YOU.
Kacie’s look could be described as “nonplussed:”
Sean: “Both of them seem fine, and neither has said anything to me about it.” Kacie: “And I don’t want to be the person who does!” Hmmm. See, evidence has recently come to light that casts doubt on your testimony.
Man, this is not going well for her. OK, potential bachelorettes reading this, what have we learned? DO NOT BE THE SNITCH. Just let the other girls get distracted by fighting, while you’re having fun with the man. Kacie, you should know this! This isn’t your first hodeo.
Also, is she wearing a yellow plastic bag around her wrist?
Is she taking her dog for a walk while she’s on this date? That’s optimizing your time!
Sean keeps making “um” and “uh” noises. Finally: “Why are you involving yourself?” Smack. “I want you to act like Kacie. Not like this crazy person that I’m seeing.” Double-smack!
Kacie confessionals, “My plan just doesn’t seem to be panning out the way I thought it would.” No, no, it’s going great! “You’re a crazy person” is the final step before getting that ring, sister!
Kacie doesn’t get a kiss. He walks her back.
Sean grabs the rose and natters on about “seeing other sides” of the women, which we know is code for “your asses in bikinis.” Finally: “Lindsay, will you accept this rose.”
Ooop! Where’s Lindsay! She’s disappeared! I can’t see her! Oh, there she is! There’s Lindsay! Yes she is!
Kacie confessionals that she looks like a crazy person. I think she’s REALLY drunk, is the problem . Maybe that yellow plastic bag is an anti-drink ticket? The producers are like, “Whoa, we’re getting into liability issues here if we keep pouring alcohol into this one.”
She starts bawling, and then gets up to leave her confessional: “I’m not supposed to cry this early.” Oh, man, I don’t even know what to do with that one.
Walgreens ad. I like Walgreens — they’re open a lot and sometimes the pharmacists are really nice. But I fucking hate the guy who does these voiceovers. It’s the guy who was the DJ on Northern Exposure and he was, like, the original proto-hipster who brought all that back and I hate him so much.
Morning, KayLee’s day. She’s looks great when they do full-length shot, but up close she’s kind of a Monet:
Her voiceover is all about her being adopted because on this show you get only one personality feature and hers is “adopted.” (Actually, if I recall it was “orphan” more than “adopted,” but I don’t want to start THOSE waterworks.)
She says, “Nothing will and can go wrong today,” and that cues an external shot where we hear someone falling down the stairs of the mansion. Then we see this person lying on the stairs in what I’m sure isn’t a posed shot because that would be wrong.
I mean, most people who fall down stairs are instantly knocked unconscious, right?
Tierra took a big fall. I guess. She appears out of it. Sean appears and diagnoses her with a concussion, based on
his years of medical practice the fact that he’s had “several concussions” himself. Well, cue the waaambulence for real, then!
Wait, that’s a firetruck. How is that going to get her to the hospital?
There are like a hundred responders taking care of her. Medical jargon. They’re putting her on a stretcher, and she’s all, “I am fine. I don’t want to do this. No. This is stupid. I just want to be left alone” Hrm. Methinks the lady doth protest just the right amount.
The responder says they want to run her over to get an X-ray. She says very clearly, “I don’t want to go there. It’s not necessary. So let me out of here.” This raises some interesting issues, because if she actually has a concussion her thinking is impaired, and she could cause serious damage to herself if she’s not hospitalized, but does that imply that you should be able to forcibly hospitalize anyone over their objections?
A greasy-haired production assistant says, “Tierra, I really, I really, I really want to recommend that you go to the hospital.”
Yah, no conflict of interest here, because he actually only cares about this being great TV, and doesn’t give a shit what’s good for her. See? No conflict!
They have women confessionalling that Tierra should have just listened to the men from the hospital, and then they switch to AshLee confessionalling that Tierra is “the boy who cried wolf.” Wait, if she’s crying wolf, why did the producer really, really, really want her to go to the hospital? Make up your mind, producers! Is she really injured, or is she faking it?
Let’s analyze this. We have a long shot of Tierra being discovered lying artfully draped on the stairs, apparently unconscious. I mean, there’s no way someone falls down stairs, lands like that, and then just hangs out in that exact pose without moving unless she’s unconscious, right? If you were conscious, you’d instantly move your arms, your legs, lift your head…you’d see what’s hurt.
So, either (a) she hit her head hard enough to knock her unconscious, and they absolutely should have taken her the hospital, or (b) the producers made her lay there because they missed the shot of her falling down the stairs and it’s great TV, then they called the ambulance even though she just had a little boo-boo, and then they planted the notion that this was all her idea because she’s an attention-whore.
We’ve known this show to be misogynist, but this is a new low. Is the crying-slow-clap a thing? Let’s make it a thing.
Sean checks on Hatchet-face.
Related: I have the results of her latest ob-gyn exam. Sean hangs out groping her for a while while AshLee fumes inside. He’s got his hand up touching her head which I think precludes a concussion.
Red Lobster has 30 shrimp for just $11.99! I’d totally go to Red Lobster if I could find one again. Just for the hush puppies. I haven’t had a real hush puppy since I was 14.
Sean and AsHLEe are finally on the highway in a Jeep. She confessionals, “I’m definitely ready to move past Tiera’s big fall,” and spend some time talking about ADOPTION.
Ugh. Didn’t I say I hate these dresses?
They’re going to shut down Six Flags just for The Bachelor! I don’t care! But this is also about charity! Because charity is close to his heart. So they’re taking two girls with chronic illnesses on their date. This does not sound like my ideal date, but I guess I’m not such a humbug that I’m going to pick on the critically ill.
"Because we’re doing something to help others, it thrills my heart," says AshLee. Ugh. We’ve gotten to the point where I’ve realized I wouldn’t be caught dead dating any of the gals remaining on the show and we’re only at week 3.
OK, the two sick girls are online friends who have never met in person, and it’d be hard to fake the sweetness of them actually meeting. But we’re here to make fun of stuff, so I’m skipping ahead.
Skip…skip…riding rides…skip…I’m not going to make fun of sick kids…skip…win a giant stuffed animal…
Night time! Eating crap at the park. That’s the only part of parks I liked, was eating crap. Also, video games.
But wait! Sean says, “To cap off the best day ever, we have a private concert by my favorite band, The Eli Young Band.”
AshLee and Sean are alone at last. AshLee confessionals: “I’ve been through a lot in my life, all of which I want him to know about.” See, stop right there. No. This isn’t the point of dating. It’s not a race to see how quickly you can dump all your baggage on the other person.
She tells him, “I definitely want as many children as—my husband and I decide.” Yes. I also want as many children as I decide to have! I think most people do.
She also wants to adopt! Especially older kids. Sean, too! AshLee says, “That’s unexpected to hear out of your mouth,” because she’s secretly a robot from the planet Blorzark 12. “And that really just pulled at my heartstrings.” Yes, I am feeling many of your human emotions right now.
AL: “Because I was adopted at 6, and…” oh boy here we go! “When I was in a foster home, I was abused by a family.” S:”My gosh.” AL:”Isn’t that crazy.”
AshLee: “Literally, if that’s all I walk away with, how lucky am I?” Lucky enough to tell the story on your first date with every guy, I guess? I dunno, we’re in an uncomfortable area, making fun of abused kids. Can we go back to Sarah-with-one-arm? I’ve prepared a ton of jokes for her. Like, if she tells Sean he should be careful with her heart, I can be all, “Well, Sean, forewarned is forearmed!”
S: “You have one of the most optimistic, positive outlooks of anyone I’ve met.” Wait til he sees the footage of her fuming when Hatchet-face fell down the stairs.
She tells about meeting her current family when she was little and being bought off by her new dad and Sean starts crying and gives her a hug. Is a hug as good as a kiss? For me, the answer would be no. But Sean’s really “sincere.” He gives her the date rose.
ASHlee: “It felt good to finally tell somebody that I’m falling in love with about everything that I’m insecure about.” I’m sorry, but I simply don’t believe this is the first time you’ve told this story. Like, you told it during your pre-show interview? That we all saw? On national TV? “And…he had no issue with it.” Well, tears issued from him.
Eli starts another song. I guess he’s playing right behind them.
God, I’d find that super-awkward.
"So far, in this journey, I’ve already opened up to Sean more than I have to anyone in my life.” OK, first: drink, because she said “opened up,” and second off, REALLY? I mean, REALLY? You’ve opened up more on a first date with a dude at Six Flags that’s being filmed by a huge crew than you have with anyone in your entire life? Jesus Christ is that sad.
He give her some Sean tongue. Bitches love Sean tongue!
Target ad. Fierce-looking woman striding in slow motion amongst exploding cake mixes, to music that wants to be “Battle Without Honor or Humanity” but they couldn’t afford it. “Dominate that bake sale!” says the voiceover. No, really, it says that.
Yet another indicator that this show is maybe not aimed at single male software developers.
Rose ceremony night at the mansion. Catherine says, “It’s all becoming more serious.” Ooh. She switched “real” out for “serious.” I dunno if we drink to that one? Better safe than sober, though.
While we’re talking about Catherine, I found out two more of my Seattle friends are friends with her. And that Catherine watches this season’s The Bachelor at a bar in Seattle, which I think is kind of awesome. I imagine her seated in front of the TV and exclaiming loudly, “Oh, man! Who’s that girl? She seems familiar! Anyone recognize her? I feel like I know her.”
Daniella (maybe?) the fluffer fluffs her hair and says, “I always feel like it’s the calm before the storm.” Do you…what does that even mean? I mean, it’s a cliché, but what are you trying to say about this moment? Like, this night is anything but calm. And is giving out roses the storm?
Sean comes in and says shit about developing strong relationships and his heart is wide open. But open like what? Open like a child’s mind?
Sean has a surprise for Sarah, because she didn’t get any attention this week. He’s excited for her to see it! A limo pulls up.
"Are you sending me home?" she asks. You gotta love the f’ed up power dynamic on this show. Every woman constantly afraid at every turn that the guy will unilaterally banish her.
She starts flipping out: “You can’t do this! You can’t do this to me!” But, it’s just her dog.
Now, I would actually be super-pissed if someone flew my cats across the country without me knowing. I don’t trust you to make travel arrangements for my cats. Did you give them seats or toss them in stowage? Did you tranquilize them? Did someone fly with them? See, those aren’t your decisions to make, because they’re my goddamn cats. I’d be MAD.
She cries. She confessionals she feels like a “hot mess.” Can we all just stop saying that? I don’t even know if it means you feel like a fresh pile of dog shit (it’s hot and a mess), or if it means you’re sexy but also messed up.
They show the dog chewing on a tennis ball and have added squeaky noises for comic value. Because in their world, tennis balls squeak. I’d like to go to Bachelor Wimbledon. “It’s 20-love…here’s the serve…SQUEAAKA! Back-court…SQUEE!”
Back inside, Sean asks Tiera for some time with her hatchet-face. Ugh. She asks him, “So, what do you think?” Ugh she’s dumb. Seriously, what kind of question is that? So, do you like stuff?
Desiree steals Sean from her, and they start kissing. Hatchet-face is angry immediately and steals him back. I feel there need to be rules on this stealing or in a few seasons the gals will just be playing hot potato with the guy. Desiree is angry.
There’s like a montage of girls stealing Sean, with Sean voiceovering that there’s a different feel tonight. Desiree is complaining to another girl about it now. Memo to Desiree: you wrapped your legs around him in the hot tub. You’re safe for this week.
Kacie finally gets time with Sean and apologizes for being crazytimes the other night. Then two girls show up and join them, including one with a rose. Now that’s just rude.
Chris comes in to tink his glass. He doesn’t even say anything. Sean says two lines. They’re actually low on time!
Another ad cut off and skipped by Hulu. Thank you, bugs!
Chris: Leslie M, Lindsay, and Ashley are safe. Roses mean you stay. Here’s Sean.
Sean: I might find the person that I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with.
He takes several super-deep breaths. I wasn’t even looking at the screen because I was waiting for the first name, and I could hear “hhhhhhhhhhhhhhn, hhhhhhhhhhn, hhhhhhhn.” So, drama.
"Actually, before I do this… Kacie can I talk to you?" Drama!
Lindsay recaps what JUST FUCKING HAPPENED for us. “All of a sudden Sean pulls Kacie out of the room immediately.” WHAT? NO WAY! He did not! Are you sure?
He takes the rose with him. All the girls notice. He takes Kacie out front. I’m sure no lights are set up there, since this is a totally spontaneous moment, so the footage is going to look like crap.
"I admire you so much for leaving your life behind…and I have too much respect for you to make you stand through another rose ceremony when I think we’re better off as friends."
I guess we know how much respect he has for the other bimbos then. Also, kind of cruel to take the rose with you when you’re walking someone out early. “John, I have a special bequest for you here at your father’s funeral…let’s walk over into my private office, but first let me just grab this huge stack of $1,000 bills that’s sitting here…OK, your dad told me he always hated you and you should pound rocks.” [Pockets money, turns away whistling.]
Sean walks her five feet to where the limo is waiting.
Hmm. Do you suppose if the Bachelor asks to talk to you out front and you walk out there and there’s a limo facing that direction with its lights on, you kind of know what’s coming? Or was she like, “Oh boy! Are we going for a midnight ride! Whee!”
"Hey, wait a minute! You’re not getting in the limo! And there’s a cameraman in here with me!" Also, it’s not even a limo, it’s a hatchback thing.
Sean tells the assembled women how he was “just friends” with Kacie. “Kacie has gone home.” God, the guys are so powerful in this show: “Susan…will no longer be with us. MUAH HAH HAH oh did I say that part aloud?”
"Tiera" Hatchet-face. He likes thick-legged women. "Yes."
"Lesley H." Poker dealer. "Absolutely, thank you."
"Catherine" Gal we all know. She’s very quiet.
"Daniella" the porn star. "Thank you."
Pause. Girls are nervous. Plus really quiet tonight. They’re all pretty subdued after Kacie was taken out front and shot.
"Robyn" we love her. "Yes! Thanksalutely."
"Selma" boobs. "Chu."
"Sarah" army of one. "Of course"
"Jackie" a redhead? looks like Jessica Rabbit? I dunno. "Yes"
”Amanda” the fit model, public enemy #2.
Chris comes in. “Ladies, Sean, this is the final rose tonight, when you’re ready.”
Desiree still doesn’t have a rose and is furiously fluttering her eyelashes.
She’s liable to lift off if she keeps it up.
"Dez" he has a pet name for her. Because SHE HAD HER LEGS WRAPPED AROUND HIM so duh he picked her. "Of course."
Chris explains how good-byes work. Sean hugs a bleach blonde who may or may not have been on the show before. Oh, Taryn the Health Club manager. You’d think dating a health club person would be something Sean could really take advantage of, since he’s constantly working out topless. She says she might not be ready. Or sweet enough for him. Aww. This is pretty sad.
Kristy the former model is also sad. She breaks down on camera. Which makes a great cut to…
SEAN toasting all the remaining women!
So I found out that after the final ad break they show awesome out-takes this season! I went back and watched the first two. They’re hilarious, I recommend them. Let’s see what we have.
Oh, it’s Sean and AshLEE and the girls at an olde-timey photo place in Six Flags, playing dress-up. Man, why’d they cut this, this stuff is totally hilari…zzzzzz