The Bachelor: Season 18, Episode Juan

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Aah, he’s covered in blood! He’s killed them, he’s killed them all!

This season on The Bachelor: the Bachelor has an accent! I guess they got tired of being called racist.

I skip to 1:40 so I don’t have the season “spoiled.” God, how I treasure these moments I can skip.

They’re doing a photo shoot with “Juan Pablo.” Filming a photo shoot: a trick they learned from porno so they can double the mileage for any given situation.

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This is only at 2:02, folks: it’s going to be a long, shirtless ride. Here he is stretching topless! Now he’s jogging topless. He refers to the show as “El Bachelor” because he grew up in Venezuela and you know, it’s the law if you spend time anywhere you have to revert to that language periodically so everyone is aware. I knew a gal in college who went to Ireland for one summer and when she came back and said “aye” instead of “yes” for three years.

Oh, he’s a sports consultant in Miami. He here is in a totally unposed scene with a player who I guess carries around a GIGANTIC trophy wherever he goes. I guess he’s homeless, maybe?

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Poor dude. You’d think they’d pay him more after he won that huge trophy.

Ah, he used to be a professional soccer player. And, oh god, he has a daughter, “Camilla.”  Wow, they’ve really refined their selection process, here. This guy is like cocaine mixed with catnip. Cocknip?

More Camilla. More. More of it. Minutes and minutes of daughter action as he blathers on about how he’s lurking for lurve. “I wanna have two more kids badly.” Why not try doing it well this time?

“This process is about finding the person I want to be with.” Whaaaaaa duh fuh? What show am I watching?

Coming up: Sean comes over for a giant hormone bro-down and gay sex.

Apparently Comcast’s player doesn’t play ads on my machine. Nice. Good thing you guys decided not to allow your show on Hulu this year, geniuses.

We come back to the stupid daughter. Ok, she’s not stupid, I’m sorry, daughter, if you’re reading this. I just don’t want to watch another goddam kid on this show. Oh, shit, I’m sorry, you’re not goddam. God’s probably neutral about you. Neutral at worst, I mean. He might even like you? Fuck, I dunno. This is really your issue.

Juan Valdez decided to call Sean to get some bro advice on how to bro out on his bro-tastic show. Imagine two jocks talking about how to nail 25 chicks and you’ve pretty much got the feel of this.

Sean advises Exxon Valdez to not kiss women in front of other women. Truly, he understands the wonder that is females. Sean also says he’ll have a lot of “hard” nights. Hee hee. But he should trust his gut! Your gut! It’s the touchstone of the show. Remember the gut!

Juan Pablo showers in preparation for meeting the women.

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I want you all to remember this later, when I’m posting pictures of women’s butts. I’ve put in the time here, ok?

Juan shaves but he’s still as fuzzy as he was before. He’s like Don Juanson. What? Nobody? Miami Vice? 1980s? Big jackets, Commander Adama?

MEANWHILE, Chris finally appears at the mansion. The least-hard-working man in show business. “Hi, I’m Chris Harrison, and blah blah blah met a man generated excitement [how do you measure that?] blah fans loved his stupid daughter [sorry, you’re still not stupid] blah blah Juan Pablo-fever has reached epic proportions [luckily I got my Juan Pablo shot at Walgreens].”

Let’s meet some of the women who’re coming to meet One Pablum. Chelsea lives in Ohio and is a big silly! She has ugly eyes and I’ve already written her off. She’s learning Spanish to be with him. Ooh, what’s that scent you’re wearing? Why, it’s Desperation, by Chelsea of Ohio.

Renee starts off in a bikini, bless her heart. There’s a good shot of her butt. As someone who’s becoming a butt man, I have to say I appreciate its overall meatiness. Thank you, Renee. She loves her son, Ben. Maybe Ben can date Camilla?

Andi is a gang prosecutor. They have a whole fake scene where she’s supposed to be at work, except, like, the courtroom is empty. Not great staging. Andi hasn’t “come to terms with the fact that I’ll be dating the same guy as 24 other girls.” Well, technically, ten of you are getting cut before the first date, so he’ll only be “dating” 15.

Amy J. is a massage therapist, which wins a lot of points with me but she’s not in a bikini or anything. My bar’s now been set artificially high. She’s giving some super-muscular dude a massage that looks like it involves a happy beginning, middle, AND ending. “None of the men I’ve dated have enjoyed massage.” Jesus Christ! You must really, REALLY suck at your job. Then she says she wants to be appreciated, and they act out a scene where she says, “Juan Pablo, I made you breakfast!” and does the fork-is-airplane bit:

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Run. The. Fuck. Away.

They show her writhing around and fake-swooning for him. Hopefully they don’t let him see these before the show starts.

Nikki is a blonde nurse! She’s preternaturally perky!

Lauren is a Mineral Coordinator. I thought they’d run out of ways of saying, “cocktail waitress.” I kid! I’m sure her job is very glamorous. You know, telling those minerals where to go, making sure they meet their deadlines.

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Lauren’s going on about her most recent ex, and the sad music is playing. She met a man a year ago, and after a bit, he dumped her! OH MY GOD. “It’s something you just don’t get over!” Um, yah, actually, you do? I mean, normal people do. Like, if you were playing Family Feud and the clue was “Something you get over,” the number one answer would be “A Break-up.”

Valeria is a personal trainer. She hopes the other girls look like her pet goats. “C’mere ugly!” she says to the goats. “Ugly people need love, too.” Well, the producers are definitely keeping her. No question. She’s in for six or seven shows until she does something so far beyond the pale that they get to kick her out with a big parade. “Not only am I a pretty girl…but I’m not afraid to file these things [her nails] down and scratch some eyeballs.”

Ah, gold. The producers have struck gold. I bet they took turns snorting coke off each other’s dicks when they saw her tape.

Lacy is from La Jolla.

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She’s from a family of 13, with nine of them special needs. I’m not shitting you. She owns a nursing home and probably has already been sainted. Great, now I’m going to be the asshole for making fun of her. Wait, I’m the asshole anyhow. How freeing!

Claire is 32 and part-Mexican, so she can relate to ¡El Bachelore! Her dad died of brain cancer. Sad music…crying. Geez, this show is a damn roller coaster! Her dad made a DVD before he died, that nobody has seen, just for her future husband to watch. NO PRESSURE, JUAN.

Still no ads. This is great.

Chris is back. He looks all sweaty and tired from the five minutes he had to talk earlier in the show.

“By popular demand: Juan Pablo!” Jan Pebble pulls up in a limo and says some stuff to Chris.

Chris tells him he has MORE than 25 women. What? Yes, there are two extras, because he’s so damn cute. Now he has 27 problems and a bitch ain’t Juan.

Amy L. comes out of a limo in a red dress. She seems pretty but she hasn’t prepared a skit or pratfall, so who cares, really?

Amy got a big old butt.

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They catch an awesome shot of Juan watching her walk away.

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Yup. Juan likes big butts. It’s a theme, here. See if you notice!

Cassandra is a former NBA dancer, and immediately sets off all my “crazy” bells. She’s real pretty but they run out of things to say in two sentences and the sounds editors IMMEDIATELY dub in some crickets. Come on, guys. Let us get warmed up first.

Christy is a marketing manager. Mneh. No skit.

Juan Direction sighs after she leaves: “I am likeeng thees first leeemo, hmm.” Which is petty funny.

Christine is a police support specialist.

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I’m assuming “police” is her nickname for her dress.

She brought a gift for his daughter. That’s almost like a skit, but I demand more humiliation.

Nikki the nurse finally appears. Juan must have said he love-love-loves the bottle blondes with big butts. And she has a prop! Finally. She’s brought a stethoscope so he can listen to her heart pounding.

Kat is a medical sales rep and is ALSO a bottle blonde. He certainly has a type. She tells him he should teach her to salsa, and they bust a move. That’s like a skit, but it’s kind of blah. Where’s the gal dressed as a poodle who says, “I’m doggone in love with you!” and that kind of shit?

Chantel is an account manager. She’s black. She teaches Juan Deryears how to pronounce her name, which is, like, exactly how you’d say “Chantel.” No surprises there! I guess she figures since he is muy no nativo he probably doesn’t know fancy American names. Juan Bubbles doesn’t make any comment about her, so she’s going to be cut very soon.

Victoria is from Brazil and is smoking hot.

Oop! Here we go!

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Lucy is a “Free Spirit” from California and they’ve dressed her as a flower child. They’re playing their “derp” music in case it’s not clear we’re supposed to see her as comic relief. She hasn’t come three feet out of the limo and I can tell you she’s getting cut the first night.

She’s not wearing shoes, because she’s such a free spirit and/or loves tetanus. However, she did shave her pits. Look, we’re doing comedy here, folks, not horror.

Danielle is a nurse, she’s pretty cute. She says she hasn’t planned anything (thank you!) but “I have a present for you inside, so we’re going to have to make some one-on-one time.” I’m assuming she means “inside my vulva.”

Time for another skit.

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This gal is, like, bicycling a piano to the mansion? I’m not sure, I just grabbed this screenshot, hold on.

Yes, I was right. As insane as my guess was, that’s what she’s doing. Lauren S. is a music composer. I’m guessing she had to leave for this show months early to get that thing here on time. Christ, this mansion is on top of a mountain, too. Imagine her calves! And her butt!

She’s not that great a player, and hits a few wrong keys. She’s so nervous he has to run inside  after her to ask for her name. I’m guessing when he lets her go he’ll be all, “Our relationship didn’t start on the right note.”

LIMO 3. So many limos. Too many, some might say.

Chelsea is a science teacher. She’s brought props! “I thought: Why not do a little science experiment?” Uh, because it comes off as desperate? Yes, I’m right again.

Suddenly she throws the props in the bushes and says, “Instead of doing chemistry, we don’t we just have chemistry?” Oh, I know this one, too! You don’t have chemistry because you seem really desperate. Two-zip.

After all these years there must be so much detritus in those bushes. Remember the Mormon guy’s skateboard last year? Bushes.

He checks out her butt, too. For science!

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Valerie the probably-psychotic personal trainer who lives on a farm with goats comes out next. She’s wearing cowboy boots, and says, “You can take the girl out of the country but you can’t take the country out of the girl.” (I suspect the statement that actually applies to her doesn’t have that extra “r” she added.)

Elise is a first-grade teacher who’s a bottle blonde with a thick butt. Surprising, I know. It’s like Sir Mixalot was the casting director this season. (This is the second time today I’ve typed “Sir Mixalot” because I talk about butts a lot. Verdict: I like them.)

Ashley is a “25”-year-old grade school teacher who has had a lot of cosmetic surgery for being 25. She has brought him a gold star as her skit, it falls flat. Her voice sounds like she has been smoking for fifty years.

Juan von Peebles asks, “Is there somebody else in the limo,” because the line producer asked him to because, seriously, nothing has happened tonight except women coming out of a limo, so why would you wonder that aloud right now?

Cue derp music and the foley guys to add a bunch of grunts as we see someone struggle to come out of the limo. Oh, look, it’s more comedy relief.

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Yes, she’s “pregnant.” This might be funny except they already did this gag on “Burning Love,” which is Ben Stiller’s hilarious send-up of The Bachelor. So they’re stealing jokes from their parody. This seems low, but not as low as pretending you’re in a fight with a woman on a plane on Thanksgiving just to grab headlines.

We come back to the women in the house nattering, to delay the excitement of finding out that gal isn’t actually pregnant. One of the girls comments they’re “waiting for the crazy person,” which is just real enough I kind of believe it’s not scripted.

MEANWHILE, outside, fuchsia mom waddles up to Juan Pedro. Clare is a 32-year-old hairstylist who can’t spell her own first name, so that’s two strikes right off the bat. (With the “baby,” not the hair thing.)

She tells him she knows he wants more children and then she asks him to feel it and then says, “So not real!” Ah ha ha! You fooled us none!

Juan Pardo says, “You look gorgeous with that belly!” Well…I guess we know what his kink is. I bet he’s a big fan of Jennifer Love-Hewitt.

Alli the nanny comes out with a soccer ball, and says, “I’m looking for a team-mate.” They’re doing props this year but nobody is really committing to them except crazy piano gal. Alli isn’t a blonde but DOES have a big butt. He checks that action out.

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Time for Amy J. the overly-attached massage therapist. She says, “I just want you to know I’m here for you, because it’s you.” This is her actual face when she says it:

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He says, “ooooaaaaahhhh,” and this is his actual face:

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Yah, she’d get cut tonight, except the producers already love her. She’s going to be like episode 8.

Renee the real estate agent / single mom / bikini wearer comes out. Spoiler alert: we already know SHE has a good butt, thanks to her foresight with the bikini. She has a nice smile and seems pretty great so far.

Laurel H. the mineral coordinator (again, wtf?) comes out, with the tragedy of her life trailing behind her like a musk. She makes crazy chipmunk faces at him and I hope to god he cuts her the first night like a sane person.

Maggie the personal banker is a brunette with a big butt from Georgia. She brought him a “fishin’ hook” because she likes to fish.

A dog comes out of the limo, followed by Kelly the “Dog Lover.” No, really, it says that. As her career.

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She’s cute as a button, but, you know, you have to decide for yourself how much crazy you’re willing to take with your cute.

The seventieth (or so) limo arrives. Sweet jesus. More foley sounds of women clamoring.

Lacy the super-hot nursing home owner / saint / my perfect woman emerges:

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I think it’s fair to assume Lacy is the new Catherine. She brought him a huge bottle of pills from “Cupid’s Pharmacy” because she thinks the other women will give him a headache.

Look, she’s a smoking-hot saint so we’re going to let this slide, ok? She gets a pass on like the first six dumb things she does.

“Remember to take two pills and think of me!” It’d be awesome if he’d say, “But I don’t think I can open the bottle with only one hand,” but that’s just me.

Alexis, communications director, brunette, butt.

Kylie the interior designer is a bottle redhead! Wow, we are really mixing it up now. 

Sharleen is an elegant-looking opera singer, and surprisingly doesn’t explain to him how to pronounce “Sharleen,” instead she just, you know, says it aloud. She’s kind of reserved. He says, “I can’t wait to hear you,” and she pulls back and says, “Ugh. We’ll see.” I like her.

Andi the A.D.A. (the occupation, not the law) comes out last. She’s all done up and looks kind of like Emmanuelle Chriqui. I suspect she’ll last a while.

Chris Monotone comes out to bro it up with Juan Carlos: give out a first impression rose, how you gonna handle all these homies, etc.

Juan joins the women. The opera singer gives him her drink (pure scotch?) which I think is classy. Still like her.

Juan’s surprisingly honest to them about how much he loves having beautiful girls around him. “Can you see each other? You guys look good!”

He gets a tiny shitty radio (seriously, this mansion doesn’t have a stereo?) and plays music and throws a dance party with his harem. Gotta hand it to him, he knows how to handle this situation. Plus, there’s a photo booth, which proves to the women that Juan Padron is into having fun! Because I’m pretty sure that’s actually his booth that he brought from Miami, and not just something the producers got.

Nurse Nikki gets first one-on-one time. She’s ok.

“Mom” is next—he calls her that. I don’t think he realizes that might seem like a stigma to her. He slaps her leg and she slaps him right back. I’m liking her. Bad editing when a cameraman gets his shoe in the left side of the frame:

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Mom confessionals that when you have kids you have to cut to the chase, which is, you know, code for “let’s bone really soon.” That’s the good thing about dating single moms, I suspect. The whole time he’s talking to Mom all I can see is the lipstick mark on his cheek.

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That’s gotta be a turn-off.

Lucy the “free spirit” has “crazyface” written all over her and I’d give her the “leave now” rose if it were me. I’m kinda thinking she’s supposed to be a throw-away gag and they’ll let him cut her tonight, because I can’t see “I’m a big hippie!” continuing to be funny.

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Lucy is super-aggressive and he’s not loving it. He’s Latina, lady! Let him chase you. Juan confessionals, “Lucy is a little crazy!” Yes.

More comedy as they’ve brought a massage table to the mansion for massage lady. Yes.

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Because that won’t be awkward.

She starts rubbing his suit with her oily hands. Christ, dry cleaning is expensive, lady. “Maybe you should take off your jacket!” Man, I’ve used that line. This woman isn’t nuts, she’s me! (Possibly both things could be true at once.)

She confessionals, “All I wanted to do is just like rip that off of him and like pour my oils all over him!” Whooo-wee. Gotta weigh the hot versus the crazy, buddy. Gotta think it through!

He confessionals, “Amy J. was pretty nye-eese. But, meh-sage was pretty awkward.”

Chris brings out the first impression rose on a platter. The girls discuss how destroyed their lives will be if they don’t get that rose.

We’re back, and the producers are having the girls are talk about the rose, still. Lauren H. the mineral wrangler whom tragedy follows opines that her love life has sucked, so she deserves the rose. I guess if that’s how loved work, yes, but in fact, no.

Maggie the southerner talks about how much she needs the rose but her accent is so Deep South who knows what she said? I just heard “frogs and grits and corncobs, ya’ll.”

 The science teacher gets her one-on-one in the photo booth. Seems awkward. Elise gets one-on-one on a couch and tells him her mom just passed away so she gets a rose tonight no matter what. “She’s the reason I’m here!” In more ways than you know, Elise.

Elise looks kind of Persian which is pretty hot, but more importantly check out her home city:

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Forty Fort! Who the fuck named that? Don’t you want, like, your forts to have imposing names? “Where are you from, soldier?” “Fort Mason!” “Fort Bragg!” “Me? I’m just from some little forty-fort, you know.”

Lacy and Andi are both nervous because that haven’t gotten time with him yet. But her thought both of them were super-hot and they have big butts, so let’s just assume they’re in.

Lauren the damaged goods mineral herder confessionals so much about not getting one-on-one time she starts crying. Camera loves that. They get one of the other gals to walk her away, to allow for more awkwardness. Lauren babbles into the camera and they milk her tears until the commercial break.

We’re back from the break and Lauren’s still crying and stuff. Just imagine the words, it’s all the same.

Oh, wait, she gets some time, finally. Lauren seems pretty sober now, but all she can talk about with Juan Singularsensation is feeling awkward and losing the person she was in a relationship with. She’s all, “I didn’t want to lead with this but…” and she leads with it. Her musk of tragedy fills the room and blocks the camera.

She’s STILL going on to him about the dude who dumped her. She wanted to adopt his child! And he just disappeared! Juan is not super-impressed. Afterwards she tearfessionals that she hopes she didn’t mess it up. AWK-ward.

Kylie the kinda-scary fake redhead is shown telling Juan “I actually dreamt about you!” He looks not-too-happy about that, too. He doesn’t like super-agressive women. If you have the butt, ladies, some Juan will come to you.

Andi (the lawyer who looks like Chriqui) has her time. She seems a bit controlling for Juan Sandfutureking.

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But she looks like Chriqui so, you know, she’s going to last quite a few episodes.

It’s the opera singer’s turn. She’s super-awkward because she’s aware how bizarre this whole thing is, and I love her. She’s not falling all over him at all. Juan confessionals, “Sharlene…she’s elegant! She looks—so good.” Yes. Good call. You’re one of the good Juans.

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He gives her his coat. We can see where this is leading, and it rhymes with “Purr pig put is petting a pose.”

He goes and gets the rose, as I just said. OH SNAP BUT WAIT. She simul-confessionals, “Juan Pablo is a nice package, but I guess I thought I’d feel more of an insta-chemistry than I did!”

CALL ME SHARLENE!

He carries the rose past ALL the girls in multiple shots to underscore how many he’s passing up, intercut with Sharlene confessionalling how the connection seemed forced. Oh snappity snap snaps.

He comes up to Sharlene with the rose and says “So!” and she raises one eyebrow and says, “Seriously?” in a “What the hell are you thinking?” way and not a “I can’t believe I’m so lucky” way. Oh snap snap snap-n-pops.

He tells her she’s elegant and “I like the way you are.” I love this shot with the rejected women all huddled in the background in the cold:

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He asks if she’ll accept the rose and she considers for 15 seconds while the foley guys go nuts with crickets. “Sure. Yes. Sure. Thank you.” she says shortly. Hey, Juan Piece, does your shirt have buttons or is it full of SNAPS?

“I actually was really not expecting this.” She is ice-cold. God I love her. He starts babbling. Tables have turned already. He confessionals she was so surprised that she didn’t know what to do, but “I know she’s going to sleep well tonight, and that makes me happy.”

Oh, men. We’re so dumb. All so very, very dumb.

The other girls comment how they wanted the rose. Elise the kinda-Persian looking blonde god lover from Forty-fort-fort shows real intuition and notes that Sharlene’s head and shoulders were down, indicating she wasn’t, like, ecstatic.

Chris pulls Juan away from everyjuan else, to get him ready for the rose ceremony. Crazy Lauren confessionals that she’ll feel bad if she doesn’t get a rose. Because, she was almost engaged!

Chris explains how roses work, and introduces Juan Pablo. Juan gives a short but honest speech about how hot he thinks the girls are.

I like this shot because it has four of the girls I think are getting cut, each showing a different reason on her face.

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Clockwise from lower-left, we have: crazy, tragic, controlling, and bitchy. Girl in green will make it.

“Hmm, Clare.” The faux-mom who can’t even spell her own name, but she’s a bottle blonde with a booty. “Yes I would love to!”

“Nikki.” Bleach-blonde nurse with a big butt. “Absolutely”

“Renee.” A/k/a “Bikini Mom,” who I like because she seems pretty nice and also she’s clearly horny as a hoot owl. “Yes, thank you very much.”

“Andi.” Who looks like Chriqui with a big butt. Like there was any doubt. “Of course.”

Great shot of the girls looking nervous, and then the dog looking nervous.

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“Alli.” Soccer ball, butt. “Of course.”

“Chantel.” Hard to pronounce name. I don’t think he really likes her. “Of course.”

“Lauren S.” Crazy piano player? You know if some gal comes on with a really crazy skit, the producers are going to milk her for a few episodes.

“Kelly and Molly.” Molly’s the dog. Kelly might be crazy but she’s all kinds of gorgeous. It’s a close call, I can’t blame him on this one.

“Cassandra.” Cassandra is the make-up artist who is kind of unearthly pretty, but maybe possibly isn’t the smartest gal ever based on what I’ve seen so far. Still, she looks kind of like a middle-eastern version of Audrey Hepburn, so I’d keep her. I’m with you, Juan. Juan love, man. “Yes.”

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“Danielle.” She’s the pretty and nice gal of mixed ethnicity who we haven’t seen since the limo. That means she’s kept her head down, which is a good play in the first episode.

“Chelsea.” Chelsea? Does he really think he can handle ‘er? She’s another bottle blonde…looks a bit like that gal from Veronica Mars. “Of course!” she says perkily.

“Kat.” Kat and crazy redhead Kylie approaches him. “Kat! KAT!” he says. “OH, I THOUGHT YOU SAID KYLIE.”

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AWK-ward. Also, told you the redhead would get cut. “Can you take both of us?” she jokes, making it much worse.

Anyhow, Kat’s a blonde with suspicious roots. She may or may not have a butt. “Absolutely.”

Five roses left!

“Victoria.” She looks like young Sarah Silverman but not, like, mean. “Of course!”

Four! Ah ah ah.

 “Christy.” We know nothing about her except she’s blonde. “I will.”

Three left. C’mon, pick the vaguely Iranian-looking god-lover. Do it for me, buddy. Please.

“Lucy.” The crazy fucking barefoot hippie. God dammit, producers. God damn you to hell. “Yes I absolutely do, thank you!”

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Ok, Juan, buddy, two left. You gotta be cool about this. You’re the Juan we’re counting on.

“Liz.” The Iranian-looking gal! Yay! “Absolutely.”

FINAL ROSE. Chris explains what “final” means.

“Amy L.” Not the crazy Amy, the other one, who we’ve heard nothing about, except we saw she has a reasonable large posterior. She throws her arms wide: “YES!”

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She looks a bit like Overly-Attached Girlfriend, here. Maybe crazy Amy would have been better?

“Ladies I’m sorry. If you did not receive a rose, take a moment, say your goodbyes.”

Since they cut like 12 women they’re not going to exit interview all of them, so it’ll be a few choice cuts of them looking sad, plus they’ll get quotes from the ones who are the most broken up. The judges expect Lauren “Eeyore” Stormclouds to dominate this event.

The gal in the green dress who I thought had a chance in that previous photo was cut. She says a sweet goodbye to Juan.

The gal who was “25” (with surgery) croaks out, “Goodbye, enjoy this experience,” and rushes outside to smoke forty more cigarettes.

Crazy Amy J. with the massage table says, “it was really nice to meet you.” She didn’t get her happy ending.

“I put myself out there completely!” Yup, you were out there, all right. WAY out there. She starts crying.

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Kylie the krazy not-really-redhead is also krying. She didn’t see herself going home this soon. We did.

Lauren hugs her man Juan last time. She cryfessionals. “I’ve been through a lot, and I’m sick and tired of people looking at me, and feeling sorry for me.”

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Ok, I don’t want to be the jerk, here, but one idea if you don’t want people to feel sorry for you is don’t cry a bunch on national TV. I’m just spitballing, here.

“I’m a genuine person and I want to find my best friend.” Where did you see  him last? (Have I used that Juan before?)

The gals toast:

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“All for Juan, and Juan for all,” they say in my head.

After the previews for the coming season (apparently Juan walks out of one confessional, gasp), they go to outtakes with Sean and Juan. Sean says, “I found my thing,” and Juan says, “Shirtless boy!” and Sean says, “Yah, the shirtless guy,” and I feel vindicated. They even have both of them get topless.

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The Bachelor, Season 17, Week 8, Part 3 of 3 

[continued from part 2]

It’s Catherine’s date! Yay, Catherine! Except we actually want her to “lose,” because what kind of monsters would be to curse her to a life (or, really, six months) with Sean?

Ad for Bing, with a challenge at BingItOn.com. This strikes me as a good idea—stop trying to convince me Bing is where cool people hang out, and instead just let me compare it to Google. Twenty points for Microslytherin.

We’re on Ao Nang Beach.

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It’s a good beach to be on because if it starts raining you just climb under its ao nang. (You have to read that one aloud.)

Catherine runs up and jumps in Sean’s arms. He tells her they will be cruising around on a “junk boat.” He’s spent more time on his junks the last couple days than his ladies have. Hey-o.

Sean confessionals he and Catherine might have different life goals, which is a reminder that her awesome and Very Asian family didn’t approve of their union One Bit.

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“I’m the queen of the world!” shouts Catherine, as is now required by law on ship bows. Phew, call of the missile strike.

Catherine says she “never dreamed” about being in Thailand with Sean, but that it “seems like a dream” to be in Thailand with Sean. Well, which is it, woman? This is why Sean thinks you’re flaky, you know.

They’re drinking and talking about how open Catherine is with him, blah, whatever. Sean says, “I love Your Weirdness,” which is I guess a new royal title? Like: “Dinner is served, Your Weirdness.”

Catherine says she’s pissed at her sisters for grilling her so hard when Sean visited. This conversation is all serious. BOOOORING. She says she’s ready for marriage now. To Sean. POOR LIFE DECISIONS.

Swimming time—Sean takes his shirt off.

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Catherine’s butt is pretty nice, but she’s no Lesley. Sigh, Lesley. I love women who hate me.

Catherine confessionals she hasn’t told Sean she loves him but that she’s willing to make that jump.

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Get it? See what they did there? God damn, that’s so clever. Seriously, this kind of visual joke will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever get old.

Tonight I’m drinking a “Gigondas” wine. It’s pretty fun to say. GIGONDAS! Selma had some Gigondas but Sean sent her home.

They cruise around an junk. Snorkling! Fishes! Sean voiceovers, “When she looks at me with those brown eyes, how can you not help but give her a kiss all the time?” Well, uh—assuming I’m parsing that as you intended—I can’t actually kiss her because she’s not here with me. She’s with you. I know concepts like this are hard for you, Sean. (Also, spot the four grammatical errors in his sentence.)

They kiss against a pole in the rain. Sean gets his tongue into it.

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I gotta admit, it’s pretty hot except for the “Sean” aspect. But all these memories will be lost, like kisses in the rain.

Catherine voiceovers, “I’m like, in the clouds right now.”

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GET IT? DO YOU GET IT? BECAUSE CLOUDS? The producers really should call up Weird Al (a.k.a. “His Weirdness”) and see if they can get a job with him; their amazing humor is just too big for this show.

Pig getting pulled over for Geico, I don’t think I get the message. Something about an ID card? Because I need more of those.

Capital One’s Hulu ads now explicitly make fun of the Hulu interface. I guess that’s the next step before total acceptance.

Night. They’re having dinner someplace. It’s pretty non-fussy considering.

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Where are the lit-up boats and flower petals and Thai dancers and shit? You call this romance? Get your shit together, Sean.

Sean toasts her. “Here’s to a great day and what hopes to be an even better night.” The night is hoping it’s better? Dude, I don’t think the night cares. Tender is the night but it’s also uninterested in whether you nail Catherine.

“This afternoon I asked myself if I could see myself marrying Catherine.” Myself looked back at me and said, you know, myself, that’s a great question for myself to answer myself.

Sean asks her where she sees herself in five years and she says, “married to you,” and then babbles more. I have no idea what she just tried to say. Something about marriage and stuff. She’s very charming but she tends to say crazy shit when she’s nervous.

Catherine confessionals she’s worried about the fantasy suite, since it’s “more intimate” (used for boning). She’s worried about “putting a different side of me out there.” Oh, sweetie, you don’t have to have buttsex on the first date! No man expects that.

Catherine tells him, “Before I even came, I was thinking about the fantasy suites,” which describes a lot of my nights, too. She babbles about the fantasy suite to him. She wants to be “seen as a lady.” But she’s horny, so fantasy suite ahoy!

Sean uses the old oh baby I just want to talk and be alone with you line, which is crazy because she’s already said yes. More talking, he gives her the note to read to him, because the formalities of copulation must be observed, even if the arrangements have been made!

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It’s the exact same note as the last two times. Geez. Couldn’t Chris bother to personalize it? Maybe they just re-use the same note, over and over? You think it’d get kind of…spoogy?

They go to the suite. She talks about how she used to be chubby, and she doesn’t feel she deserves him. That explains why she’s so non-bitchy. Women who don’t know they are hot are truly the best.

“When I look in Sean’s eyes, something visceral happens.” I think you mean something vitreous? Visceral would be lower. Get it? It’s “vitreous humor” humor.

They kiss a bunch in a hot tub thing. “I want Sean to be my husband.” Ugh. Young people are so dumb.

If you serve Tostitos, strangers will show up at your apartment and treat you like a waiter. SIGN ME UP.

We’re back at the Antarra resort in Sea Cow—where the entire cast of Zelda stays when filming on location. Sean’s topless AGAIN.

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I’d like to point out I had a great shot of Catherine rocking a bikini top but I skipped it because it seemed gratuitous. So I’m never ever ever allowed to be called sexist again.

Sean says, “I woke up this morning knowing who I had to send home.” I dunno how we’re going to manage to make this show last 23 more minutes if he knows already. I bet it involves sucking.

“Tonight I have to send one woman home,” yah we know, you mentioned you’d already decided who, so that was implicit. 22:50 left. Sean and Chris hook up to bro out a bit.

Sean’s going to pad this out by talking to Chris about how hard it was when Emily dumped him when he was #3. They’re dancing around who Sean’s going to dump to build suspense, but it’s just annoying:

Chris: “Without being too specific, do you know who it is you’re sending home?”
Sean: “I do.”
Chris: “How tough is it going to be, sending her home?”

SWEET GOD. SO MUCH PADDING. “When you were considering sending her home, what kinds of foods or drinks did you consume? Also regarding the woman you’ll send home, did you remember any specific things that she has ever said to you, on any topic?”

Sean says this is harder than sending Dez home. I dunno, it sounds like this might be…the hardest decision yet? Can I drink? Please?

He talks more about the woman, but obliquely. Chris asks if Sean thinks his wife is there. WHERE? WHERE IS SHE? Oh, god, the padding. You know what, fuck this, we’re skipping ahead.

OH GOD Chris tells him that each woman has left him a private video message, which “he probably should watch.” Chris actually says Sean “owes them” that much, which I think is awesome because it’s not like Sean is going to be all, “Nah, fuck that, I’ve decided, I’ma just go tell the bitch and get this done.”

Sean voiceovers he has to let a woman go. WHA? WHEN WAS THIS DECIDED‽ “At this point, I can only hope this [watching the videos] doesn’t confuse me further.” Which is asking a lot, since things like fire and magnets confound him. I’m guessing he’ll be all, “How did they fit my women into this tiny box? Can they come out so I can give my tongue to them?”

Aaaaand we go into the ads having done NOTHING since the last break. Thanks for wasting my time, Bachelor. I mean, more than usual.

19 minutes left. Also, one more fucking commercial break before the rose ceremony, so they have to pad out this whole segment with Sean watching videos.

Yay! I’m now watching a video of an idiot watching videos of idiots. This is podracing!

Lindsay is first. She recaps their relationship. She’s so boring and stupid my eyes are closing on their own. It’s not like she’s a bad person, I hate her solely because of the time she’s wasted in all the viewer’s lives. It’s a sin to have someone so completely vacuous eat up two hours of time from millions of people every week.

Catherine. Blah blah you’re a hunk falling in love recap blah. “Whenever I thought about you it gave me the wiggles.” That seems…pretty dirty? Am I misunderstanding what “the wiggles” are? “I’m so glad I found someone that can take me like this.” Take you like what? Against a pole? I mean, I’d be willing to do that, if it’s in the offing. I don’t think many guys would refuse you.

AshLee. “I am super-uptight and I made the diamonds for my own ring by shoving coal up my own butt for a couple days.” Ok, not really. But, really: “Meeting my family just solidified everything that I already knew about you.” Contentless! This statement solidifies what I know about AshLee. AshLee starts crying on the video. Always a good sign. Not crazy, folks! She’s not crazy! “I know that I am no longer broken.” Yeaaaah, about that.

The music gets all sad after AshLee’s video and Sean looks down. Hmm, I WONDER if this means AshLee’s getting her ass cut? [Hint: Yes.]

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Great, 13 minutes left and we already know. I only have a split of Gigondas and it’s not enough to take the pain away. Although it is a fucking great wine, I recommend the region.

We come back and Sean is confessionals how he feels so bad he has to deny some woman the splendor that is him.

Rose time!

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Lindsay’s not even trying with her dress, here. Apparently she knows this one is in the bag. Which, coincidentally, is what she’s wearing.

Chris tells us there “is” two roses. Plurals are hard! “This essentially is the last rose ceremony.” What do you mean “essentially?” Is there another or not? It seems pretty binary.

“Hopefully next week, Sean will be down on one knee, proposing marriage to one of you.” And this is how far we have fallen as a society. We watch idiots propose to strangers on TV. I’d feel better about gladiators and tigers.

Sean comes out. “I had the most amazing week this week.” [read: Got laid three times, boyeee!] “I feel so lucky and blessed,” [read: Got lucky three times, boyeee!].

Sean mentions how this was the same week he got sent home by Emily, and how painful it was. Yup, it’s all about Sean’s pain. Sean Sean Sean.

Sean grabs a rose. Lindsay says something that gets bleeped. She’s classy!

9 minutes left. Only two roses. That means a LOT of music before each rose. It sounds like they hired Philip Glass to do this week’s score, which was a good idea, as he’s the expert at padding. Zing! Take that, Mischa.

“Lindsay” She trots over. “Yes…thank moooo.”

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Ugh, her stupid face is so dum. D-U-M dum.

Pause. Music. More music. A whole goddam minute of Sean sweating and faux-Philip-Glass.

“Catherine.” I don’t think she even says anything, she’s so psyched-out.

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AshLee is Not Happy.

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Ouch! The daggers! They pierce into my very soul. Hell hath no fury like something, but I’ve forgotten what.

SEVEN MINUTES.

AshLee stomps past Sean without saying goodbye to the gals. He tries to follow, “I’ll walk you out.” She walks away, “Just stay there.” Oh damn she got a mad on.

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She stops at the car. And, nicely for the producers, turns so she’s facing the camera. Almost as if this is staged!

Sean says all the blah blah blah things he says when he dumps a gal. She just silently stares daggers at him. This is a new one! Normally there’s more crying. She gets in the SUV with maybe a single muttered word (wasn’t clear), and Sean stands there and turns red as a beet.

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Or maybe it’s just the color temperature on my monitor? I dunno, I have it set pretty red at night so I can get to sleep. Google “f.lux” it’s really cool.

AshLee finally speaks in the car. She’s pissed. “This wasn’t a silly game for me.” She says it wasn’t “about laughter or joking or having fun,” either. I’m…not sure I follow? You didn’t laugh? You don’t like laughter? What?

Four minutes left. Like, we’ve put her in the car and they STILL have FOUR minutes to kill. She finally cries. There’s the money shot.

We suddenly hear “Next Week on The Bachelor.” OH THANK GOD REPRIEVE.

I finally noticed the future wife in the Jack-in-the-Box “Hot Mess” ad is wearing a bright pink bra, so she’s isn’t REALLY about to flash the camera.

Final outtakes are Sean with Catherine on the “junk boat,” saying he’s a nerd. They play a game where they take turns squaring numbers and Catherine wins by getting 13^2 correct when Sean flubs it. I’ve never wanted her more.

The Bachelor, Season 17, Week 8, Part 2 of 3

[continued from part 1]

We’re 28 minutes into the Bachelor, we’re in Thailand, and we’re finally done with that boring schoolteacher, What’s-her-name. I’ve forgotten. So boring. Ugh. Imagine a woman being so boring I don’t even care to see her in a bikini. That’s how boring she is.

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Sean walks along the pier that’s famous for spawning one of Mexico’s most popular video games, meng. Wokka-wokka-wokka-wokka.

Sean recaps that AshLee (Why? Why with the camel-case? Do more capitals make up for missing parents?) told him last week that she loved him. If you may recall, she got on a chair and yelled at the night, which is, I believe, the actual definition of “barking mad.”

AshLee is showing some tummy-button.

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Although I’m not a big fan of crazy, I gotta say I love me some tummy-button. We’ll call this one a wash.

She immediately climbs up on Sean’s junk.

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I know I made the same pun last week, but, c’mon, “junk” is funny. It’s like “Hugh Jackman.” Doesn’t that sounds like a joke name? “Yah, I’m looking for a ‘Hugh Jackman.’ I need a ‘Hugh Jackman!’” 

AshLee voiceovers that with Sean she’d have a “lifetime of unexpected adventures and…fun.” Yes, I’m sure you’ll be traveling around the world 365 days a year, unlike 100% of the other Bachelor “winners,” who ended up either breaking up or moving to Hollywood with their guy so he could make it by appearing on Dancing with the Stars and fucking other chicks. Adventure!

Oh, hey, the Flash player unexpectedly quit. Holy cats, I did NOT expect that. I mean, it happens every forty seconds with crappy Flash which is updated by Adobe every other day yet is still the shittiest thing ever to happen to computers, but I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to happen this time. I am disappoint. [Note to editor: this is a meme, don’t correct.]

AshLee is blathering on about lovey love Sean is probably my true love I love Sean more than words can express OH GOD if you know that why do you keep trying, aloud? If I were like, “This is more pasta than I could eat,” I wouldn’t get on national TV and make everyone watch me try.

Sean confessionals, “AshLee’s very comfortable in her routine, and…it’s very rare that she steps outside of her comfort zone.” Oh boy! Sounds like it’s time for testing and humiliation, the bedrock of any relationship.

Sean says he’s got something for her that might scare her, but “hopefully she latches onto me for support.” I don’t even know how to make fun of this statement. Hopefully you scare her so bad that she latches onto you? Christ. Have you tried locking women in your basement until they develop Stockholm syndrome? I’ve heard that works great, too, and it’s cheaper than flying to Thailand.

Sean tells her they have to swim through a deep, dark cave before they get to a private island. AshLee asks, “Do we have a floatie?”

Sean takes his shirt off.

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Looks like she’s got floaties.

AshLee voiceovers that she’s always been afraid of being abandoned by people she loves. I dunno if you’ve ever heard that about her before! Anyways, you know, it’ll be super-fun for her to swim through a dark cave with someone she loves.

Sean voiceovers it’s important that his potential wife will just shut up and trust him when he wants. I’m not kidding, that’s a real paraphrase. Because he’s a sensitive new-age guy.

The cave actually looks really awesome.

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So pretty! Who knew Thailand was more than just ladyboys and massages and red curry‽ Not me.

Sean voiceovers he has no idea what he’s doing and is afraid he might kill both of them. But he still expects her to obey him! Yup, he’s a Republican.

AshLee voiceovers that she’s afraid but life is full of scary shit, like getting dumped. Except if you get dumped you don’t die from it—unlike with, say, asphyxiation.

Sean voiceovers, “All of a sudden we turn a corner, and AshLee and I found the light at the end of the tunnel.” Agh, this show just loves beating us over the head with their metaphors. “I love feeling like I’m AshLee’s protector.” Because I’m a caveman, and she’s my chattel.

They reach the beach inside the island, and Sean gives her some lip.

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AshLee drones on about how this is “far beyond” anything she ever thought she’d do. Seriously, how uptight is this woman? Was it the “swimming” or the “being in the dark for two minutes” that was such a mind-fuck for her?

This Easter, why not make Easter eggs from Rice Krispie treats? Hmm, I dunno…because it’d be a huge fucking sticky mess? Because we’re already fat enough and we don’t need “eggs” made of sugar, starch, and fat? Because you can’t really hide eggs coated with frosting?

Night. AshLee continues to confessional on and on that she lurves Sean so vewy much and wants to be Mrs. Sean McSteroids.

But! AshLee confessionals she doesn’t want to “put herself morally out there” by doing the fantasy suite with Sean when he’s done it with two other girls. Look at AshLee, getting some pride! Let’s see how long it lasts.

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They blather at each other over dinner. I think you’re amazing no you’re amazing no you oh stop it hee hee mooshy mooshy ka-click BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM oh god what have I done I’ve killed them oh god blood everywhere god have mercy on me I didn’t know what I was doing.

Sean tells her: “I love that you know the qualities that I possess.” High praise indeed! I also enjoy a woman who can enumerate facts about me.

Sean: “If I get down on one knee, it means I am spending the rest of my life with you.” Hah, I’ve had women down on two knees and it didn’t last more than a year or so. Still, fun though.

Oh, it’s awkward note-from-my-mommy time! He gives it to her to read.

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“Sean and AshLee: Welcome to the magical country of Thailand.” At least AshLee can read aloud without sounding like a child. “I hope you are enjoying your stay,” forego your individual rooms stay in the suite if you want to bone off-camera blah blah blah -Chris Harrison.

Sean confessionals: “I’m falling in love with her, and I can see her in the end.” That was a pretty revealing pair of shorts earlier, yes.

Sean goes on to confessional that he wants AshLee to feel at ease about the fantasy suite: “What I would love is to stay up with her all night, just talking.” Man, I gave up on that line like fifteen years ago. So cheesy.

One time many years ago I was dating this 23-year-old dancer and I was all, “I want you to come over,” and she was all, “I have to do this work,” and I was all, “You can work. Just come over and I won’t touch you, I just want to be beside you, I promise,” and she was all, “Ok,” so she did and I didn’t and weeks later she was all, “Why didn’t you bone me! I came over and got in your bed, duh.”

Aaaand that was the last time I ever said “we don’t have to do anything.” Nowadays I’m like, “You get in this bed, we’re doing stuff. You don’t want to do stuff, there’s a nice couch over there, or there’s your house.” 

ANYhow, Sean tells AshLee something like what he just confessionalled about just staying up and talking and eating smores and playing patty-cake and braiding each other’s hair.

AshLee: “Obviously I as well agree.” Not awkward sounding! AshLee tells him she doesn’t “want it to come across as that boundary that’s crossed so um and you know where I stand.” Also not awkward! Are we sure AshLee’s not a substitute teacher, as well?

Once inside the suite she goes on about how he’s not going to get any nookie. Just to make it clear, America: not a whore!

Then she tells him what engagement ring setting she wants (“diamonds all around”) and her size (“I believe my ring finger is six and a half”).

Just in case anyone is wondering, and I’m sure you’re not, if I were spending my first night with a woman who was not interested in having sex with me and she started telling me what kind of blood diamonds she wanted for our marriage, I’d set a new record for the amount of matter moved by quantum teleportation. Right at the top of my sheet here labelled “Crazy Person Warning Signs:” is “1) focused on a big fat diamond ring.”

She gives Sean some consolation tonsils.

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AshLee voiceovers “Sean is my cellmate.” Well, that’s how I heard it. She also says she was broken before she met him. Yup, I’d agree with that. And after!

To be continued in part 3, with Catherine’s date… Yay, Catherine!

The Bachelor, Season 17, Week 8, Part 1 of 3

“Tonight on The Bachelor”: we’ve skipped the previous week because it was “Sean Tells All” and (1) all that would only fill a matchbook and (b) I don’t need to bother recapping a clip show and (III) does anyone really give a damn? No. Nobody does.

Let’s take a trip to Thailand and see the wonders there.

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Si Kao? No, I only see dolphin.

Sean makes a welcome change from letting his junk hang out to hanging out on a letted junk.

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How natural he looks, standing there like Forrest Gump! He’s the king of the world, momma!

Sean confessionals he’s in Thailand. He’s so excited to spend this week with Lindsay and Ashley and Catherine. Oh, right—he got rid of the hot, smart blonde. Why are we still watching? Oh, right—Catherine.

“It’s amazing to think that these are my last three girls. [Something I’ve said to myself, as well] And they are all so unique and so different from one another.” Both unique and different! I guess he was never taught ologies in high school?

“I’m going to have another difficult decision to make this week.” You go ahead and drink—I’ve already had two glasses of wine so I’m good for now.

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When in Thailand, why not stay at the Anantara resort? Zelda does.

Does anyone else want to see a Zelda game where Link gets kidnapped and Zelda rescues him? I’d play that. Also, I’m fricking sick of Zelda and Princess Peach getting kidnapped all the time. Like, once or twice, shame on Ganon and/or Bowser, but after the seventh or eighth time…wouldn’t they hire some competent guards? Take a different route home? Learn to use a sword? Something?

Recap of Sean and Catherine. Yay, recaps! Remember when they met? Remember how they talked about how they like each other? Remember Sean tongue? Oh, Sean tongue.

Ugh, knocked out my MagSafe 2 again. Christ, what chuckleheads invented the 2? The first MagSafe was amazing, but version 2 falls out every five seconds. You have one job, power cord: stay the fuck in my Mac. MagSafe 1 did it. What happened to you? Was it the crack?

Recap of Sean and AshLee. She’s boring! Yet crazy! The perfect woman. Did you remember that she was abandoned? I’d forgotten. Sean gave her some Sean tongue, too.

But what about Lindsay? She’s dumb as a rock but also cute as a rock. “The moment I first realized I could see myself with Lindsay was when we were having dinner in front of the fireplace in Montana.” There was a mirror there, above the fireplace. And there we were!

Sean feels “torn. I don’t know what to do.” So he takes his shirt off!

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Hey, did you guys know I was at TED2013 last week? I exchanged secrets with Matt Groening, got drunk with Matt Cutts (well, near Matt Cutts), said hi to former Vice President Al Gore, and told Peter Gabriel how I’d hooked a former flame on Don’t Give Up. I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. And now I’m alone in my house at 11PM surrounded by my three cats and blogging about The Bachelor. Who’s the crazy in this picture now?

If you answered “me,” referring to “you,” that is incorrect. The correct answer was “me.”

Sean: “This is by far—by a mile—the hardest decision I’ve had to make so far.” A whole mile! I can’t understand why the producers don’t write new lines. Like, they must know the same people watch The Bachelor year after year. Do they think we find comfort in the repetition?

He goes on: “This week, the dates have the possibility of becoming overnight dates. And I’ll have the opportunity” to get me some hot poonany. Let’s face it: that’s what he means, whatever he says here.

You guys remember the Fantasy Suite, right? Chris Harrison writes a note that Sean will read to each gal: “If you guys want to bone here’s a key to a special, cool place for boning.” Three times in one episode. Because that’s not awkward.

Sean says he just arrived at the Anantara Sea Cow resort, and I think that’s a mean way to talk about Lindsay.

They get into some bizarre motorcycle-cart vehicle.

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Crazy foreigners! Amirite?

Sean asks Lindsay if she’s adventurous when trying new foods. I ask women this, too, but for more devious reasons. She says she’ll eat anything but a bug. But that comes back to haunt her.

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Sean tells her, “We’re at the Si Kao market,” and I expect Lindsay to say, “But I don’t wanna eat a manatee!”

Lindsay: “Being here, in this Thai market, with Sean, is exciting, and adventurous.” She really says it like that, with pauses at every comma. She reads her script at a fourth-grade level. I assume she’s a substitute teacher because she went back to grade school for remedial classes and someone just assumed she was there to teach.

This market actually does look kind of awesome. Part of me is afraid I’d wuss out and be worried about food poisoning, but part of me thinks I’d camp there for a week and take a bite of each thing.

Sean voiceovers: “Lindsay is loving this. I mean she is blown away by everything this place has to offer—but I also wanted to test her a little bit.” Of course! What the hell would you be doing on a date if you’re not testing her? But can you work in some humiliation?

“On her way over here she said, ‘I’ll try anything but I won’t eat bugs.’” Yes, mm-hmmm, I think I see where you’re going with that.

“So, we’ll see.”

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Jackpot. Long story short: he makes her eat a bug.

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Because he’s 12. Next up: pulling pigtails!

Sean confessionals: “I feel like I’m with my high school sweetheart, and, um, that’s what I’m looking for in a marriage.” OK, look, I’m not married, so I’m no expert, but I don’t think you should be looking for your high school sweetheart. Weren’t you kind of an idiot in high school? Didn’t you have kind of stupid relationships then? Haven’t you grown up a ton?

They bail on the market.

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Sean tells her, “This is Yong Ling beach.” I’m all, “Hey, I thought Anakin killed all the padawans?”

Sean and Whatserface babble at each other on a picnic blanket. Seriously, I can’t remember her name. She’s so goddam boring and stupid. Tongue time!

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Stupidface says: “Today changed my life because: It’s just more real!” Today’s real? Your life is real? What was unreal, besides this show and also how dumb you are?

They feed monkeys (isn’t that a bad idea?) and smooch on the beach.

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Lindsay (I looked it up) voiceovers, “It might be the end if I don’t open up to him.” Drink, drink, drink.

Microsoft Surface Pro ad. Did you know these ads are directed by John M. Chu, who did Step Up 2 (awesome movie!) and the upcoming G.I. Joe: Retaliation? I talked to John a bunch at TED this year; he’s a super-nice guy. Anyways, the reason the dancing is so good is because those are the LXD dancers in those ads.

American Airlines is merging with U.S. Airways to become American Airlines. Urm. Seems like you already were American Airlines? That’s like me merging with a muffaletta to become…me.

Night falls. Sean voiceovers, “This is the perfect dinner to share with Lindsay” because it involves twinkly lights, and she loves twinkly lights!

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Sean toasts her: “You were the perfect person to be with today because…I don’t think anyone else would have tried all the stuff you tried at the market.” Translation: my other bitches wouldn’t eat bugs for me. Now drink my bathwater, slut!

Sean asks her if she’ll move if they get engaged. Yipes. They blather. Time for some more Sean tongue!

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She’s been voiceovering all night that she wants to tell Sean she loves him. Now’s the big moment. “I just want you to know that I do take this serious.”

You take it serious, huh? As serious as you take your job? Hopefully she’s not an English teacher.

She’s babbling. On and on. So many words. So dumb. She almost says the L-word but SUDDENLY a bunch of dancers come out from behind the boats.

Lindsay: “All of a sudden everything comes alive. There’s all these dancers and Thailand is all around us.” Suddenly, she’s surrounded by Thailand! Take a look at two photos ago, where she’s at a table on a bed of flowers and candles with giant boats of lights behind her. Where was Thailand then? When did it sneak up on her?

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Lindsay: “I feel like I’m in a movie!” But, which movie? Dumb and Dumber? Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigalow? Enough?

Sean pulls out a card. Oh shit, I forgot! Sean doesn’t read the note himself–he passes it to her to read

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That’s right, I remember now. That’s what makes this so cringe-worthy. “Here, my daddy wrote me a note to ask you if you’ll blow me. Read it and check yes or no.”

Lindsay reads, very slowly like a toddler, “Sean and Lindsay welcome to the majestic country of Thailand I hope you are enjoying your stay here should you choose to forego your individual rooms please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.”

Lindsay says yes, of course. They enter a smallish room that’s kind of nice. I dunno—it’s not like the Hotel 1000 in Seattle, with the bath that fills from the ceiling and the amazing blowjobs. Actually, I guess the blowjobs were more about who I was there with. #hummerbrag

Anyways, Linsday finally tells Sean she loves him, and she gives him some tongue.

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It’s anticlimactic, in the sense that after watching them together I’m so turned off I’m not going to be able to climax for a week.

OK, end of part 1. The episode’s not over but, hey, I have to get to bed. These cats aren’t going to pet themselves. I’m sure there’s a dirty joke in there somewhere; talk amongst yourselves.

The Bachelor, Season 17, Week 7

“Tonight on The Bachelor:” Sexism! Stupidity! Salaciousness! Sean titties! Sean tongue! Sean turgidity! “It’s all coming up tonight, on The Bachelor.”

We’re immediately in Texas!

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AshLee is confessionalling and walking her dog. She wanted to chew gum, too, but discovered she couldn’t walk if she did. “Before I met Sean, I thought I knew what love was—I had no clue what true love was.” True love is dating a guy who’s dating three other girls on national television! Not like that stupid fake love. “To bring back this man, to my family…I’ve been dreaming about this day for as long as I can remember.” How short is your memory? You might want to have it checked. It’s been like six weeks.

They’re having a pre-fam picnic. Sean’s dad is kind of a reverend like AshLee’s! Squeee, they’re both insane. Sean tells AshLee he can’t empathize with her “trials and tribulations”—“I just can’t put myself in your shoes.” AshLee is all, “God you amaze me, every time.” Seriously, now lack of empathy is a good thing? You can really get away with anything if you’re tall and have huge pectoral muscles. “You know, AshLee, I think only of my penis and I like to nail chicks and toss ‘em aside.” “Oh, god, Sean, I love when you move your lips and sounds come out!”

AshLee: “I just want to express to my parents that I finally know what love of another person outside my family is like.” OK, I don’t want to Tierra out on you, but you’re 32? And you’ve never loved anyone?

Broooooken.

Slinkie escalator. Again. Poor Sisyphean slinkie.

McDonald’s Fish McBites ad is also voiced by the stupid DJ from Northern Exposure who does the Walgreen’s “Corner of Happy & Healthy” ads. God, I hate him. He’s up in my hate pantheon with Ethan Hawke.

They arrive at AshLee’s parents’ house. Always check the mom!

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Oh, wait, she’s adopted, never mind. AshLee’s dad looks like Mike Ditka.

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“Da Bears.”

Ashlee tells the story of the Polar Bear Plunge and how she jumped in despite not wanting to and it was like a baptism for her, except instead of coming out without sin, she came out without dignity. I have a feeling whatever future humiliations Sean subjects her to she’ll explain them away as making her stronger until the day she snaps and cuts off his dick in the middle of the night and leaves it shoved up his ass.

AshLee tells her parents she had some “romantic times” with Sean in St. Croix, and the parents seem pretty pissed, but they’re also kind of naturally ruddy so who knows. The mom grills Sean, but Sean cleverly changes the conversation to AshLee’s control issues, and the mom happily dives into what a mess AshLee was. Five foster homes in one year! Christ.

Dad’s turn. Sean confessionals: “I’m afraid he’s going to ask me if I love his daughter [laughs]!”

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For Bachelor-noobs, the Bachelor himself is never allowed to say, “I love you” until he’s down to just one woman, which is why there are so many awkward moments when the women declare, “I’m in love with you!” and he’s all, “That’s so…neat.” So asking about love outright would be AWK-ward.

Dad asks, “What can you tell me? Are you in love with my daughter?” Sean says love is on the horizon. Then he shakes his magic 8-ball and changes his answer to, “Answer unclear, ask again later.”

Sean turns the tables, asking the dad about AshLee’s train-wreck marriage at 17, and why’d he sign off on it? Ooh, burn.

And now the weasel-ask: “Would you be ok with me asking your daughter to marry me, if that’s what it turned out I wanted to do?” What a charmer. Who said traditional values are dead?

Dad tells Sean and the others about meeting AshLee when she was 4 and falling instantly in love with her, and he tears up and she’s all touched. Wait, hold on, these are the foster parents she hated so much at age 17 that she married some random loser just to get away from them? Hrm.

Hey, here’s a joke: how’d she end up with a reverend for a father? He was the first who hadn’t pastor over.

Suddenly, it’s night. Sean gives her some goodbye lip. I think the lack of tongue means she’s getting cut this week.

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“I feel like with Sean at my side, I could conquer anything.” Even a bad fur day?

Seattle! My hometown! Pike Place Market, which everyone stupidly calls “Pike’s Place” despite it being named after a street, not the Starfleet captain.

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If you haven’t been to Seattle, Pike Place is the “tourist trap” that all the locals actually go to because the shops are totally great, and the best fish place in the city is there. So, go there. (Don’t drive, parking is redonkulous.)

Sean and Catherine get on the pig because everyone gets on the pig.

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The market commission installed that pig just a few years ago because they were like, “Hey, we should give people a place to meet, Let’s put in a bronze pig and after a couple years people won’t even remember that it wasn’t always part of the market,” and sure enough now everything in the market is described relative to this interloping pig.

The pig is in front of the flying fish place, which actually has amazingly fresh fish and is also internationally famous because the workers throw whole fish around for no good reason.

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Originally they’d toss a fish behind the counter to have it wrapped, but they got so famous for it that now they spend the whole day tossing seafood back and forth for the tourists. If you order something from behind the counter they’ll actually toss it out to someone on the floor, who’ll toss it back, and only then the dude behind the counter will wrap it.

They let Sean behind the counter and he catches four medium salmon in a row, which is pretty impressive. Also, not humiliating to his date, so kind of a stretch for this show.

Catherine’s turn catching fish. She drops her first one. “It’s slippery!” Fish monger: “I know—it’s a fish.”

She one-hands the second fish like a boss.

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This seriously seems like the most fun Bachelor date I’ve ever seen. Screw St. Croix. Seattle is awesome.

Catherine comes out and hugs him.

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Now Sean’s blazer is covered in fish slime. It’s a party!

They do Pike Place stuff. Sean says he doesn’t try to be cool around Catherine because Catherine’s so goofy. We like Catherine.

Over lunch Catherine tells Sean about a Filipino tradition, where you take the elder’s hand and put it to your forehead as a sign of respect. She tells him to do this to her grandmother. God I hope she’s fucking with him. “Then you pinch her nose and say, ‘bippity boppity gimme the zoppity.’ Ancient Filipino tradition!”

Sean arrives at Catherine’s house to meet her mom, grandmother, and two sisters. Hoo-boy. I’m not saying the clichés about the women in Asian families are true, but basically that’s what I am saying, in fact.

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Sean helps make lumpia and puts on an apron and does push-ups for the ladies and the grandmother tells us in broken English that she wants to date him. It’s all very cute, but I’m starting to miss Tierra because there’s no drama here. It just reminds me of how awesome it was when I dated an Indonesian gal in Seattle. Man, her mom could cook. I sure miss that cooking.

She talks to her sisters and I’m glad they’re all three wearing different colors because I can’t tell them apart in low resolution.

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Catherine confessionals she wants to gush to her sisters about Sean. I dated a gusher once; it’s pretty hot but you have to change your sheets a lot. Same with sweaters. That’s why you try for a screamer, if you have your own house.

I find out the gal on the left above is her older sister, who I think should call me immediately. Call me! You know Corina, right, big sister? Call her! She’ll vouch for me! I’m nice. And from Seattle!

Both sisters are skeptical. Big sister thinks Catherine’s trying too hard to convince them Sean is great. Little sister points out Catherine originally did this for a laugh and now she’s drunk the Kool-Aid. Man, could this family get any better? Like, they actually have sane reactions to their sister being in love with the Bachelor.

Big sister, “It’s not always going to be like fun and goofy and whatever!” Yah! That’s what I’ve been saying! We have so much in common, big sister. We should talk.

Catherine confessionals her sisters are being downers and she feels “BEEP” about it. The sisters get to grill Sean. Yay.

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Sean asks if Catherine could settle down. Older sister tosses Catherine under a bus, then backs the bus up again just to make sure. “I can’t see, like, her having kids right away. She, like, goes in 100% with guys. And then, you know, she always makes things really fun. And then when kind of fun isn’t the really only thing works out kind of whatever and then you know…she’s here.” Eek. So maybe don’t call me.

Both sisters agree that Sean, in fact, will have to call Catherine out on her crap. Younger sister says Catherine is messy and also moody. This is exactly why you don’t take people home to meet your family on the fourth date. (I don’t introduce women to my mom until I’m ready for them to break up with me.)

Mom’s turn: “This is an adventure. Very unique. Will it work?”

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“Don’t know.” Damn. This is brutal.

Sean’s caught a bit flat-footed. “I…I obviously think the world of your daughter.”

Sean tries for the weasel-blessing. She says, “There are three other ladies you’re going to meet…we’ll see what happens.” DENIED! Sean confessionals he didn’t get the blessing he wanted. He has met the tyger and was burnt in its eyes.

Sean gives her some silhouette.

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Geez, guys, lighting crew on strike that day?

Budweiser ad where the guy raises a horse that years later becomes one of the Bud Clydesdales and he goes to see it in a parade and it shakes off the yoke of its oppressive masters (i.e., Budweiser) to make sure it says hi to him. Mixed messages, there.

Lindsay’s hometown. She’s an army brat, and her dad is a two-star general. “Pretty much military bases are my hometown.”

Just to sum up: So far we have ⑴ strict reverend father who caused his daughter to run away at 17, ⑵ emotionally unstable father who fled his family, and ⑶ two-star general father who moved his child around the world.

Yup, daddy issues are this show’s bread and butter.

Sean seems very happy to see Lindsay. I think he’s keeping her. They walk around her little dink-ass town and she confessionals that she could see him moving there to be with her and having “family values” and such. Wait, so you’re for “family values” but you think your man is going to quit his job and move to be with you? Oh, sweetie…you didn’t finish reading the whole pamphlet, did you?

Sean confessionals that he loves seeing her small town. “This is more closely related to real life than anything else.”

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Behind him, a 500-pound person comes out of an ice cream shop, licking away like a cow with a salt-lick. Yup, this sure beats Seattle, with its stupid healthy people. That’s not real!

We see them get cupcakes. Barf. Sean asks her how he should address her dad: “General Yenter?” Lindsay: “Call him Mark.” OK, he says, if dad says so, but how do I start, “General or Mr.?” She looks really confused.

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“Just maybe avoid saying it. ‘Hey?’”

Hard to believe she couldn’t secure a full-time teaching position when she doesn’t know her dad’s honorific. She’s only lived with him for 24 years. She’s probably never heard anyone say, “Good morning, _____ Yenter.” “I have a report here for you, _____ Yenter.” “It’s a pleasure to meet you, _____ Yenter.”

God she’s dumb. D-U-M dumb.

Sean plays along like she’s being silly. “I’ll just say, ‘Hey…….’” I’m reminded of the great story arc on Arrested Developmentwhere Michael [SPOILERS] falls in love with Rita Leeds and thinks she’s so fun and care-free and child-like but it turns out she’s just a mildly retarded female. Mr. F.

I don’t know!” She’s stupid, ya’ll. Fambily vall-yews, though!

Lindsay disappears and brings back fatigues for Sean, and confessionals he needs to get “army ready” before he meets her family, because this episode needs padding and they can’t figure out how to get Lindsay back into a bikini.

Lindsay takes him out into the yard and yells at him like she’s a drill sergeant. “You think you can go to these other hometowns? You think you can kiss other girls? Give me twenty!” We’re getting into dangerous territory here, but luckily Sean likes push-ups like I like bjs.

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Ad for the Toyota AdZone featuring all the ads from Super Bowl. Wasn’t that, like, weeks ago? And why am I watching an ad for ads on Hulu on Hulu?

Ads for depression medicine always make me suicidal. Seriously, they’re fucking depressing. They should have a list of side-effects for the ad itself. “Don’t watch this ad if you’re already depressed, or have had suicidal thoughts.”

Lindsay is trying to explain Fort Leonard Wood to Sean, but she’s so slow she forms sentences the way 7-year-olds do. “And then, I went to the store, and there was a guy there, and guess what? He was a man, and I had a piece of candy, and I grew up on a base, and men train there, and my dad’s a general, and I like cupcakes…”

Sean goes with “Mr. Yenter” when meeting the dad. Major General Yenter looks nonplussed.

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My mom is a PhD, and I can tell you she does NOT like being called “Ms. Myrdal.” Not one bit. I bet two-star generals feel a little of that.

Lindsay’s mom asks Sean to go talk in the other room. Sean: “I’m crazy about your daughter, and she’s just…you know…so special.” Short-bus special, not Little Man Tate special, or even 38 Special.

Mom: “Are you falling in love with Lindsay?” Sean: “I’m not in a position to say that right now.” That’s it, hold on loosely. But don’t let her go.

Wait, didn’t we hear him tell Tierra he was falling in love with her a couple episodes ago? What exactly ARE the rules?

Mom confessionals she likes his answer because it was honest. “Honestly, I’m just porking your daughter for fun! Hey, at least I’m honest!”

Now Sean’s spending time Getting to Know the General. The General explains how protective he is of his “gorgeous little daughter.” Hrm.

Time for Sean to weasel-ask for the general’s blessing. “I don’t know how this is going to play out, but obviously I’m crazy about your daughter, so I feel it only necessary to ask you for your blessing if that time comes and if we both feel like that’s the thing to do, which I know must sound like the craziest question ever, considering you’ve only known me for two hours now.” Then he turns blue and falls over.

General isn’t sure what to make of this.

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“So are you asking for me for my blessing…now?” “Yes sir!” General smirks.

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He’s in command now. “Well, that’s kind of tough, I don’t know…um…um…” I think the phrase you’re looking for is, “I don’t know anything about you except you’re some douche on a reality TV show.”

The general explains that, being a paratrooper, you’re surrounded by the enemy and you can’t ask people for help. He acknowledges that his metaphor gives Sean implicit authority to make his own decision. I like the General.

Sean loves the General. “It makes me more attracted to Lindsay.” OK, now we’re in a weird area again.  The General gives Sean some dog tags of his own. You know Sean loves that.

It’s night, and Lindsay is saying bye to Sean. Lindsay: “I’m definitely falling in love with you.” Sean: “You are? That means so much to me.” Oh, how cute. You’re in love with me. Isn’t that adorable?

Sean gives Lindsay some goodbye lip.

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There’s been so little tongue recently I’m worried Sean has a mouth lesion or something.

Fucking hipsters dance while using their Surface(s). This ad makes me want to throw a Surface into a furnace, not buy one.

Desirée’s day. Christ, I thought we’d already done four. My hands are tired and I’m three glasses into this 2004 Barolo.

Dez lives in Hollywood, which is convenient since all Bachelor couples move there to try to launch their showbiz careers after the show.

Dez wraps her legs around him again to remind him why he likes her.

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I’m calling Dez and Lindsay for the final two, because Sean <3 dumb.

Sean: “Dez and I had a connection from the very beginning.” Yah, a connection with your hips. A penis connection. You porked her in a hot tub, is what I’m saying.

Dez says, “Because I missed you so much, I realized I don’t wanna have to miss you.” Oh, man, she’s smart. He gives her some lip.

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No training or cupcakes or fish throwing, they go straight to her house. “I did all the artwork that’s up.”

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Whelp, I guess I’m a hottentot.

Dez actually says: “This is a lot of uh just being able to—just him and I, just preparing dinner for my family.” Ya mon, I and I make manga for I mom, bamba yay. (It took me three times to transcribe that.)

Suddenly a knock at the door; is her family here?

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Hmm, her dad looks kind of young. And sheepish. And she says, “What are you doing here?”

OK, no. I’m stopping this right now. First off: even this show isn’t so incredibly classless that they had the ex-boyfriend come beg for Desiree to take him back on national TV. And second: even this FUCKING STUPID show doesn’t think we’re so damn dumb that we believe the boyfriend somehow knew to come tonight without the producers setting it up. She’s been gone for weeks. Somehow he decided to come over to her house the night she’s back in town with Sean? No. Just no. You have pushed me too far. This is enough, I say. Have you no decency?

He hugs her. “Can we talk?” He looks around and—quelle surprise— suddenly notices the camera…

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…and the lighting crew and the sound guy and the PAs and Sean. Because you wouldn’t note any of that right away.

Dez: “I’m kind of in the middle of something.” AWK-ward.

Sean says, “Go ahead,” because he’s got like six inches and 100 pounds of muscle on the guy. Ex-boyfriend looks to the camera and says, “Can you guys turn that off?” to maintain the illusion that it was a crazy coincidence he somehow came on the only day in the last six weeks she’s been home and at the exact moment right before her parents showed up but right after she’d finished making dinner and was waiting for said parents.

New guy says, “Dez, I love you. I’ve been texting, calling. Where the hell have you been.” This guy is over-selling it…wait. I get it. Hollywood.

This guy’s an actor. Her brother the actor. They’re doing another hilarious Bachelor set-up, except this time the humiliation is on Sean! Whee!

The actor becomes somewhat abusive. We see Sean clinch his fist. This doesn’t seem like a smart idea. He touches Sean, Sean warns him not to put his hands on him. Seriously, dude, how far are you going to go for your art?

Dez is an even worse actor than him. She finally turns to Sean. “OK…now that he’s here I do have to tell you something.” Yes, he’s your brother, we get it. Like, he looks just like you, for one thing.

Hulu is doing that thing where ads pause every second for two seconds. It’s literally the most annoying thing in the world.

Back from commercials, the producers are feeling so clever they’re recapping the almost-fight, then:

Dez: “Gotcha!”

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Hah hah! Hope the rest of the evening is still fun even though you’re now full of rage and have no outlet.

“This is Nick. He’s an actor.” Nick’s apparently not related. Sean confessionals, “I learned Desiree can not only take a practical joke, she can also dish it out.” Well, I learned that the producers planned both these “jokes” and you’re full of shit. So, we’ve both grown a bit today.

The parents finally arrive, with her brother Nate. It’s a clear black night, with a clear white moon.

They recount Desiree slurping goat milk and it coming out of her nose. Ah, good times. One of the men says, “You must really remember that, Sean.” Wow, this just got weird. Dez says, “Shut up!”

Desiree’s mom Roxanne is a trippy hippy.

As an intro to talking to her brother, Dez confessionals, “It seems like the night is going well, but I’m not…quite…sure what my brother’s feeling? Because…I haven’t had a chance to talk to him about it.” So, wait, let me be clear: she needs to talk to her brother to find out what her brother has to say? I mean, wow, they really nailed that summary. I wouldn’t have figured that out without the confessional. Way to build tension!

The brother’s skeptical. Dez: “He makes me happy.” Brother: “Pssht. A lot of guys will make you happy.” Dez says it’s about knowing he’ll be there and knowing he’s your best friend. Brother: “You think that is your best friend?” Yipes. Someone should introduce him to Catherine’s sisters.

Oh, crap, that’d be a great show: Bachelor families meet, fight about whose daughter was the dumbest, etc.

Brother, “I’m thinking this is, like, not going to work. This is like, stupid, almost.” Not sure he understands what ‘almost’ means. “If it were to happen I’d be saying to myself, ‘There’s no way this could work out.’” True dat!

Kaplan ad with fucking hipster newlyweds who have tattoos for wedding rings to show how eager they are to “change the status quo.” Yah, fight the power by getting married. 

Dez is worried about her brother being a dick. Brother says he doesn’t think Sean feels it for Dez. Sean’s incredulous, as we are, since he clearly loves her dumb ass:

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Brother: “There’s just not that connection, youknowwhatImsayin.” I’m reminded of one of my favorite South Park bits.

Sean: “Uh, no, I don’t.” Sean’s smiling because the brother is such a parody of something, except we’re not sure what. “I mean, I’m crazy about your sister.”

Brother: “Crazy ‘bout a lotta girls, right?” Why’d they even invite the brother?

Sean says Dez will tell him, and brother says, “Oh no she crazy ‘bout you.” Seriously, is the brother trying to be some racial stereotype? I’m not placing it. Italian mafia? Rapper? Brooklyn street kid? I dunno.

Sean asks, “So does that put your mind at ease a little bit?” Brother: “Aw no I think you just a playboy, you just havin’ fun with the circumstances, just you know whatever comes along just have fun there, go to the next one, then have fun.”

Sean’s trying to be nice. “I’m sorry I gave you that opinion. That’s not me. I don’t think you’re buying it, though.” Brother: “Not at all.” Christ this guy is a psychopath.

Sean’s starting to get angry. I wish he would punch Nate. Cause then Nate-dogg would call Warren G and they’d pull out the straps and lay them busters down.

They go back in to dinner and Desiree tells off her brother for being a huge douche-weasel. Dinner gets awkward. More AWK-ward.

Dez gets no tongue.

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She goes inside and the family confronts the brother. Brother smiles because “you guys are drillin’ me right now.” Who talks like that? No, really, it’s not a rhetorical question.

The dad says, “You don’t understand things.” The brother snaps at the dad, “I don’t understand things? I guess you do.” That, indeed, is a good assumption, young lad.

This is what happens with children of hippies. They’re either super-nice or complete douche-bags. Some kids need the belt.

Nate says, “He’s not the one, Dez. He is not the one.” Nate loves the camera.

With the Surface your password could be drawing circles around sticky buns. Oh boy! That’s what’s been missing from my computing experience.

Sean takes his shirt off. Jesus, ABOUT TIME.

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Sean confessionals he has a question mark with Dez and Catherine. Man, I cannot imagine letting sisters and/or brothers get in the way of me and the gal I wanna marry. Or pork. Either one, really.

Sean and Chris talk because they have like ten minutes to kill before the rose ceremony. Sean actually says he thinks it’s down to cutting Catherine or Dez. Wow! That kind of spoiled the suspense. But he’s cutting Catherine because Dez is good-n-stupid.

He goes over the reasons with Chris. Dez’s brother is a douche—and who wants that around? Meanwhile, Catherine has plans of her own for life, and he’s not sure she’s ready to “settle down”—which apparently means giving up on having a life of your own and being a subservient wifey.

Please, please, let Catherine go, for both of you.

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Ceremony time. Chris says a bit. Sean arrives. He thanks the chicks for their warm and welcoming families. Hmm. That doesn’t sound right.

“As I’m talking right now I don’t know who I’m going to say goodbye to.” Geez, really? That’s really bad, if you’re serious.

First rose will go to Lindsay. We all know it.

Dez: “Sean, can I talk to you really quick?” What? This is unheard of in the history of roses and ceremonies! Both!

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Lindsay and Catherine have brought their A-games and their C-cups.

Dez takes Sean outside to where there are literally 8 producers milling around.

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Dez apologizes for her stupid brother and cries her head off.

First Rose, Part Two:

“AshLee.” What? Seriously? She’s so…adopted. “Yes, e-well.” (?)

“Lindsay.” Dur. She barks at him: “Chape.” (?)

Down to Dez and Catherine, as Sean promised. Gee, wasn’t that suspenseful when you told us ten minutes ago? You could really save a lot of time if you’d just hand out a single anti-rose instead.

Chris explains about final roses.

C’mon, set Catherine free. Let her go. You know she’s too smart and ambitious for you. She’s probably a Democrat.

Suddenly, the music swoops! Sean puts the rose back on the tray!

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No! Bad Sean! Wrong way! Pick UP rose, give to GIRL.

Sean looks down, then stomps out of the room. Dude with a huge green camera follows him.

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Can’t they afford those cool Red HD cameras?

Sean’s gone back to the creepy “Study of Babes.”

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What, your house doesn’t have a room full of pictures of all the chicks you’re dating? Well, how the hell do YOU decide whom to marry?

Chris follows him. “What’s going on, man?” Well, you told me we had to stretch this fucker, so I’m doing that. Oh, shit, are we still on camera?

I’ll always love Jack-in-the-Box ads. You know when I was a kid they tried to change the whole chain to be upscale? They got rid of the clown-head guy, and renamed it “Monterey Jack’s.” It totally tanked, and they’ve been great ever since. Well, except during that racism scandal. And I think they had a tainted-meat scare, too.

Oh, sorry, we’re already back. Sean’s not sure if he can send Dez home or some shit.

Music swells. Catherine looks like she’s going to faint.

“Catherine.” What? COME ON. She’s so not for you. You ain’t gonna break that filly. “yesslvrce” (?)

CONGRATULATIONS Catherine! He grudgingly picked you third after a ton of deliberation. So he obviously has the strongest feelings for you and will be asking you to marry him next episode. Seriously, at this point she should just say, “Nope, you didn’t pick me first, so there’s no point in continuing this charade. Peace out.” And then put her hand way in the air and drop the rose in front of him.

Sad music. Chris: “Desiree, I’m sorry. Take a moment and say your goodbyes.”

He sits with her. “I know that you have every quality that I am looking for in a wife. I really do.” Good start! Wait, where is this going?

Dez: “I really feel like this is a huge mistake. 100%. Not even 99.9! 100%.” She is really attuned to her feelings! They hug for a long time in front of the limo. It’s really sad.

Sean: “I’m going to miss you a lot.” Dez: “Then why let me go?” Zing!

Holy cow we have a one-minute limo trail of tears before they show the “Coming up…” section. Ugh. They really had NOTHING this week.

Here’s how Hulu Plus works: (a) I already have it, so why are you showing me this, and (b) it doesn’t eliminate ads and most programs can’t be viewed on iPads or Apple TV, so it’s mostly pointless.

Outtakes are of Sean and Lindsay eating cupcakes and SURPRISINGLY shoving them in each other’s faces. I’m reminded of one of my favorite gals in the world who is otherwise pretty fun but FUCKING HATES when I get playful like that. Like, mad-the-rest-of-the-night-and-will-bring-it-up-for-years hates it.

We’re reminded that the “Pike Place Market Clock is a Trademark owned by the Pike Place Market PDA.” Christ, what’s happened to our society? You can’t show a shot of a damn clock without having to worry about trademarks? I remember when you could show T-shirts with logos, and now they blur those. And tattoos. Doesn’t anyone see how destructive this is? We’re losing our rights to the very world around us.

The Bachelor, Season 17, Week 6

The Bachelor is presented with limited commercial interruption by K•Y brand.” Finally, a sponsor I can get behind. Heh, heh, get *behind.*

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Why not try their “date night” pack, which apparently assumes your dates involve having sex like a thousand times? I mean, mine do, sure.

“Tonight on The Bachelor…” Tierra cries, Tierra gets in a fight, Tierra stumbles over a ladybug and is rushed to the ER. OK, I’m not really watching the previews, but you know I’m right.

You know what, I’ve watched the episode now and I’ll save you the trouble of reading this recap, since it’s a super-boring episode: Trip to beach, bikinis, more bikinis, tongue, Tierra fight!, roses.

Still here? Well, OK, it’s your funeral: Sean confessionals that he wanted to break the rules and fly into St. Croix with the women. You fool! Do you know what you’ve done? Human sacrifice, cats and dogs living together, mass female hysteria! Sean asks, “How often do you get to fly into St. Croix on a seaplane?”

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Well, when you’re that specific, I guess not that often. How often do you fly to the top of the Space Needle on a hot-air balloon wearing an old-timey monocle?

Could it be the producers wanted to save money by putting them all on one plane? But imagine if this plane crashed—the whole show would be over. (Phew!) And then Emily from the last Bachelorette would be all, “I’ve finally realized Sean was the love of my life…but his plane never landed. Again.

Lesley confessionals she’ll be happy if she gets some Sean and some sand and some sun. This episode is brought to you by the letter “S” and bikinis. The gals check into some resort. Who knows which one?

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I’m reminded of an old family joke: A pirate says, “Arr, where’s me buccaneers?” and his mates respond, “On the sides of yer buccan ‘ead!”

AshLee confessionals, “I wanna one-on-one with Sean,” which I assert is an assiduously assonant announcement. One-on-one, she wants to play that game tonight.

AshLee: “I just want to look into his eyes, I want to be out in the sun, I want to be in my swimsuit.” Hrm, I notice ⅔ of what the girls want here is beach-related and not, say, Sean-related. It’d be cool if they went on a date with each other and flirted with local guys. Wouldn’t The Bachelor be more compelling if the girls were encouraged to flirt with locals wherever they went, so the Bachelor had at least a tiny bit of competition?

Tierra decides to put a rollaway bed in a room of her own, so she doesn’t have to share space with the girls who “like her boyfriend.” You keep using that word; I do not think it means what you think it means.

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This is supposed to demonstrate what a bitch she is, but honestly if I had to choose between a rollaway bed and sharing a bed with a dude, I’d pick the rollaway. But, you know, it’s cooler when girls sleep together, because we all agree that lesbians ‘r’ hot.

Date card. “AshLee: Let’s get carried away.” They’re going for a ride in a litter? They’re going to do longhand addition? 

In a badly-cut sequence, we hear “Tierra” sing “The cougar’s back in town” for some reason, except the shot is of all the other women, not Tierra singing. Then they cut to Tierra sitting silently and smiling—she obviously didn’t just sing something.

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We hear someone off-camera say, “What?” all shocked, and they cut back to the the silent gals and play the same song soundbite for us. “Reality” TV hint: If you don’t see the person’s lips move, stuff is being spliced together and shown out of order to generate drama.

Tierra confessionals that AshLee is an old woman at 32 and she should already have herself a man by now. One nice thing about being made fun of for being old is that the best possible outcome for the young person is that they’ll be your age one day.

Sean picks up AshLee. The gal in blue goes the extra mile for me.

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You know, nothing…just hanging around a living room in my bikini. Well, thank you, Lindsay. Your efforts weren’t in vain. I noticed.

Sean tells us there’s no rose on today’s date, because the surviving women will get home visits, and so—like with Giant Hogweed—you want to be careful picking them.

As the camera is panning over her body, Sean voiceovers that ever since he put the blindfold on AshLee, “I’ve seen another side to her.”

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Stay classy, Bachelor! Sean takes his shirt off.

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Ladieeees.

AshLee voiceovers that she was abandoned as a child. What? That’s the first I’ve heard of this. And I’m pretty sure I was kind of listening, some of the time. “I’m feeling like my mom and dad didn’t want me.” I guess that’s part of putting you up for adoption, sure.

They’re taking a giant catamaran to a tiny private island.

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Weren’t they already on a small island? Are they just going to keep going to successively smaller islands until they end up on a single grain of sand, poking out of the ocean? It’s turtles and strippers all the way down, folks!

Meanwhile, back at the resort: Bikinis!

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(Way to save yourself for marriage, Catherine.)

The girls are reading from the script the producers have given them. Lindsay: “Do you think AshLee is going to talk to him about [long pause] Tierra?” Cut! Ugh, you had one line. They all agree Tierra is the worst thing since Monsanto started poisoning us all slowly, and they hope AshLee will bring it up. Gosh, this’d be a great place for the editors to cut to:

Sean and AshLee on the beach. Sean: “So…has the drama subsided or are people just not telling me?” Don’t fall for it, AshLee! Complain and he’ll drop you like he’s your daddy!

AshLee dishes about Tierra. She’s going deep. She’s deep-dishing like she’s from Chicago. Sean says, “Thank you for telling me that [you will be cut next], because I need to know [who to cut next, which is you]. So thank you [for making that decision for me, snitch].”

Remember, ladies: he’ll always pick a snatch over a snitch.

AshLee: “I know the possibility that Sean and I could have that’s perfect.” Umm. English? Sean gives her some tongue.

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Man, that seems familiar somehow.

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Hey, AshLee, did you know that Deborah Kerr was an orphan, too? Nah, I’m messing with you—she had a very loving family. I looked it up.

Glade has a scented candle now. Hot damn! Why has nobody ever thought of mixing “stinky” with “fire hazard” before?

Here’s a guy who bikes all over San Francisco so he can text his girlfriend his GPS log, which makes a giant heart, so you should use Verizon. I dunno, I feel like I’d rather have a partner who had something more important to do? Like, either spend time with me or go do something amazing with your life.

Date card time. Tierra confessiowhines that she wants it. Will our friend Coffee Table deliver?

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Hey, buddy, looking good—those stripes are really slimming.

“Tierra: Let’s explore our love on the streets of St. Croix…” Urm…he’s going to make her into a street-walker? Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease.

The girls try to act enthusiastic. Dez says, “You get to see the town of [long pause] St. Croix.” Come on. One line. You had one line.

Tierra complains that the town will have bugs and be sweaty, and she likes sailing. Lesley M. confessighnals, “I hate that bitch. Ulch.”

MEANWHILE, Sean’s taking AshLee to a private dinner on the beach (with the entire crew). So romantic! Sean confessiona-lies, “I haven’t felt this way about someone in a long time.” What, like, a day? Day and a half?

Sean reaches over and grabs wine from a bucket, and we hear a “ice rustle” sound cue. Then they toast.

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Mmm, red wine on ice. That’s how they do it in the colonies, you know.

Sean tells her that he might meet her family, and is there anything else he should know? Tension! Confessionalling! She has a deep, dark secret! She spends a couple minutes saying things like, “I really just want to say it and be done with it.” Because, clearly.

“So, 15 years ago…” here we go: just gotten though adoption…she had a boyfriend…and she got married when she was 17. HARLOT! SLUT! BRAND AN “A” ON HER CHEST WITH A HOT IRON! Cast her from polite society!

Sean doesn’t care. “I certainly don’t view you as being broken because you’re not.” Yes she is. No, really. So very, very broken. He gives her some lips, but no tongue.

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AshLee stands on her chair and starts yelling at the island. Yup, sane.

Sean: “AshLee is…special.” And sincere?

Microsoft Surface. You can toss ‘em around and make clicking noises with ‘em. Sold!

“Florida’s Natural Oranges are never imported.” No doy?

Morning in St. Croix. Pelican!

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I love pelicans. I love pelicans because I love wild things, and birds are among the last to live amongst us. And because once my Dad took us to the Florida Keys and we saw an old fisherman on a dock catching fish with a giant pelican sitting beside him, and every time he’d catch a fish he’d pull it off the line and toss it to the pelican, who’d swallow it whole. The man didn’t need the fish—he just liked having a pelican friend.

Sean gets his first one-on-one date with Tierra, which is like having a one-on-one date with a honey badger that cries a lot. Sean confessionals everyone hates Tierra and he has questions for her. Yah, I bet you have some really probing questions to ask her, Sean. You’re going to give her a real tongue-lashing. You are going to stick your tongue in her mouth.

I’ve seen this dance too many times. She’s going to whine about being picked on and he’s going to feel like he has to protect her and she’ll get a rose.

I just realized Tierra reminds me of a gal I dated briefly many years ago who loved to complain and play the victim and have me buy her things but also would occasionally make promises of great things to come to keep me interested. Once she said she’d have sex with me if I’d show her texts I’d gotten from Matt Groening because she loved The Simpsons so much. That turned out to be a lie—I mean, yes, sure, I tried showing her the texts. I’m a man. But I’m glad we never had sex. Hear me? Glad!

Tierra confessionals Sean took her shopping OMG and “he bought me the most incredible things a guy could buy on the first date,” while she’s wearing a crappy clay island necklace he got her. I’d like to point out that the poker dealer got diamond earrings and a new dress on Rodeo Drive. But, hey, her face didn’t have a hatchet wound on it.

Suddenly, a parade! Because every day is Carnivale if you’re in a Latin country.

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Sean confessionals that Tierra is totally great and energentic around him. Yup.

MEANWHILE: AshLee is back at the resort telling the girls how she narc-ed out Tierra. Never works.

MEANWHILE: Sean confessionals he still has questions about Tierra. He asks her what’s going on, over a snowcone. She says bitches be jealous. He asks if she’d treat the other women differently if she had to do it over again.

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She says, “Nmm-mm…these girls aren’t going to be around for much longer, you know?” Look at her face when she says that. Man, don’t end up with someone full of hate.

Take a Carnival cruise, where you can watch comedy shows “presented by George Lopez.” So I’m guessing midway through the cruise there’s a fight with Carlos Mencia.

Also, it’s got to be a bit of a waste of money to be advertising Carnival Cruises right now, huh?

K•Y ad again. K•Y asks: do you know what your guy really wants for Valentine’s Day? Well, yes, it’s a blowjob, which doesn’t require any lube. But you know what’s in second place?

Night, back on the date. Tierra confessionals she felt the vibe was off with Sean. So she’s going to complain. And she does. Always Be Complaining: It’s the most attractive thing you can do!™

We know Sean is completely susceptible to Tierra’s whining, but this time he doesn’t have a rose to stuff in her gob. Confessional: “I spent the whole day with AshLee yesterday, and I probably let that influence me a little too much.” Yup, there he is, wussing out.

MEANWHILE, at the resort, a date card arrives. “Catherine, Desiree, Lindsay: Love is on the horizon.” He’s going to teach them how to do instrument landings in a Cessna? The girls are all super-excited that Lesley must be getting the one-on-one, I guess since they’ve bonded in their hatred of Tierra.

At this point I’d like to predict that if he’s going from six to four women this week, he’s going to drop Lindsay the substitute teacher who doesn’t know what a helicopter looks like and AshLee the damaged-goods orphan. Because Tierra is 2 terrible 2 lose 4 now.

Lesley says she “could be locked in a closet with Sean, and it would be amazing.” I think she’s confusing Sean with R. Kelly. “I’m excited to see what the future holds.” Drink.

Back on the date, Tierra confessionals she can’t believe a girl had the nerve to throw her under the bus. Hmm, maybe this bus incident explains her face? She gives Sean an awkward and not at all heartfelt speech about falling in love with him, and he says quietly, “I’m falling in love with you.” This is the first time he’s mentioned the “love” this season, so of course it’s with ¡La muchacha del destral! He gives her some tongue.

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At this point I’m not even bitter about her possibly “winning.” What exactly is she going to win? A couple months with Sean, a humiliating public break-up, and a lifetime of being “that snatch from Bachelor 17” every place she goes. Hoooooray.

The girls are back at the resort talking about how much crap Tierra is going to give AshLee for the whole bus incident. Also, that’s what all the previews have been about. The producers realize they only have one interesting thing this show.

Are you treating your hair at the wrong end? God, I dunno, I squirt green stuff into my hands and rub it in and rinse it out.

Night, at the resort. “Intrigue” music is playing. It’s 5am, and Sean is breaking into the women’s bedrooms to wake them early for their date. Because what fun is a date unless one of you has had no sleep and is incredibly grumpy? Wait, I did that over Thanksgiving; it wasn’t fun at all.

Sean confessionals he knows women hate to be seen without make-up, so he’s brought a camera into their bedroom to make it much worse. Ha ha! Let’s start this day with humiliation and invasion of privacy!

Catherine says she’s the lowest maintenance: “I just need to pee and I’m good to go.” Hee, we love her.

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Catherine actually looks pretty damn hot at 5am. Call me? Or call your friend and have her call me?

They watch the sun rise over the Atlantic. The girls love the sun. Desiree confessionals she wishes she were alone with him so she could get some “lip action.” Oh, sweety, I don’t think you’ll be lacking Sean Tongue.

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They montage through a day-long road trip of the island, like in Indiana Jones. Catherine confessionals that Desiree seems to connect with Sean really well: “It seems to be Lindsay and me having a date with Sean and Desiree.” Catherine’s a straight-shooter. Probably too smart for Sean.

Desiree isn’t! “Today is the perfect day to get the rose.” Yes, in that you’re on the only date where there is a rose, this would be a good choice.

Back at the resort, Coffee Table brings us a date card. They’re not giving Coffee Table a lot of air time this season because they don’t want him to make Desiree and Lindsay seem dumb by comparison.

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“Lindsay: I hope our love stands the test of time.” Err, they’re going to do wind sprints? They’re going to a horologist? Hee-hee, “hor”-ology. Sean’s got his degree!

Back on the date, they arrive at anther beach to watch the sun set. They decide to go swimming. As we watch the girls strip down we hear Desiree say, “I think I showed him a lot today.” It’s like the producers don’t even want me to have a job.

Sean’s as red as a beet—he’s going to need a week to recover from this burn. He takes his shirt off.

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Frosted Mini Wheats Crunch: Because maybe it’s healthy if it’s crunchy, or something? That was what was keeping Frosted Mini Wheats from being good for you.

Lindsay gets some one-on-one time with Sean and tells him how much she likes him. She’s bubbly and fun and cute and I’m pretty sure Sean will cut her because she’s so low maintenance. Where’s the challenge? He gives her some lip.

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Catherine’s time. She tells Sean about her Dad’s depression and suicide attempts. I don’t make jokes about family suicides—I wonder why. But, hey, let’s check out what a giant crispy freckle Sean’s become:

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Sean gives Catherine some lip.

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MEANWHILE, back at the resort, the producers are setting up the big fight. AshLee and Lesley are tanning and talking about Tierra, and they are filming it as if Tierra can hear from inside. Nope nope nope. Don’t buy it.

Back on the date, it’s Desiree’s time with Sean. She cries talking about her family because they are just so darn great. Ugh. She cryfessionals about her parents: “They’re so simple but they’re so happy.” Yup, she’s  a chip off that block.

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Lining up the women. Who gets the date rose? Surprisingly, we’ve heard each of them confessional how much they want it. Sean clichés: “By a mile, this was the hardest decision I’ve had to make so far.” Drink again—I’m on my second salty dog.

He gives Lindsay the substitute for a real teacher the rose! Shit, my predictions are off. My new guess is he’ll cut Lesley the blonde nerd-hating politico and Lil’ Orphan AshLee, since they’re both kind of sophisticated and he’s kind of not.

Lindsay kind of lives in her bikini. Hmm, that probably didn’t hurt her rose-getting chances.

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Coming up: Fight! Fight! Fight!

Today it’s Lesley Nerd-Hater’s date. Sean confessionals he really likes Lesley but he’s not as crazy about her as the other girls. Ok, first: I was right, and second: seriously, can you imagine picking Tierra over Lesley?

Lesley voiceovers that she’s watched the show before and she’s heard girls saying, “I’m falling in love,” and she thought they were insane, but now she’s falling in love. It’s comforting that she can’t judge me for thinking she’s insane.

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Lindsay’s trying to tell Sean she loves him. She’s maybe wearing a lot of blush, or blushing, or she’s having an allergic reaction to stupid. She chickens out. Whups! That’s gonna cost her. But he pins her against a fence and gives her some Sean tongue.

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Coming up: FIGHTING! CRYING! FIGHTING!

Another rock star going to Supercuts. Is this a really big demographic for them? Have I made that joke before?

Day of the rose ceremony. Odd we didn’t see Sean have dinner with Lesley before. Maybe he just took her on a date to mash her against a fence? I mean, I would.

Sean’s sister Shay is being flown in for the “family advice” / “we need filler” part of the season. Shay tells him to be careful who he picks—“don’t pick That One. […] A couple times The Bachelor has ended up with That One.” Yes. Indeed.

MEANWHILE, back at the resort, Tierra confronts AshLee in her passive-aggressive way. Tierra says, “I feel like some people have sabotaged me.”

CUT TO: Sean talking about liking Tierra from the beginning.

BUT: AshLee says, “You want to get nitty gritty? I liked you.” Oohhh, burn? Kitten fight, kitten fight!

CUT: Sean saying he’s heard chatter about Tierra being horrible.

AND ALSO: Tierra says, “When you throw someone under the bus, it backfires.” Or it could just need new spark plugs. “I hope when I’m 32 years old I’m married with a family and I don’t have to sit around with 20-year-olds gossiping.” Twice in this conversation Tierra’s dissed on being 32; there are no curses for her that time hasn’t already planned.

SO THEN: Sean says, “I don’t want to be an idiot and keep choosing the girl that’s bad for me.”

Shay: “What was the only piece of advice your big sister gave you before you left?”

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Sean: “’Don’t end up with the girl nobody likes.’” WE LOVE SHAY.

FINALLY: Tierra makes a flapping-shut ‘zip-it’ motion from Austin Powers with her hand and stomps off.

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“I’m done with this conversation.”

AshLee goes to vent to the women who are not horrible.

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I don’t know what’s going on before this shot but I’d like to be part of it.  

Tierra follows AshLee in (because she’s done, ya’ll!) and denies saying something horrible she just said on videotape. AshLee is gogglified. She’s like, “Can we reroll tape somehow?” AshLee says Tierra is always rude, with stares and raised eyebrows.

Tierra says, “That’s just my face. I can’t help it.” Well, OK, we can sympathize with her there. When life gives you a hatchet for a face…make firewood? I dunno. Hey, here’s one: how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could use Ashley’s face to cut it up for him?

Tierra: “I know, though, in my own skin, that I’m not rude. So when people keep attacking me—“ OK, I’m just going stop her there, because, seriously, is anyone this self-unaware? I mean, what exactly does it mean to be rude or polite if you’re the only person who agrees with you whether you’re being rude or polite? Rudeness lies with beauty.

Tierra: “I can’t control my eyebrow. I can NOT control my eyebrow. I can’t control what’s on my face—” Wait, has she really had a hatchet hit her in the face? I was halfway joking about that.

BUT WAIT: Sean suggests to Shay that he grab Tierra so she can judge for herself.

OK, this isn’t an ad, but I just got the new Jawbone “Up” bracelet today to try out, and my guess is it’s powered by Santa Claus. Like, it sees me when I’m sleeping, it knows when I’m awake, it knows if I’ve been bad or good…

Back at the resort, Sean’s looking for Tierra. Tierra is off crying by herself. Man, she’s good. “This is just so hard for me Sean, and you know that. I’m just so sensitive, and I have such a big heart.” I swear she really says that. She cries more. “I’m going to be honest with you, because I always am, but my date with you has been really heavy on my heart…Today I confronted somebody because I felt like that person sabotaged our connection…Just, like, AshLee. She’s been out to get me, I think…I hate confrontation like this and I hate getting emotional.” No words. I have no words.

Sean says, “Hold on for one second, I’ll be right back.” Oh sweet god he’s going to give her another rose for this crap. I’m going to need another drink for this.

Dole fruit bowls: because who the hell would want to eat fresh fruit? Ick.

Sean is walking around thinking about the drama. “I’ve made a decision.”

Sean goes back to talk to Tierra. Tierra starts bawling. Sean says, “I’m crazy about you, and I have been since the very first night.” Seriously, eff you Sean if you give her a rose. “And since I care so much about you I think it might be best if…you know…you go home now.”

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OH NO HE DID NOT.

Sean apologizes. She says she’s sorry. TOO LATE, PHALAROPE. He walks her out.

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He asks if she’s OK. “No, I’m not.” Well, that’s not my problem now, Beee-ATCH. OK, he doesn’t say that.

In the car she cries out, “I can’t believe they did this to me!” Why is everyone so mean to Tieeeerrra? Do not go gentle into that good night, but please do go.

Sean goes back to talk to his sister, and tells her he cut it off with Tierra.

According to Swiffer my garden tools are getting more action than I am.

Bing ad with some music awards show aftermath—totally flops. I don’t have anything against Bing; in fact, I may partner with them someday, but this ad is trying too hard to be cool. I don’t use Google to look up awards shows I wasn’t in, I use it to look up stuff in my actual life, like how to get cat vomit out of Persian rugs.

Rose night. The girls are talking about Tierra coming back, as if they didn’t know she’s gone. Hint to producers: we know that they have to wheel the gal’s luggage past everyone after they axe her.

Sean recaps what a giant bag of crazy Tierra was, and how she’s gone. AshLee confessiorries that Sean thinks she started the fight.

Sean says there will be no cocktail party because he already knows who he’s going to cut. I’m still saying bye to AshLee, because I think he likes silly women more than hard ones.

Chris comes in. “I know all of you really respect what he did today with Tierra.” Amen.

Chris introduces Sean. First rose time, no words!

“Dez.” DUH. Dez all the way. “Of course daiwoo.” (I think.)

“Catherine.” Because she’s fun and we need to leave AshLee for last. [silent hug]

Chris: “Ladies, Sean, this is the final rose tonight, when you’re ready.”

“AshLee.” What the eff? “Of course.”

Well, I guess both AshLee and Lesley are too accomplished / professional for him, so it was one or the other. Sean whispers to her, “I wanna fuck you up,” and walks her out. Actually I may not have heard that right.

Catherine is visibly crying about losing Lesley from the pack, which makes me wonder even more about what C & L were doing in bed together earlier. I mean, it’s cool. I’m not judging. You know, I’m a modern guy. I live in the Castro. Consenting adults, whatevs.

Lesley: “It doesn’t feel good. It just doesn’t, you know. Rejection. Doesn’t. Feel. Good.” So true.

Catherine is a mess.

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Catherine says, “If he doesn’t want Lesley then I don’t know why I’m here.” Because you always smile at him and sit on his lap and kiss him? This isn’t rocket science.

No champagne toast this week! Or even red wine on ice.

Comcast thinks sitting on your car is your living room. This explains a lot about the problems I had with my last cable install.

After the break: Sean is telling Lesley his family tradition. Every Christmas his family drives around in PJs and looks at lights. Man, they are crazy mother-flippers.

The Bachelor, Season 17, Week 5, Part 2

Tonight on The Bachelor: “Part 2 of the two-day Bachelor Event.” Why is there a part 2? Is this really necessary? Do we really need a daily dose of The Bachelor?

Sean’s in Canada, on Lake Louise, because he needs another woman in his life. “The truth is, I’m not feeling so great, because I have some doubts going into this week.…There were definitely moments where I thought, ‘My wife is probably not here.’” You poor guy. Again, if you’d like, I’ll take Lesley and Catherine off your hands. This is a service I offer, at no charge, just because I’m a nice guy.

Nine women left. Chris addresses them in front of the lake. In Banff.

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Banff Banff Banff. That’s fun to say. Two one-on-one dates this week, plus a group date. Keep your bags packed because Sean could get bored of you at any moment, and you exist only for his pleasure.

"But first, go to your suite here at the Fairmont Chateau Lake Louise," who did not pay us a promotional consideration for this shout-out, so just shut up. Nyah.

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Lesley ”mmmm-mmm” M. says Lake Louise “screams romance.” That’s an awkward turn of phrase. “HEY! HEY YOUSE! I’M MOTHERFUCKING BEING ROMANTIC OVER HERE! SWEET NOTHINGS AND SHIT!”

Various gals confessional that there’s a lot of tension and Sean’s unhappy. YOU HAVE DISPLEASED THE GODS. AshLee says, “I feel like there is tension in the house; the girls are trying to subside the tension.” I don’t think you can use ‘subside’ that way, but, hey, I’m not the one on national TV, more’s the pity.

Date card! Catherine (hot and smart), Daniella (casting couch), and Tierra (hatchet face) haven’t had one-on-ones yet. “Catherine: Let’s find our happy ending.” Uh…they’re going to play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey?

Catherine is all smiles. Yay, Catherine! She waits for Sean in the snow, until he pulls up in a “giant snow-bus.”

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See, I didn’t even know that was a thing. They park the bus on a glacier in the middle of a snowstorm. Catherine’s having a ball with him—it’s lucky he didn’t bring Tierra or Selma into this blizzard.

Sean says, “There’s no doubt in my mind Catherine has passed the blizzard test.” Because what’s a date without testing?

Xfinity is “the future of awesome.” Which I guess mean in the future “awesome” really lets itself go.

They go for a horse-drawn cart ride. Catherine loves everything. Carts. Snow. Sean. Air. Puppies. Everything.

They pull up to an ice castle.

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Should’ve brought Lesley—she’s more of an ice queen. Oooh! Ice burn!

MEANWHILE, back at the hotel, our friend End Table comes to deliver another date card.

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Daniella Casting Couch confessionals she wants a one-on-one date because she hasn’t had much time with Sean, and god knows Tierra has had more than her share. AshLee reads: “Tierra, Sarah, me, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley, and last but not least…Daniella.” Oh burn. You’re toast, Daniella. “Let’s bare our souls.” They’re going to go walk on bear rugs?

All the girls discuss how shocked they are Daniella didn’t get the one-on-one date. Daniella is sad. “I won’t cry on camera.”

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Too late!

Meanwhile, back at the ice castle, Sean asks Catherine what he doesn’t know about her. She confessionals she wants to tell him what’s made her who she is. At age 12 a friend of hers was killed in front of her by a falling tree at summer camp. Yyyyy-ikes. And that taught her she wanted a partner in life.

Sean gives her a rose, because, duh, she’s Catherine. He gives her some Sean Tongue (not to be confused with Sean Young, from Blade Runner).

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Geez, Sean, do you kiss your mama with that tongue?

Catherine says, “I opened up to him.” Yah, we see that. Sean says his whole perspective has changed after making out with Catherine. See, man, I told you.

Red Lobster. I recently read an article about how the U.S. inspects essentially none of the seafood that’s imported from other countries, so restaurants with cheap shrimp probably have incredibly diseased, chemical-laden crap. Also: calamari made from bung, A.K.A. pig rectum. Dammit. Dammit all. 

Next morning, group date. “I have an exhilarating date planned today, that will definitely challenge the women.” Ah good, a test. That means it’s not fear or humiliation, so, you know, it’s relatively benign for a date. Seriously, the only test I ever inflict on women I date is, “Let’s see if I can touch your tonsils.”

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They’re going canoeing. Because that worked great last episode. Lesley immediately volunteers to be with Sean, because she knows how to play this game.

Lesley decides Sean can row by himself and sits on the bottom of her canoe.

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Rookie mistake—with the water right under her she’s going to literally freeze her ass. (Yah, I’m an expert. North Georgia mountains, bitches.)

Selma confessionals she wanted a giant shark to come and eat Lesley’s boat. Oh yah, like there are freshwater sharks in Canada, Selma. DUH. Oh, also, it’d kill Sean, too.

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Although they’re trying to cross the lake, in every shots the boats are all headed in very different directions. Would it have killed the producers to give the girls like a minute of paddling instructions?

Lesley confessionals, “We’re paddling along…there better be a hot tub in my future because this is freezing.” Told you.

Sean says, “The girls think the day’s over. And it has been an incredible day, but it’s not over.” What? Dude, there’s no way the girls think the date’s over. Like, all you’ve done is paddle across a damn lake. That takes like twenty minutes. And only one of them even got to talk to you. Plus, these dates always go until late at night—there’s always dinner, and a concert, or fireworks. Honestly, what kind of idiots would believe…ohhhhh. Right.

Sean tells the assembled girls they’re going to do the “Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge.” Wait, does this fall under humiliating, testing, or scaring them? Or all three? My god…it’s the perfect-storm date.

Since we’ve seen the previews a billion times, we all know that Tierra is going to succumb to the cold and her frozen corpse is going to be hauled off in a body bag, while all the girls chant “ding-dong the bitch is dead.”

To do it, Sean says they have to run over to the lake and “jump in the deep end.” Do lakes have deep ends? “You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to do it.” (Except you do.) “But hopefully everyone wants to do it.” (Or go home, you wusses.)

Selma confessionals she’s out. You go girl, set limits. (Actually I’ve done this and it’s fun as heck, but I’m Icelandic—not Iraqi—so it’s kind of in my blood.)

Glade: “Automatically fill your home with a welcoming fragrance.” Ugh. Chemicals.

Capital One. It’s been pointed out that Alec Baldwin seems like he’s funny because his voice is so gravelly it sounds like he’s always being sarcastic, but in fact that’s just his voice.

Selma continues to resist. I think she’s more worried about her make-up than anything else.

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She strikes me as one of those girls you can’t have sex with because she’s upset if you mess up her hair or face. Oh, also because her mom would die.

Sean’s trying to wheedle her into it. “You’re only going to be able to do this once in your life.” Actually, Sean, “cold water” is not the rare commodity you might expect. You may have even seen a tap in your house labelled “cold”—it may surprise you to learn there are multiple sources of this rare substance.

Selma confessinoals, “He was like, ‘This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.’ I’m like, ‘No it’s not, I could come back and do this any time.’” Hah! She gets it. 40 points for House Virgindor.

AshLee confessionals that she doesn’t want to do it, but she’ll do it, but she’s going to be “emotionally vulnerable, because I know I’m doing it for Sean.” That there is pretty fucked up. If you’re going to emotionally blackmail a woman into doing something, it should at least be sex.

The camera keeps panning across the name of the company that’s watching over them while the women take the plunge, but I guess late in the process the company decided they didn’t want to pay the promotional fees, so we get a blurry mess.

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Sean takes his shirt off.

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Aww, yah, that’s what we’ve been waitaminute no.

They jump into the water, shrieking the entire time. It sounds like seagulls outside an Ivar’s.

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Lesley doesn’t let go of Sean the entire time. She’s a smart cookie.

Tierra starts to spaz out. Quel surprise! She’s bending over a lot and grasping at people but also squirming out of the towels they’re trying to wrap around her. I don’t…think this is how people experiencing hypothermia behave? But what do I know. Maybe the concussion she got earlier in the season was reactivated by the cold water.

Sean says he feels terrible.

Tierra is all doubled over and seems to be having trouble breathing. It all seems pretty contrived, but, to be fair, I don’t think she’s ever had to fake this particular malady before.

They wrap Tierra in towels and carry her out of there. Aren’t they a canoe-ride from civilization? Isn’t the treatment for hypothermia to press your naked chest against the other person? Wouldn’t they have warming packs in the tent they’ve set up if they’ve gone to the trouble of having a nurse and a lifeguard present? Wouldn’t somebody just fucking slap Tierra and tell her to stop squirming around so they could wrap her in a couple blankets and this whole thing could be over?

Oh, wait, then they wouldn’t have footage for their two-night all-Tierra-drama spectacular.

Catherine and Desiree are looking on from the lodge, and, yes, they’re carrying her back to it. Not, like, to a hospital. Just across the lake and to the lodge. Ok, if she’s well enough that she’s not going to the E.R., why is she being carried to the lodge like a burn victim?

 They put her into a black SUV to evaluate her condition, you know, how you do with anyone in distress.

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"Do you know what day it is?" Tierra says, "Nuh-uh," but to be fair that’s probably a pretty difficult question for her even when she’s warm. I mean, she counts on her fingers when people ask her for her middle name.

She appears cold and unresponsive—wait, I know how to cure that. Quick, somebody turn a camera on her! That’s always solved it before.

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They drive the SUV fifty feet to the entrance of the lodge, then unload Tierra into a wheelchair to wheel her inside. This is like the keystone cops. Lake ▶ SUV ▶ Wheelchair ▶ Lodge. Of course, the lodge is on the lake, so they could have just walked her right up the front steps into the lodge. But where’s the drama in that?

Tierra looks up and does a pouty face for the camera.

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"I missed time with him," she whines to us. Oh, phew, she’s back to her normal, super-annoying self. We were really worried there for a minute. Fake-hypothermia is, like, the number one almost-killer of attention whores who visit Canadian glaciers.

Great contrast shot of all the other girls whooping and hugging and smiling and saying how fun it was. Yay, everyone who isn’t Tierra! But, hey, guess who’ll get the rose this week?

The medics have put Tierra on oxygen and 1000cc’s of hoagie.

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Poooooooor Tierra. Sean comes to visit her. She’s all, “I don’t want you to see me like this,” except, you know, she’s had time to redo her mascara (see above). But, again, that’s the first-line treatment for fake-hypothermia.

This rock star gets his hair cut at SuperCuts. Hmm. Nope!

Red Lobster has a tilapia special. But why eat tilapia when instead you can just eat garbage and eliminate the middle-fish?

Night time, the remaining non-hypochondriac women are at a party with Sean. Lesley confessionals, “I’ve never done that before—jump in Lake Louise when it’s freezing outside.” That’s oddly specific.

She gets alone time with Sean, and tells him she knows it’s cheesy, but, “I love love.” Yup! Cheezy. He gives her some Sean Tongue.

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Sarah’s time with Sean. She’s brought him something special: old photos of her! Oh boy! Everyone loves looking at your old family photos.

Meanwhile, End Table is back with another date card:

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Damn, he’s getting paid double this show. You go, table!

"Desiree: Don’t be scared… to fall in love!" Oh, it’s ‘Dez’ again for this date—the only woman to get two one-on-ones. Again I’d like to point out the value of wrapping your legs around a guy in a hot tub, ladies. It gets results!

MEANWHILE, Tierra gets out of her deathbed and puts on her warpaint to go find Sean because “I’m not having any fun.” Yah, fake-hypothermia isn’t the bundle of laughs you’d expect.

Tierra Tierra Tierra everyone is talking about her I’m bored with it. Great shot of her walking to the party with sound cue of wolf crying in the distance, though.

Lesley says, “She had a concussion…from falling up the stairs.” What what what? We didn’t know she was going up! That whole drama was because she tripped on the bottom step? Oh. Mah. God. Wat. A. Ho.

Tierra arrives at the party. Sean immediately takes her off for alone time. Because you have to go out of your way to reward crazy, or some girls will start to let it slide.

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Lindsay the substitute teacher is whipping out the big guns tonight. I’m wondering how her students are going to react to this. She gets her alone time with Sean, and he says they can just spend all their time kissing if she wants. He gives her some SeanTongue.

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Do you like hockey? Yah? How do you like this tonsil hockey?

The rose goes to Lesley, however, because he “turned a corner with her.” I think “corner” is code for her hips in that bikini earlier, because, ka-pow.

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Or maybe he’s really that sincere and he’s talking about an actual corner of a building that they walked around together, and he feels it was a special moment.

Tiera bitchfessionals that she thinks she deserved the rose because she has put up with a lot of crap.

MiO Fit has electrolytes! I still haven’t seen that movie but it’s supposed to be pretty great.

Sean confessionals that there’s a woman who has told him she wants him to meet her family, but he’s not that into her. I wonder who it could be? I mean, it could be Sarah, of course, because we just saw her say this like five minutes ago. But that’s just what they want us to think.

"This has definitely been the hardest decision I’ve made thus far.” Everybody drink for “hardest decision yet!”

He knocks on the door to a tiny room where all the women are apparently sitting in a circle? I dunno. He asks for Sarah. SURPRISEnot.

Daniella confessionals that “it’s never happened before that Sean comes in and does something like this.” Except of course with Kacie B. earlier in the season, where this is exactly what he did. Back to your couch.

Sean summarizes their relationship, right up to, “I think that we closed it with a kiss tonight.” What? I don’t have a screencap of his tongue inside her. “And if I’m being completely honest, I just felt like…I felt like we were reaching.” Oh, now he’s make arm jokes. That’s just mean.

She’s upset. But she takes it like a champ. She’s been the butt of my stupid jokes a lot but she’s a super-sweet gal and has never been anything but class. I hope she and Robyn are friends after this.

She cries in the limo. She’s searching for validation that she’s a whole person when she thinks she’s not, so it kills her a little every time she’s rejected. I sympathize.

Seally™ has trademarked the phrase “Not too Hot, Not too Cold.” Urm. I thought the three bears had that one.

I actually just found the ball Alec Baldwin lost in his Capital One ad. It’s rolling around on the luggage conveyer on the left side of the screen.

It’s a new day, and Tierra is getting breakfast outside.

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Hah hah! She’s a bear because we hate her.

Desiree voiceovers, “Today is a huge day for me. I think Sarah going home makes it even more realistic for everyone.”

realistic |ˌrēəˈlistik| adjective: 1. having or showing a sensible and practical idea of what can be achieved or expected.

Nope!

"This is getting harder and harder as the weeks go on." That’s two drinks, one for "getting real" and one for "getting hard."

Sean says he’s worried Dez is worried, but “hopefully today I can put her at peace.” You’re going to KILL her? That seems extreme.

They hike to “Tunnel Mountain.” I expect they’ll later eat dinner on Ocean Plateau and then take a ride back in the Boat Train.

He’s going to force her to repel down the mountain to get lunch. Yay! Testing! And probably fears. Sean blathers about how this relates to relationships. SPOILER ALERT: they get to the bottom and go on about how they conquered it together and blah blah blah.

For some reason this date with Dez isn’t as hot as the last one, where she was in a bikini:

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Here’s a hint, guys: Don’t take your dates to the fucking tundra.

She gives him some tongue.

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This guy plays more hockey than Gretzky.

Sean: “I just thought this was such a rewarding day for her.” How paternal you are, sir. They climb trees.

Kellogg’s “Crunch” sounds like it’s voiced by Albert Brooks. (Shut your eyes and imagine Nemo’s dad next time it’s on.)

Red Lobster took seafood out onto the street and gave it to strangers. Surprisingly, people liked free food.

Night. They walk into a giant teepee in the woods. Desiree spends like five minutes talking about how poor she was growing up. Notice a pattern where every time someone gets alone with Sean she tells him some sad story from her past?

Sean gives her the rose. Time for more smooches.

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Night time, exterior shots…the bokka-bow-ka-bokka music tells us intrigue is afoot, so it’s cocktail party time.

Sean tells the women he doubted himself last week, but now that he’s drowning in other people’s saliva he believes again.

Selma’s time with Sean. She voiceovers she feels bad not jumping in the lake, because she didn’t “put herself out there for him.”

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Oh, I’d say she’s putting herself out there.

They splice together a horrible frankensound clip where she says she didn’t kiss him because OF HER CULTURE. Also, she said her mom would literally die if she did. She tells him to hold still.

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Aaaand she kills her mom. Nice going.

Selma confessionals: “To kiss someone on national television is a huge shame—to my family. But, mama, please forgive me. It was necessary.” She can’t hear you because SHE IS DEAD. “I had to bring out the big guns tonight.”

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Yup.

Lindsay’s time. She starts by saying “I promised myself I wouldn’t kiss you,” and I can’t decide if this is a genius strategy or lunacy. She tells him she sleeps naked. OK, leaning towards genius. He gives her some Sean Tongue.

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AshLee’s time. She goes into the being abandoned, and how she is a control freak. Then she gives him a scarf to blindfold her. OK, I’m down, but has she forgotten about Fifty Shades of Tramp?

So her idea is: he’s supposed to blindfold her because she’s totally afraid of that, and then he can either leave her or not, because that’s her biggest fear, because her parents never wanted her.

Yipes. I mean, my heart goes out to her, but this gal need therapy, not a man. Sean gives her some tongue therapy.

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I wonder if he tastes like “other women.”

Chris appears. Rose time! Sean says this is one of the toughest decisions he’s ever been forced to make. Drink!

There are three roses to be given out. Two women are going home tonight! (Really, though, or is this a head-fake since they sent Sarah home early?)

Chris addresses the thong throng. “What a week it’s been here in Lake Louise.” Yah, I mean, Jeez Louise, amirite? “In Montana there was drama, Sean was frustrated. Not good.” Don’t anger your master! “This week, you’ve all really put yourself out there, and Sean’s noticed.” The great and mighty Sean is pleased with your offerings so far, but requires more tongue kissings.

Catherine, Lesley, and Desiree are safe.

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I think it’s fair to say these three are safe until the very end.

Chris points out there are three roses and five women without them, and does the math.

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I’m still guessing Sean will ask for an extra rose at the last minute. Because, he wants to send Daniella home, but who else? I guess he could dump Selma, since she’s probably a Muslim and he probably can’t handle that. At any rate, we know Tierra will get the very last rose, because the producers want to toy with us.

Sean comes out. He whines more about last week. “This decision is by far the toughest decision I’ve made thus far.” Drink. “My wife might well be among you.” Drink.

"Lindsay." She played it right. "Of course."

"AshLee." Ugh, she’s too uptight even for me, and that’s saying something. "I will, thank you."

FINAL ROSE.

"Tierra." Oh Sean you’re so damn stupid. CALL ME, SELMA. "Yesss."

"Selma, Daniella, sorry. Take a moment and say your goodbyes."

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Selma’s pretty controlled in defeat. She’s not too angry or too hurt. She should probably call me. I bet she’s mad she killed her mom for Sean now. She says she thinks Tierra isn’t the right woman for Sean, but he’ll figure that out. Also, she might want to call me.

Daniella is crying. She says she’s shocked, which seems strange since he never took her on a date. She says she’s “keeping a straight face, but obviously I’m hurt” but she’s also crying when she says that so she has a different definition of “straight face” from me, or, like, the dictionary. “I’m just, like, over having a broken heart.” She’s OVER it, ya’ll.

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Sean toasts his remaining harem by saying he had a moment of clarity, and just knew “you six are the six for me.” God, is that something anyone ever says? I guess now it is.

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He tells the women to pack their bikinis (and not just leave them in a lodge in Banff, I guess) because next week they’re going to St. Croix. I’m sad Selma won’t be going but then again she could call me and I could take her. I’ve dated Muslim women. And I’ve got money. I’m just sayyyyyyin’.

Final over-credits sequence is Sean talking about being four years old and peeing in a desk drawer for shits and giggles. Well, for piss and giggles.

The Bachelor, Season 17 Week 5

"Tonight on The Bachelor" blah blah you know the drill. I think this will be my last season blogging about The Bachelor… I admit there are only so many jokes to be made about this show. So, let’s enjoy the rest of our limited time together, shall we?

Chris saunters into the mansion and addresses the eleven remaining women: “This week, things are getting a lot more serious.” Drink every time things get more serious, so we can all get more sauced-ious.

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This week there’s a group date (A.K.A. “catfight” in plain English), a one-on-one date (A.K.A. “mano-a-womano” in plain Spanish), and a two-on-one date (A.K.A. “ménage à trois” in plain French). Not mentioned: Medjool date, and Date, Fukushima. Maybe next week!

The women groan at the two-on-one date. “Two of you will go out on a date with Sean—but only one of you will return.” So it’s kind of like Thunderdome, except even less likely to actually happen in the real world.

Incidentally, how great would it be if Tina Turner actually had a reality show based on Thunderdome? I’d watch that. “You have failed the challenge, so you must face…Master Blaster.”

Chris announces they’re all “embarking on a worldwide journey to find love with Sean—and that journey starts today.” And it starts…in Montana! The casting couch gal is delirious.

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The girls all smile and clap and hoot. Montana! So glamorous. Shit, it’s been my lifelong dream to go there, but I’ve never had the like forty bucks in gas money. Lucky gals! This is way better than fucking lame-o France or Italy or some other Old World shit.

Sean voiceovers he thinks Montana is gorgeous. He says he likes “to camp and canoe, and so Montana is definitely going to test some of the women.” Ah, there it is, the testing. Testing, humiliation, and exploiting fears are the trifecta upon which every lasting relationship is built. In Bartertown.

The ladies arrive in Whitefish.

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"WooooooooOOoo!" they all yell, and this is probably the first time anyone has ever "woo"-ed about arriving in Whitefish without being at least six Old Milwaukees in. Wait, that’s not fair: they probably are drunk.

Daniella says, “I have never been to Montana I get to see my boyfriend YAY!” without any pauses. Your “boyfriend?” Catherine makes a heart with her arms.

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She’s perky! $50 says she was on the cheer squad in high school. Wait, I’ll just text my friend. “Hey was Catherine a cheerleader in high school?” Waiting…

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Hatchet-face says she’s excited to see Sean and then hilariously they leave in a bit where she bats ineffectively at a fly in front of her. There was no reason not to cut that or use a different take except to make her look more foolish.

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I approve. Grr, stupid Hatchet-face.

They arrive at a lodge. Which one, I don’t know. If only this place had paid some money to the producers to get their name featured.

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Selma reads the date card. It’s for Lindsay the substitute teacher.

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"Lindsay: Let love soar!" Let’s see, that suggests a date that is neither humiliating nor particularly testing, so I’ll wager another $50 that Lindsay has a fear of flying. (Not a euphemism for sex—in this one instance.)

As a side note, I’m only now catching up to where I was an hour ago when I tried to save a draft of this post to tumblr and it decided to throw an error screen and delete all my progress. Thank you, tumblr! Your famous stability has once again made my night. I’ve now spent two hours recapping the first four minutes and thirty seconds of The Bachelor—a wise investment of time that will no doubt pay enormous dividends when I am cast as the snarky yet lovable Bachelor sidekick for next season.

Lindsay squirts a little at the thought of seeing Sean. He walks her out to…a helicopter! Oh, helicopter, our old friend. We’ve missed you so. Where have you been, buddy?

Lindsay is unsure what it is.

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Yup, she’s an American teacher.

The producers usher the women out to the porch to wave at what is clearly a completely different helicopter—it’s an old red Bell, not the sleek black one.

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Let’s zoom in on that.

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See, this is why you need to color-match in post.

They fly to Glacier National Park.  Lindsay confessionals, “I’ve never felt so close to anyone before in such a little amount of time.” This is the effect of keeping the women constantly stimulated—it keeps them pumped with dopamine, convincing them they’re madly in love. Keep throwing new stuff at them and eventually they’d fall in love with an anteater.

Time for Sean tongue!

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Ah, tongue, our old friend. Where you been, buddy? Did you see helicopter was here earlier?

Geico ad. Are slinkies on escalators really happy? Or just discouraged? It seems a sad, Sisyphean task.

Windows Phone was designed for everybody! Everybody who likes not being able to tell their icons apart.

Night. Sean confessionals, “Tonight I want to sit down and see if we can go a little bit deeper.” Hmm, I’d recommend doggy for that, not sitting.

Sean and Lindsay seem to be on the same level (i.e. “very sincere”). That’s good. She tells him about her daddy issues. Score! You’re set, Sean—as long as you never show her any sign of weakness, because gals with daddy issues hate that shit.

Meanwhile, back at the lodge, a knock is heard. Date card? Yes! And it’s delivered by another old friend:

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It’s Perambulatory Coffee Table! We haven’t seen you in forever, buddy. Did they only pick up your contract for the away dates this season?

Oh, man, I’ve missed that coffee table. It raises the average IQ of this show by quite a bit.

"You make my heart race…" They’re going go-karting, maybe? Doesn’t seem humiliating enough. "Selma, me, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Leslie, Robyn, Daniella."

Tierra and Jackie are left over to face off on the last date. Tierra is happy with this result, as she’s probably aware that Jackie’s basically been a non-entity up til now, plus Tierra’s face is already half off anyhow. Because of her hatchet wound.

MEANWHILE, Sean gives the date rose to Lindsay. Surprisenot. Time for more smooches. ¡Muchas smooches!

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Sean tells her he might have one more surprise for her. “What?” she says. I’m guessing hot tub. I wish gals were this excited to get into my hot tub, where I could trot it out like it’s a super-special treat for them. “Guess what? You get to…get half-naked and wet in front of me! YOU LUCKY GAL!”

Oh, no, wait, it’s the “entire town of Whitefish” (about 150 people?) showing up to a private concert with “Sarah Darling” (who?).

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Did the demo studies on The Bachelor reveal that all their viewers love country music, or are country singers just unusually willing to whore themselves out for private concerts on reality TV shows?

At any rate, Sarah Darling looks a lot like a better-looking Lindsay, which is pretty confusing, except Sarah has a microphone attached to her mouth.

"Coming up!" We see a gal being hauled off in a body bag or something. I’m betting this is going to be a lot less dramatic than it seems.

Embassy Suites ad, starring pseudo-Kevin Spacey without the Foghorn Leghorn accent he does in House of Cards. Also, Capital One has double miles and gravelly-voiced Alec Baldwin.

Group date. Selma jumps up on Sean and wraps her legs around him. Wonder how her mom’s heart is holding out.

It’s goats! This seems like a great opportunity for some humiliations.

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Chris the host is here, and tells them they’ll be participating in a relay race, one stage of which is to milk a goat and drink the milk. Yah. You swallow that yummy warm white stuff. Gulp it all down, you dirty girl. You like that.

Desiree says, “I will down goat’s milk to get more time with Sean.” Oh yah, she’s D.T.G.

The gals are divided into teams and don team flannel shirts. You know the drill: losers go home. Lesley the hot nerd-hater says, “I’m going to chug that goat milk like it’s my job.” Related: Lesley, I may have a position open in my company for you.

Sarah’s participating in the relay race: “I don’t think having one arm is going to hold me back today.” Well, yah, it’s hard to hold anything back with only one arm.

Selma is miming how one might milk a goat, and the gals all laugh at how much it looks like giving a hand-job. Meanwhile, back in Iraq, her mother is declared officially dead.

The girls jump into canoes to start. They are absolutely abysmal canoers. Next, they buck hay. What the buck? Then, cross-cut.

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The drama!

Now for the critical goat-milking component. Desiree chugs the milk like a champ.

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Sean says, “You took it like a champ.” See, i told you. (There’s really no other way to finish congratulating someone on guzzling.) I guess as far as wife tryouts go this isn’t the least relevant activity. Desiree says, “The goat’s milk was warm. And it came out my nose.”

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Yup, that’s a “it came out my nose” face. (I don’t even have to bother writing jokes, sometimes.)

As is traditional, Sean has a champagne toast with the winning team while the losing team is loaded into the losers’ van to go home. Because: classy.

This pig flies and uses an iPhone to pay his Geico bill. I have a new invention for you—I call it “auto-pay,” except it’s not new, and every insurance company has it. That’ll do, pig.

Sean confessionals that his heart was sinking sending the blue team home, because, like, a bunch of the girls he wants to tongue were on that team. So, “Ima have to bend the rules a little bit.”

Back at the lodge, Chris shows up. Tense music! Chris has a date card for the blue team, inviting them back to the date in progress. Chris explains that maybe picking who gets dates via slurping goat milk isn’t the best way to find a wife. Gosh, you think? NOWAI.

MEANWHILE, back on the date, Sean toasts the winning gals, then tells them he’s invited the blue team to join them. They’re ecstaticnot!

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Desiree confessionals that she’s mad her chugging was wasted. Robyn is too. Also, Sarah. Shocker.

Meanwhile, Daniella the casting couch joke from the loser team says, “The girls are going to literally die when we show up.” Just as Selma’s mom would literally die if she were to kiss on TV? I guess maybe the bodybag they keep previewing could be filled with gals literally dying of shock.

Tierra Hatchet-face (no relation to Terry Hatcher) is also pissed “the losers” get to spend time with Sean, even though she wasn’t even on this date…so she needs to go find Sean to see where his head is at. Because that makes perfect sense. Ugh. Selma’s from the winning team and is also pissed, so at this point pretty much everyone not on the blue team or named “Sean” is mad.

This is a bit of a slam for the gals who lost the volleyball challenge. They didn’t get called back. On the other hand, they weren’t as hot as Lesley and Catherine.

Sean confessionals, “A lumberjack challenge cannot determine who I spend time with.” Yah, it makes a farce of this whole substantial process!

MEANWHILE, Tierra has decided to join the date with the red and blue teams as well, for no reason other than that she’s an insufferable b.

Disney: Also for childless couples who fucking hate themselves enough to go be around a billion other people’s screaming fat kids.

Recap of Tierra sneaking into Sean’s date (see left side of frame).

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Sean hugs her. She takes him outside. She berates him. “What the heck, why am I getting a two-on-one?” (The one she was ecstatic about getting earlier.) “It felt like a huge slap in the face.” You know what else feels like a huge slap in the face? A huge slap in the face. Sean?

Sean kisses her goobye, but no tongue. That’s a bad sign for old McHatchet.

Desiree uses all her alone time with Sean to complain that she was the chugging champion. AshLee interrupts her, and confessionals to us that she thinks Sean called them back just for her. Sure! If you ignore the other two girls he likes even better.

MEANWHILE back at the lodge, the final date card arrives. “Tierra and Jackie: Love is a wild ride.” Also, a note from Chris: “Two women, one rose. One stays, one goes.” Bust a deal, face the wheel!

Back on the date, Sean goes off with Catherine. “Catherine is someone that I just want to cuddle with.” Me too, except I actually think he means “cuddle” there. He’s so sincere! Catherine is showing a lot of smarts: she doesn’t get much air time because she’s not generating any drama, and every time she’s with Sean she maintains eye contact and smiles her cute head off. This turns out to be a great way to win a guy over!

Daniella the casting couch gal goes to get her one-on-one time and sees Catherine sitting on Sean’s lap. She voiceovers it feels weird. Yup. This is the exact moment it got weird to date a guy who’s dating ten other woman.

She complains to Desiree. “They’re, like, sitting on each other’s laps.” Wait, are they taking turns? Daniella continues, “It felt like, ‘Would you get off of her lap?’” Because she can’t breathe? Even Desiree catches it: “You mean, she was on his lap.”

Sean finally invites Daniella away. Daniella is crying by now. Sean sits her down: “There’s a couch in here.” Luckily, Daniella already knows her way around a couch. Crying is a dangerous gambit: you might get the rose, you might get sent home for being pouty.

Sean gives her some Sean tongue.

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That’ll sort her out!

Date rose time. Sean assembles the women, and gives the date rose to Daniella, for showing him “a different side of her” by crying. Remember when Tierra pulled this stunt last episode and also got the rose? I think the gals have his number now. Next week is going to be 100% crying women.

Oh, I see, the body-bag thing is going to be in a separate episode, airing the night after this one. Sweet god, this thing is going to be padded out. Three damn hours this week. That’s more than any human should have to endure.

This Capital One ad where Alec Baldwin is riding a luggage conveyer in the middle of a golf course makes no sense to me.

It’s the day of the two-on-one. Hatchet-face confessionals that she’s a horrible person and will die alone with a giant dent in her forehead. Essentially.

They go horseback riding, as required in the bylaws of The Bachelor. Sean rides with Tierra, while Jackie’s horse lags behind. Jackie confessionals that she needs to tell Sean some things about Tierra. ARGH NO STOP. Never works.

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Jackie’s alone time with Sean: “I would hate for you to fall in love with somebody who is not their true self.” Subtle so far. “I’m not one way with the girls and another way with you.” More obvious. Sean asks, “Are you implying there are girls who are?”

Jackie: “No, no.” But she goes on, “Obviously, Tierra has been…” ARGH STOP this never works you are getting sent home. Jackie tells Sean that Tierra flirted with a cute guy at the airport. OH. MAH. GOD. If only public stonings were still legal! Can you imagine dating someone who was flirting with other people? That would be horrible.

Jackie confessionals, “I think I definitely opened up with him.” Shit, I don’t have a drink. Sean gives her some tongue.

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This show should be sponsored by Valtrex™.

Glade: if your husband comes home from his trip early, your house won’t be full of your stank. Here’s another idea: don’t let shit rot in your house.

Night of the two-on-one. Jackie is trash-confessionalling Tierra. It’s hard to enjoy because we know Tierra is staying, since she’s too horrible to cut, and we lost the other villain last show.

It’s time for the most awkward dinner ever, another staple of this show.

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He invites Tierra to spend one-on-one time without any of them having touched their food. Argh that makes me nuts. Eat your goddam dinners. There are starving children on other TV shows.

The producers love Tierra. She’s had more confessional time than all the other women combined. She says she suspects Jackie talked crap about her. “People like that try to make themselves look better when it only turns around and bites them in the butt.” DAT NOT ENGLISH.

Tierra tells Sean: “I get scared because I have the biggest heart.” Get that looked at! Cardiomegaly can be serious.

Tierra tells Sean she dated a junkie who died. “The hardest part of losing him was I lost my best friend.” This confession would not endear her to me. People who invite trouble into their lives always have trouble in their lives. It’s axiomatic.

They return to the table. Sean grabs the rose. He addresses each woman. Jackie’s a slow starter. Tierra had an instant connection but hasn’t been a smooth ride. He gives the rose to Tierra, of course, because FUCK YOU viewers, that’s why.

Sean confessionals that it’s a shame he doesn’t have strong romantic feelings for Jackie. Yah, it really is. Jackie cries on the ride home. Sean snuggles with Tierra Ughface. Fireworks go off overhead, which all the other women can see from the lodge, because FUCK YOU women.

It looks like maybe it’s Tierra who gets hypothermia next episode. She’s a fucking disaster magnet.

Rose ceremony night. I’m betting ahead of time Tierra steals Sean’s time despite already having a rose. C’mon. $50? Anyone?

Sean wanders off with Desiree.

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Desiree’s cleavage tonight is brought to you by WonderBra™. “WonderBra: No guy can tell if you have big boobs or are just mashing those puppies together.”

Desiree confessionals that it seems Sean gives roses to the girls who are having a hard time. What’d I tell you? He’s generating the drama. We’ve all learned a valuable lesson in market-driven economies.

Sean tells “Dez” she doesn’t need a rose, which I take to mean, “Look, you wrapped your legs around me in a hot tub, you’re golden.” Sean asks if him keeping Tierra bugged Desiree. Entrapment! She ducks the question. Good girl. Now just smile and kiss him. Take a page from Catherine’s book. Sadly, she takes the bait and dishes on Tierra. Sean immediately confessionals he’s now having doubts about Desiree. SEE?

More Tierra confessionals: “I seriously want to punch everyone in that room.” The producers are going to be so sad when she’s gone. The girls bond over how much they hate Tierra. Tierra: “I honestly wish I was a fighter. I honestly do. Because I would beat the BLEEP out of these bitches.” Oh, you can say bitch but not shit? I’m calling sexism, ABC.

Robyn decides to walk over and talk to Tierra, because that worked so well last episode, with their fauxpologies. Robyn tells Tierra she’s sullen until the cameras are on. Lesley agrees. Lesley’s here? Tierra reacts like a cornered animal: “I’m going to lay it out for you all.” Suddenly we see a reaction shot with Catherine. Catherine’s here?

Tierra spews a bunch of stuff that doesn’t make sense, about how everyone is mean to her, basically. “If I want to go get engaged, I could get engaged. There are plenty of BEEP guys!” Catherine and Lesley show that they can out-ice her any day.

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I’m starting to really love them, god damn it.

Back to the big Tierra melt-down. “I am like so over this! I don’t even care.” Those two sentences are unique in that everyone who has ever uttered them is lying. Catherine and Lesley decide to get a drink and flounce off. Awesome.

IN A TOTAL COINCIDENCE NOT AT ALL SET UP BY THE PRODUCERS, Sean walks through the room while Tierra is still laying into Robyn. Uh-oh! Too bad you gave crazy a rose! Never promise crazy a rose. Sean paces in front of the fireplace conspicuously.

So he asks Tierra for some alone time. “I can tell she is visibly upset.” Yup, that’s the definition of “visible,” all right. Tierra tells him how ALL the girls are attacking her. “I’m not a drama person, at all.” Hee hee, that’s a third one—always a lie. “It’s just FUSStrating for me because I am such a nice girl,” and what the hell does she base that on?

Sean says he doesn’t want to be naive. “If there’s something I don’t know, I feel like someone should say something.” You mean, besides Kacie B, who you sent home, and Jackie, who you sent home? Hrm.

Sean gets alone time with Lesley (hot hot hot wait no she hates nerds must stop) and asks her about Tierra. This can only end well! Sean: “They say things like, ‘Tierra is not here for the right reasons.’” Lesley tells him Tierra is cold around all the women. Oh, Lesley, don’t fall for it. Smile and kiss. Smile and kiss!

Rose ceremony time.

OK, they’re going to waste four minutes before the rose ceremony to pad this sucker out until the final commercial break. So, uh, we’re left with the non-Tierra girls talking on the couches. They’re all hoping Tierra gets sent home somehow.

Sean and Chris chat. Weird night, brah. Yah, brah. Chicks! Fuckin’ chicks.

Sean complains about women who “want to spend their time talking about other women.” Told you told you told you. Sean says he likes Tierra, but he wishes they could move past the drama. “If it doesn’t affect me directly, then why are we wasting time talking about Tierra.”

Wow. The depth of arrogance in this statement. Look, I’m looking for my best friend and my wife, but I seriously don’t care if you bitches are all miserable—does this affect my tongue-kissing any? No? Then why you all yak-yakking to me?

"If you’re goin to come to me and say something about Tierra at least have some supporting evidence." I’m not sure being a huge bitch leaves a lot of physical evidence, Sean. You’re looking for a smoking snatch, maybe?

Sean is doubting if his wife is still in the room. What a damn whiner. Catherine and Lesley are still in there, or even Desiree and Lindsay if he likes his girls hot but a bit dumber. Know what, Sean? Just for you, buddy, I’ll switch places with you, if you’re so “discouraged.”

Is your teenage daughter slipping away from you? Buy her off with Disney parks! Teenagers are never sullen on trips. Ever.

Chris scolds the assembled women for being such harridans. Why do harems always got to fight?

Tierra Ugh, Daniella, and Lindsay all have roses. Here’s Sean.

Hi everyone I’m Sean and I’m a big dumb man dur dur dur this week was hard some of us went backwards this week because you have emotions and that’s icky.

"Selma." Virgins are hot. "Yesssss."

"Catherine." Told you told you told you. "-breath sound-"

"Lesley." Must not fall in love with her. She hates my people. "I will. Thank you so much!"

Pause. Drama!

"AshLee." Our feelings are mmm-orphan into something real. "Thank you."

"Sarah." She won’t go away empty-handed. "Of course, thank you."

ONE MOTHERFUCKING ROSE LEFT. Robyn vs. Desiree. I think we all know which one of them wrapped her legs around him in a hot tub.

"Dez." Damn it’s painful to always be right. Ouch. "Of course!"

Chris comes back. “Robyn, I’m sorry. Take a moment, say your goodbyes.” Say goodbye to all of this. “Goodbye all of this!

The girls hug and kiss her. She’s great. Sean walks her out, and I’m dying to hear his explanation. “You’re awesome, but it turns out I like huge bitches. So, there it is. Anyhow, peace.”

Actually all he says is, “Best of luck, OK.” Yup. Touching.

Robyn confessionals she’s bitter about him choosing Tierra. Well, duh. She cries a little, but she leaves with our respect and able to date any guy she wants.

Sean stands outside looking mopey and voiceovers he’s questioning everything. Chris voices over: “Don’t forget the drama continues tomorrow night, but first here’s a special sneak peek at the rest of this season of The Bachelor" and they add a huge ton of padding.

Pristiq may help you with depression or it may fucking kill you. Ask your doctor!

After the final commercials we see outtakes of Sean trying to chop wood. I’m not surprised he sucks at it, but I am surprised he has his shirt on.

The Bachelor: Season 17, Week 4

Tonight on The Bachelor: I skip the previews yet can’t help but notice someone who looks like Kacie B. crying, which would be odd since she was taken out and shot last time.

At the mansion, host Chris tells the assembled ladies that there are 13 of them (math is hard!) and “it seems like everything is going very very well here.” Also that Sean “sees his wife sitting in this room,” which I still find a creepy expression.

And since the show’s just starting, it’s time for our weekly…

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SEAN TITTIES! Yaaaayyyyyywaitaminute no this sucks.

Sean confessionals, “This week I want to make sure that the girls trust me.” Yes, yes, come closer, my pretties. “I want them to know that I’m serious about this…”

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OH JESUS CHRIST SEAN BUTT what gods have I angered??

Back at the mansion, it’s date card time: “Selma: let’s turn up the heat.” This show loves cheezy puns and humiliating women so…I’m guessing they are going turnip picking?

Selma says, “I’m finally gonna get to open up to him; he’s finally going to get to see…the real me.” I’m wondering if the “real her” also has huge boobs, because I’m pretty sure Sean’s into that. Anyways, two clichés means two drinks, and I just realized I haven’t poured my Bachelor wine yet. BRB.

OK, glass #1 in hand, which is worth two in the bush, unless she’s really hot.

Selma continues, “And then I want to take it to the next level…[it’s like she’s trying to kill me with alcohol poisoning] And the next level and then have babies.” Never promise crazy a baby. Selma excuses herself to go get ready.

The other girls are crushed. Leslie the poker dealer is crying in her confessional. She obviously didn’t make any promises to herself vis-a-vis how quickly she’d start crying on this show. She wants Sean to see that she’s “here for the right reasons,” and this show officially needs new scriptwriters.

Sean comes to pick Selma up. Here’s how she got ready:

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Wow, how long did it take you to put that fetching ensemble together, Selma?

Sean voiceovers that Selma has told him “people are quick to judge her. She’s got a pretty face.” I’m pretty sure people are noticing her other features. Boobs—that’s what I’m getting at. Huge boobs.

Bluestar Jets has nicely provided a jet for them to fly someplace. Geez, that was sure awfully sweet of the fine folks at Bluestar Jets. Bless their generous hearts. Bluestar Jets.

Sean confessionals: “I’ll be interested to see what her face looks like when she realizes today is far from glamorous.” Oh, goodie, the humiliation. What date is complete without it? I’m still down for turnip picking.

They land in the middle of the desert. B-reel of rocks and hawks and lizards and shit, with the same old goddam red-tail hawk sound cue telling us it’s a remote location.

Selma confessionals, “You took the Iraqi to a desert.” Well, that kind of makes sense.

If you’re depressed, ask your doctor if Pristiq is right for you. Also, here’s a minute of stuff about how incredibly dangerous this fucking drug is. Do these guys pay for these ads? Or are they put up by competitors?

Back in the desert, they get into a Jeep™ Rubicon™. I’ve never understood why you’d name a vehicle that—is the idea once you get this Jeep™ you’re in it for good, mister? They roar off, and the sound editor takes a little license with the tire screech (they’re on gravel) and the engine noise (unless this is a magical, 12-cylinder Jeep™).

Still no hint where they are.

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"I picked this date today for Selma because I wanted to take this glamorous girl out of her element." Yah! Fuck her! And her stupid glamour! Who cares what she wants? Relationships are about forcing girls to do things they find uncomfortable.

They hike twenty feet. She complains a lot. He invites her to climb a rock. Because she hates heights and has told him she’s not athletic. Whee!

Sean is climbing right behind her in her little yoga pants and says, “You look cute in that helmet” because he really is the most sincere guy in the world. She actually outpaces him because in rock-climbing weighing nothing is a huge advantage, and also there are people pulling her up (see the top of this shot).

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Sean tells her, “You really impressed me today.” Operation Desert Whorin’ was a success. Mission accomplished.

Nighttime. Sean’s taking her to dinner…at an ugly, kitschy ’50s RV park. I dunno if this is a real thing? It seems like maybe it’s a tourist attraction. It’s too ugly to be something they just set up.

Sean confessionals, “I’m definitely getting the vibe she wants to kiss me, too.” Ya think?

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She tells him she was raised in a traditional Arabic family. She confessionals that if she kisses someone on national television, “My mom would literally have a heart attack.” And then shit her pants.

So she doesn’t! I am shocked. I still feel like I wouldn’t want to be carrying her mom’s life insurance policy, if Selma’s not supposed to be publicly dating at all and she’s, you know, doing it on national TV.

I’ve heard there was a virgin on The Bachelor this season; I guess it must be Selma. At this point I guess you’d expect me to make fun of a 29-year-old virgin, but, honestly, I dated one not too long ago and she was pretty normal. Well, OK, she was extremely hot but I mean “normal” as in not totally crazy.

Back at the mansion: Date card!

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This is how they dress when they’re flopping around the house by themselves? Dang, they could make a whole second show about guys who come and visit the house when Sean’s off with one of the girls. Oh, man, that’s a great idea. Imagine a reality show where there’s two dudes but they don’t know about each other, and they’re both dating the same stable of women? At the end they fight it out to see who gets to be with the top woman.

Hatchet-face confessionals she doesn’t want a group date, “I don’t need no chaperones anymore.” But what’s her feeling on stinking badges?

"Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, Ashley, Sarah, and… Tierra: I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches." I’m guessing they’re going to drink fruit punch and eat some dinner rolls?

Back on the date, Sean is petting Selma’s hair like she’s a 110-pound ferret. He says he wants to kiss her. She says, “I can’t kiss you, but I want to.” She tells him, “We’re not allowed to date, actually.” So, I anticipate this is going to be a problem.

Sean: “Her eyes are basically just asking me to kiss her. Huuuhhh. I don’t know what to do.” Ehhhhh, we’re getting into a dangerous area here. If her eyes say yes and her lips say no then maybe just play it safe and listen to her? I dunno, just spitballing here.

He gives Selma the rose. They hug. He kisses her forehead. Sean confessionals, “She could be the one.” Suddenly music starts up with actual lyrics and I wonder if there’s a group of owls nearby serenading them.

We see a long shot of a pile of marshmallows and I’m reminded that they haven’t actually had any dinner. Oh well! She weighs 110 pounds, it’s not like she needs the calories. MooooOOoo!

Geico again.

Nissan ad where a guy breaks up with his gas station attendant because his car is so efficient. It’s just kind of sad. The gas station attendant seems like a nice guy. I’d miss him.

Next morning. Girls are running out of the house to go on a group date. Lindsay the substitute teacher guesses their date is “getting into those hamster-ball things and rolling down a hill.” Give her points for creativity?

Sean confessionals about this date, “It’ll be interesting to see who rises to the challenge.” He’s at least trying to get us to think it’s boxing. Which makes me think it’s not. Also, they brought the one-arm girl. And even this show wouldn’t put her in a boxing ring.

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Oh, it’s roller derby. Hatchet-face confessionals, “I’m excited because I get to knock some biatches down.” Ah, she’s always good for a sound bite.

Amanda lies and tells everyone she’s roller derbied before so she could get into their heads. This can’t possibly blow up in her face! Unless it does.

Sarah (one arm) cryfessionals that roller derby is hard when you don’t have two arms to balance you.

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This does seem a bit cruel. Like: all the gals have elbow pads on both arms except Sarah. If she falls, she catches herself with her raw arm stub. Fucking ouch. AshLee appears to be a real sweetie and is trying to pep Sarah up.

Sean confessionals that he feels bad for Sarah, but he feels like he should encourage her to do it. This is getting a bit paternalistic. Maybe don’t drag her into doing things that aren’t safe given her physiology? Like, let’s see Sean squeeze a baby through his dick-hole. C’mon! Don’t let your body define you!

Sean tells her he doesn’t care if she plays or not—she can just hang out with him. Seems like this would be the right move for her? I’m reminded of a time in 11th-grade physical education when the coach was all, “OK, you can each play either basketball or badminton today.” All of the girls picked badminton, and all the boys picked basketball except me. I’m thinking: I suck at basketball, I’m good at racquet sports, and I like girls.

So this cool black guy in my class is all, “Ohhh, look at you, playing with the giiiirrrrls.” Up until that point in my life I’d always been a shy kid and afraid of anyone mocking me, and I’d been picked on a lot for not being macho. But 11th grade was the year I grew into myself a bit, and I said, “Hey, you going to tease me or are you going to join me and all the girls?”

And he joined us. He and I were pals for years.

ANYhow, Amanda is bragging how great she is at skating (the other girls agree) but then she hits the ground hard. On her face. Someone voiceovers she might have broken her chin. Yah, uh, I don’t think she’d be, like, so calm?

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Five-Hour Energy ad with a douche trying to be funny talking about all the things he’s done, except he’s a douche so it’s not funny. I’ve read about this company and they’re making billions; I don’t understand why they can’t manage to come up with an ad that’s not completely full of douches. When their first ad campaign was out I actually joined a Facebook group called, “I’d like a to punch the Five-Hour Energy guy in his smug face.”

They keep saying it might be broken. Oh, yes, I’m SO SURE. They’re TOTALLY not doing this for effect. AshLee says, “If the girl that knows what she’s doing is getting injured, what about the rest of us?” Well, the rest of you should probably be wearing chin guards, but that would make you less pretty so the producers decided not to do that. There’s a price for beauty, ladies!

Sarah confessionals, “This is crazy…it’s not worth the risk of almost getting hurt.” I mean, damn, do you know the consequences of something bad almost happening? Well, OK, they’re the same as if it didn’t happen, but still.

Amanda is driven to the hospital by a PA, holding a cold pack on her chin.

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Yup, that’s exactly what happens when you break your jaw.

Sean wusses out and tells the girls they should just free-skate. Yah, you didn’t think roller derby was a real sport, did you, producers? Now you’re like, shit, this is like we’ve asked them all to learn ski-jumping in an afternoon. Someone’s going to get their face mashed in and we’re going to get our asses sued off.

So they skate around in circles. Then they get dressed for dinner. Sean leads them like a bunch of ducklings.

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"Yah, dis my harem."

 They go to dinner somewhere. Not sure where?

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Sean says he thinks “the girls weren’t prepared for the physicality of roller derby.” Geez, Sean, way to be passive-agressive. Hey, why don’t you go race motorcycles? Oh, wait, because it’s dangerous as hell if you haven’t practiced.

Ad for Carnival Cruises. Ever notice how much it SUCKS to go to the beach? Ugh. Stupid sand castles. Why not stuff your fucking fat face on a plague ship? Multiple-resistant staph infection awaits!

Embassy Suites ad with the guy who looks like Kaiser Söze who likes more of everything.

Sean asks Sarah for some individual time. He talks more about her being one-armed. But now she’s making out like a bandit.

Bitch-nose confessionals she hates group dates, and wants the date rose. Wha? Everything she says is so original.

Amanda shows back up. I guess her jaw was not broken, you guys! Phew, I was really scared. Amanda admits she wasn’t hurt too badly but loves the “sympathy card. I play dirty. I will milk the heck out of this.” No way! Isn’t that going to interfere with her making friends? Wait… is she not here to make friends?

MEANWHILE, back at the mansion, a date card arrives. Desiree reads it.

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"Leslie H. [Poker Dealer]: Could this be forever?" (a) No, it can’t, and (b) they’re going to get frozen in a time capsule together?

The date card came with a pair of earrings. Looking at the above picture, I’m not sure where Desiree had them stashed? Leslie H. says, “This is like Pretty Woman!” Because it’s always been her dream to be a whore. And now, through the magic of television, it’s come true.

Back on the date, Tierra (hatchet-face) throws a mini shit-fit because Robyn (the cool one) doesn’t mention her being on one of the teams. Tierra’s got issues like magazines used to before they were all destroyed by the web. Tierra voiceover: “It’s just so FUSTRATING for me,” because English is a language that takes years to master. Longer if you’ve taken a hatchet-blow to your face.

Poor Sarah has been assigned to talk to Tierra so we can listen to some more crazy. Tierra says, she’s “bout to walk out of here,” because it’s 2013 and nobody has ever threatened to rage-quit before.

AshLee sits down next to Tierra (oh god these names, they hurt me—were their moms like, “I sure hope my little girl grows up to be a stripper!”), and Tierra says she doesn’t trust anyone and stomps off. She goes to a nearby PA: “Can I leave? I don’t want to be here.”

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See, maybe if you hadn’t been a huge bitch to all the other girls, you wouldn’t be so unhappy. We’ve come to the crux of the problem with the whole, “I’m only here to win!” thing, which is that fundamentally we’re social creatures and we need the acceptance of those around us. Obviously she’s not going to get Sean if she leaves, so her whole strategy is clearly bankrupt. Yet it happens year after year: “I’m not here to make friends!” Maybe you should be? Those last forever. Bachelor relationships last months, maybe.

She stomps off to find Sean. You can’t have a good rage-quit unless you tell everyone how you’re about to quit and give them a chance to beg you to stay. “Where’s Sean?”

Cut to:

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Sean’s sharing his saliva with another lucky gal? I mean, who knows if this is really what was happening that moment, but it’s a good image.

Tierra tells a producer (on her way to Sean?) “I deserve so much more than this…Why should I be tortured every day and be uneasy? Why?” I don’t know where to start with her. It’s like the hatchet she took to her face knocked all the empathy out of her. If you’re nothing but mean to people and you can’t figure out why they’re not nicer to you, it may be time to invest in a lot of therapy instead of being on reality TV.

Cut to: All the remaining girls talking about how psycho Tierra is. They’ll miss having a common enemy when she’s gone.

Cut to: Tierra saying how fake everyone is. No, I don’t think they’re fake, they just hate you. That’s real.

Cut to: The gal Sean is with (the substitute teacher?) asking if he wants to go hot tubbing. I can tell you from experience that hot tubbing is often a gateway to touching boobies.

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Then: in the biggest set-up ever, they have Tierra waiting in Sean’s path to the hot tub with his gal (Tierra is in the dark area to the right of the screenshot). I mean, seriously, we’re supposed to believe Tierra just figured out where he’d go, and the cameras just happened to be set up perfectly there? Nah. I don’t think so.

Tierra calls Sean and takes him off to cry at him. This is WAY better than making out in a hot tub. Oh yes. Tierra explains how she’s a delicate flower and this is too hard for her.

Sean plays it cool. He tells her if she hasn’t had “that moment” where she knows she wants him, then of course she should leave. Snap! He’s turned it around. Now it’s on her to ask to stay. She’s smiling now, and explains she just wants time with him. He gets up and says, “I’ll be right back.”

Oh christ dammit he’s going to give the date rose. You know what happens when you reward people for threatening to rage-quit? You get more of that shit. You’re digging your own damn grave here, Sean. Tierra waits for him and smirks, knowing her gambit has worked.

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Sean grabs the rose from in front of all the other women and they’re all shocked. He confessionals that he really likes Tierra. Ugh. Christ god men are stupid. He offers her the rose, she accepts. I want to die.

With the Galaxy Note 2, you can do two things at once! I don’t even know what that means. Like, it has two screens? I don’t have that many hands.

Next morning. Let’s try to blot out the memory of last night’s date, the way we would if we’d done something so shameful and horrible that there could not be any forgiveness, and all we could do was pretend that it never happened and by doing so we’d forget it.

It’s Poker Leslie’s date day. She loves her earrings! “I’ve never gotten jewelry from a boyfriend.” Yes, and you still haven’t, really. “Like, who gets diamond earrings on their first date?” Exactly. Nobody, because it’s crazy, which shouldn’t be a cause for celebration.

Sean arrives, they leave in an Aston Martin. Same one as last season? Who knows; I’m too lazy to research it. Pretty cars, but for the money their performance isn’t really that great. They drive off and we hear her say, “Holy moly Batman” for the second time (unless they’re just playing the same sound clip again).

Oh, he’s taking her on a dream shopping date. Sean confessionals, “Every woman talks about the movie Pretty Woman.” Every woman? Really? It’s funny because I think I’ve dated almost zero women who fantasize about being an actual whore with a rich daddy to buy clothes for them. I guess I’m just meeting all the wrong girls, dammit.

I admire how the producers can’t just have a date where they rip off Pretty Woman, but both Sean and Leslie must separately mention the movie. Because, you know, we wouldn’t get it if he just took her in a fancy sports car (note: original car was a Lotus) to Rodeo Drive and closed shops to buy her clothes. It’s not fun unless she’s a whore.

She goes shopping. We see lots of dresses.

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Squee! This is every girl’s fantasy!

Sean likes this dress. Leslie wiggles and says, “Winner winner chicken dinner.” I’m not making that up. I can’t decide if she’s lovably goofy or just really annoying. It’s like when I first saw Zooey Deschanel (who ended up being annoying).

She gets a purse and shoes, too! She’s so happy, she mentions Pretty Woman again. Hello! She. Was. A. Whore. Am I the only person who remembers this? Whore. You’re happy to be in the part of the whore. Come on. Aim a little higher. Couldn’t you dream of being a stripper? Maybe even a Hooter’s waitress?

Now they are at a jeweler’s. Sean puts a necklace on her with over a hundred carats of diamonds on it. They’re trying to make us think he’s buying it for her, and they’re not just lending it to her, because we’re stupid and we want to buy into this fantasy of someone sweeping us off our feet and taking care of us like we’re little girls.

Leslie confessionals that Sean could be her husband, because he’s everything she could ever wish for. Ring! Ring! Oh, hey, it’s the clue phone, let me get that. What? What’s that? Oh, Sean doesn’t actually own an Aston Martin? He can’t afford to buy gals diamond earrings on the first date? Or even afford that dress, much less that ridiculous necklace? So, pretty much everything you like about him is a farce? Huh.

Dinner. Sean confessionals, “This whole date has been set up to enhance the romance!” Uh, yah, Sean. I think that’s implicit in the concept of a “date.”

They talk. She seems pretty nice. More lovably goofy than annoying, I think. Sean’s sincere, as always.

Sean voiceovers that he just doesn’t feel the connection with her. Oops! Boot!

Back at the ho-tel the hoes are telling each other what they think Sean’s doing on the date. All producer-fed lines. “They’re obviously doing a Pretty Woman thing.” Did Pretty Woman just come out on Blu-ray or something? I can’t help but notice that Pretty Woman is from Touchstone—a division of Disney, just as ABC Television is. Hrm.

Back on the date, Sean is holding the rose and explaining to Leslie the romantic connection never clicked. It’s like Irving Mills always said, it don’t mean dick if it ain’t got that click.

Leslie of course feels horrible and awkward. He walks her to the limo and she warns him that some of the girls who have roses “are not here for the right reasons.” Hrm. Hard to decode that message. Let’s see, exactly two girls have roses so far: Selma and Tierra. Who could she be talking about? We’ll probably never know.

Seriously, how much hate must Tierra have engendered for a gal on her way out to essentially say, “By the way: Tierra is a huge bitch, byeeee.”

Sean walks back into the strange building where they were eating. He’s sad he couldn’t find the romance. “Vin Taylor was going to sing for us.” Oh, man, we’ve missed out on one of the music numbers from someone we’ve never heard of! Wait, no, Vin goes ahead and plays for… nobody? For just Sean? This must be a high point in his career.

We see him drop the rose on the ground, with its petals dramatically falling off.

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Such sorrow, to be dating only 14 or so chicks.

Carnival Cruise Lines ad featuring fat old people. Points for honesty?

Rose night. One of the girls says, “You can definitely sense that there are less girls in the room tonight.” Man, those are some keen powers of observation. Also: fewer.

Sean comes in hey ladies blah blah you’re all cute I cut Leslie’s ass and “there may come a point where you question decisions I make.” I don’t know what he’s getting at—I don’t think any of the girls are upset that he cut one of them.

Sean and AshLee alone time. He gives her some Sean Tongue™.

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Sean and Robyn time. Surprisingly, he slips her a little tongue. Oh yah.

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Desiree is telling the other girls how she wants to throw Tierra under the bus. As much as I’d like to see Tierra crushed by a bus, don’t do it! Remember Kacie B!

Tierra is complaining to Amanda (the other heavy) about how Robyn attacked her “for no reason” on the group date night. There’s no part of that statement that represents reality: she wasn’t attacked and there was reason.

Tierra actually says, “I’m not going to let anyone bash a hammer over my head.”

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OK, I don’t want to be mean (yes I do) but she already has a huge scar on her forehead. Check the above screenshot. So, at some point, yes she did.

Tierra flounces into the room occupied by the main girl gaggle: “Robyn, Jackie, can I talk to you for a minute?” This will end well. She nonpologizes to Robyn, with the I’m-sorry-I-got-upset-when-you-attacked-me approach plus “I’ve never not liked you, and kind of your bad for assuming.” She’s a bridge-builder!

She tells them she’s focusing on herself, and she wants everyone to do that. Yes, selfishness is the key!

Girls meet outside. They’re talking about Tierra, of course.

Tierra gets alone time with Sean. She tells him how hard it’s been since the last date. But she doesn’t want him to think she’s a “drama-setter”(?) because she “hates drama.” Clearly, yes. “But for some reason girls have a hard time accepting me for who I am.” Beep beep beep warning warning warning.

Catherine (from Seattle!) gets alone time with Sean. She gives him a piece of paper with her lip prints on it. And he takes it from up her dress. No, I’m not making this up. I’m just reporting. She’s a forward woman, OK? She tells him, “I’m so attracted to you.” Ah, yes, that would explain giving a man your lip-prints. Indeed.

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He gives her some tongue.

Chris tinks his glass. Rose time!

Tierra and Selma are safe. Nine roses to hand out. Here’s Sean! He says words. There were highs and lows this week! These feelings are so real! Blah blah blippity blah.

Catherine! She’s forward but pretty dang sweet. “I like you,” I think she says?

Dez. Still has a pet name for her. Good sign. “Of course.”

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Daniella the casting couch lady goes full McKayla Maroney,

"Lindsay." The substitute teacher who got totally cock-blocked at the Battle of Hot Tub. "Of course."

"Leslie." The smoking-hot nerd hater.

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We haven’t heard much from her this week, but all she has to do is sit back and be sexy and let the crazies flame out. “I will—thank you so much.”

"Robyn." We like her. "I will, thanks."

"AshLee." The foster child. Will he douse or fan the flames of her love? “I will, thank you.”

"Sarah." She’s gives him a disarming smile. Have I used that one? "Yes."

"Jackie." Redhead we’ve never heard of or seen. "Yes."

Chris tells us that the number of roses remaining is one.

"Daniella." Sean stumbles saying it. "Ohmygod" she says, so relieved. I can’t even hear what she says to him.

Chris tells the losers to say goodbyes. Amanda the 26-year-old fit model strides up and gives Sean her biggest, craziest smile. She confessionals she feels bad and stuff.

Sean toasts his remaining harem.

The outtakes this week are Sean on his first date trying to get the Jeep™ to burn out and stalling it six times in a row. Selma finally notices he’s left his brakes on. How long has he been driving?

The Bachelor: Season 17, Week 3

Previously on The Bachelor: Sean Lowe “met 25 stunning bachelorettes…and one familiar face.” Ouch, what a diss on Kacie B. Anyhow, we skip skip skip the reviews and previews. Wait, whoops, I’m watching week 2 again, not 3. Well, I skip this part regardless.

At this point I’d like to say that a friend of mine is, right this moment, attending a second night of inaugural balls with President Obama. And I’m at home watching The Bachelor on Hulu. Oh: but also my cats are meowing at me a lot. So there’s that.

We open with: Sean Titties! Again!

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Yay, this is much better than meeting the POTUS.

Chris Harrison recites the same week 3 speech he always gives to the women: “Use your time wisely. When you see him, make it the best.” I think that’s secret code for, “Give us some kisses or the show is boring.” He flips down the date card and goes back to his hotel for the week.

Leslie H. the poker dealer confessionals that’s she’d LOVE a one-on-one date. Bwaaah? That’s so unexpected. I wonder if they film all these cutaways before the season even starts. “Ok, we need some of you gals to say, ‘I would love a date with Sean.’ All right, now we need a few of ‘I’m starting to feel real feelings, and I’m realizing he’s dating twenty other women!’ Don’t worry about the number, we’ll dub it in later, our sound editing is totally awesome.”

Robyn says, “I want the date card to say, ‘Robyn…let’s ditch these bitches and go fall in love for real.” We like Robyn.

Date card says, “Leslie M. [hot nerd-hater] how long will this love last?” Duh. We all know the answer is, “Until the cameras are shut off.” She dresses up for the date:

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Can I just say I hate this style? That lace crap?  It’s like you’re wearing camo—I can’t see the curves of your body at all in that. C’mon Leslie. Step it up. It’s week 3, make every moment count. (Also, notably, once a gal came and visited me and wore a dress like this to dinner and I wasn’t really fond of it and told her and HOLY COW was I ever in trouble for the rest of the week. She was all, “Well, I don’t like YOUR SHOES,” and I’m all, “These are really nice Italian shoes!” and she’s all, “Whatever!” and then she told me about how her ex-boyfriend had the hugest penis ever and also I didn’t get any kisses. But we already know Leslie won’t be kissing me since I’M A HUGE NERD so: YOUR DRESS IS UGLY HAH HAH.)

Sean confessionals that he’s taking Leslie someplace cool, but the date’s going to start out seeming crummy, and he’s interested in seeing her reaction. Oh, man, that gag is so awesome! We should do that every fucking show!

So he takes her to the Guinness World Records place in Hollywood. It looks like a dump. She confessionals she’s disappointed. I’m surprised the Guinness folks let their place be used as the shitty decoy. I’d love to see how the producers negotiated that one.

Sean shows her that his dad has a Guinness record for driving across the contiguous US states in 97 hours. Wow. That, plus now he’s on The Bachelor. It’s like we have American royalty. 

Now they’re going to attempt to set the record for “longest on-screen kiss.” She actually turns bright red under her orange tan.

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Bless her heart. (Usually when a gal pulls her hair back and opens her mouth like this it means something else.)

Ad for discovering America on speedboats, except Hulu has some bug right now where my ads often get truncated and we jump back into the program. Which is A-OK with me.

OK, let’s skip most of this; it is going to be stupid. They have to kiss for 3 minutes, 16 seconds. Big whoop. I know a gal who once gave a dude a 30-minute blow job. That impresses me. Where’s her world record? Also, where’s her Nobel prize? Because we should be rewarding that shit.

Oh, damn, they have to air the entire thing or it doesn’t count, I guess. It’d be kind of awesome if they decided to just blow out the record and go 10 minutes. Anyhow, they kiss for a long time, in public.

Ad for Larry King, putting on lime-green suspenders. I don’t get it.

Night. They’re on the roof of some building, but who knows which one.

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Leslie says she was “kind of a nerd” in high school. Oh, I see, she’s a self-hating nerd. ”I took AP classes.” Wow, that’s super-nerdy!

They kiss. Man, I sure love to watch slurpy tongue kissing.

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You know this is being recorded, right, Sean? I mean, the girl you end up with is going to see this. He also said to her earlier, “You’re the only girl I want to set records with.” Yah, that’s going to lead to some nookie-less nights, buddy. (Try insulting her dress next!)

Back at the mansion, a date card arrives!

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I don’t remember who this gal is but she looks like Rebecca Gayheart and I’m OK with that. Is it the orphan? AshLee?

Selma confessionals, “I absolutely want a one-on-one date with him.” No fucking shit. Seriously? You’re not kidding? Damn. I had no clue!

"Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H., Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Tieran, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie, Tierra: Who’s going to win my heart?" I hope this means it’s decided by gladiator fights.

Back with Leslie on the date, Sean gives Leslie the rose. I typed that before it happened, but come on. I think we all knew ahead of time. He’s still saying blah blah fast feelings connect with someone quickly couldn’t have asked for a better day and jesus FINALLY he’s giving it to her. (The rose, pervert.)

"I got a rose. It’s the best feeling ever." Wow. I have a new invention for you, Leslie: it’s called ‘rose bushes.’ Google them, if that’s not too nerdy for you.

Really, though, if being one of 20 gals a dude is dating is the best feeling you’ve ever had, I sincerely hope the rest of your life is better than the first part.

Somebody dumps confetti on them from on top of the sign. Classy romance!

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Coming up: Bikinis!

Ad for Chicago Hope on Hulu. Never watched it, won’t start. Ad for Criterion collection, in black and white. I know I’m a movie heathen because I’ve seen exactly none of these films and have exactly no interest in correcting that.

Sean’s waiting on a beech for his beeches. I don’t want to jinx it, but I bet he’s gonna take his shirt off!

The girls strip down. They beg Sean to take his shirt off. NOWAI!

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YARLY!

Chris Harrison shows up.  The girls will be broken into two teams and play volleyball to finish the date with Sean! And the losing team will ALL BE GOING HOME! Oh, burn. Suddenly we’re in Glengarry Glen Ross.

Man, I hope Sean stocked this date with his b-list gals, because it’s up to chance who’s going home. (Also, here’s an advantage to having one arm: you don’t have to play beach volleyball to stay on the show.)

Volleyball…more volleyball…what can you say about volleyball? These gals are really bad at it. It would have been neat if they’d licensed some music and made a montage.

Lindsay the substitute teacher says, “I not only want more time with Sean, I need more time with Sean.” She’s taking the abuse-of-‘literally’ thing to a whole new level, baby.

One team loses. It’s stocked with gals I don’t recall ever seeing, so I think he did OK. Man, he’d be super-sad if he lost Kacie and Amanda (hot-tub gal).

Losers’ parade. Danielle the “commercial casting associate” (snicker) says, “It’s fusstrating” in a way that frustrates me. She makes the sad-girl duckface:

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Leslie H. the poker dealer cries in the cab home. “I’m scared I’m going to go home without him actually getting to know me.” Normally when people say they’re scared of something it’s not something that’s actually happening to them right that moment, but whatever. She also makes the sad-girl duckface:

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Duckface: it’s good for what ails ya.

It’s telling we don’t even get good-bye confessionals from the four other gals—we wouldn’t even know who they are. I feel like this game must have been rigged, because he just shed a ton of deadweight and lost none of the girls he likes, and he did it without looking like a bad guy at all.

Sean’s taking the winning girls to his house—they’re filming the first part of this season in Dallas. Apparently he lives in a mansion? Damn.

Desiree confessionals, “The other team is probably crying in their beds at home,” and, seriously, being ungracious in victory is not attractive:

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Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the losers arrive. OH! They’re not going HOME home, they’re just going back to the mansion. Well, geez. You could have been clearer about that. Daniella again mentions she’s ‘fustrated’ and I’m wondering if she lost her ‘R’s in the cracks of her casting couch. That’s always where shit ends up, amiright?

She also replays her duckface for us all, this time with a twist.

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McKayla Maroney she is not.

Two of the girls are crying. Someone call the waaambulance.

MEANWHILE, the meanwhiles are getting bigger back at Sean’s house. None of the girls have commented on the fact that he appears to live in a mansion. I’d think it’d be polite. Like, “Damn, nice house, Sean. What the fuck do you do for a living?”

He’s spending time with Lindsay the substitute teacher and she speaks like she has an IQ of maybe 90. Well, 85. Short words, simple sentences. Huge turn-off.

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I mean, for me. But Sean likes sticking his tongue down women’s throats.

Alone time with Amanda. She has strange front teeth:

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WTF? Those are really low. She’s like a beaver. “I think differently, than a lot of people? I don’t just think on the surface…and I enjoy life, I enjoy the beauty of life, and…that’s why I’m happy ever day!” I feel guilty for having been attracted to her last show. I blame bikini!

She kisses him.

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Watch out she doesn’t accidentally bite your tongue off!

At the maison des femmes. Date-card doorbell. Hatchet-face runs for the door. “AshLee… and Sarah!” A face-off, this early? No, she’s kidding, it’s just AshLee. Hah! “Do you believe in magic?” Oh, god, I hate theme dates so much. Are they going to the Magic Castle in LA? Haven’t they done that? No, I guess it was Top Chef that did that.

Sarah (the one armed bland-it) is all pissed off that Hatchet-face messed with her. “Wait, that was like, not cool.” Give her credit for wearing her heart on her sleeve! “Don’t ever read my name on a date card as a joke!” Those things are sacrosanct! And thus they continue to make Hatchet-face the villain.

MEANwhile, back on the date, Desiree asks the assembled gals, “So, what are you guys hoping for the night?” in a totally not-planted line that people on group dates would naturally ask each other. They catch the other villain mid-chew, so we can hate on her, too:

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Hah, hah! Look at her…all chewing, like a big chewy chewer! Gah, we hate her so much, with her chew-face. Finally she swallows and says, “I hope I get that rose.” Amanda asks, “And what are you going to do to get it,” and Chewy responds, “Whatever it takes.”

Oh man! It’s like she’s got her own personal screenwriter! Do you think she just came up with that, on the fly?

Oh, Chewy is Amanda the Fit Model. You’re fit but my gosh don’t you know it. She passive-aggressively comments that she thinks a lot of girls have a stronger connection to Sean than they actually do. Not sure how she’d know that, but whatever. She has her time with Sean and tells him what a great wife she’d make (that’s not creepy, but whatever). Amanda is supposed to be overhearing them and she passive aggressively comments that “some girls” are different when they’re with Sean than when they’re with a bunch of other girls competing for his affection.

No shit?

They show Amanda the Fit Chewer talking to the women saying how happy she is with how she presented herself to Sean and how she’s looking forward to getting a rose. Why would you tell the other women this? This woman is really out there.

Kacie sees this and wonders (for the camera) if she should tell Sean about the Amanda / Chewfit fighting, because he probably would find it unattractive. Yes, Kacie, BEING THE TATTLETALE ON THESE SHOWS ALWAYS WORKS. (PS: It never works.)

Kacie tells Sean, “I feel like I’ve been punched in the face…  I don’t feel like it’s my place [but I’m going to say it anyhow]… I’ve been caught between a rock and a hard spot.” OH MY GOD STOP WITH THE “I FEEL” SENTENCES KACIE FOR GOD’S SAKE.

"It’s between two girls…and…it’s between Desiree and Amanda." Either she’s the worst storyteller in the world or this is the worst editing in the world. She tells him that, like, Desiree is her friend, but she doesn’t like Amanda, and Desiree has confided in her, "but yet I don’t want there to be, there was just different dynamics between the two and I didn’t understand it at all. And I can’t be myself." Kacie is giving like the lamest tattle-tale ever. 

Sean looks genuinely uncomfortable. “Um…why are you saying something to me?” SCORE! YES! THANK YOU.

Kacie’s look could be described as “nonplussed:”

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Sean: “Both of them seem fine, and neither has said anything to me about it.” Kacie: “And I don’t want to be the person who does!” Hmmm. See, evidence has recently come to light that casts doubt on your testimony.

Man, this is not going well for her. OK, potential bachelorettes reading this, what have we learned? DO NOT BE THE SNITCH. Just let the other girls get distracted by fighting, while you’re having fun with the man. Kacie, you should know this! This isn’t your first hodeo.

Also, is she wearing a yellow plastic bag around her wrist?

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Is she taking her dog for a walk while she’s on this date? That’s optimizing your time!

Sean keeps making “um” and “uh” noises. Finally: “Why are you involving yourself?” Smack. “I want you to act like Kacie. Not like this crazy person that I’m seeing.” Double-smack!

Kacie confessionals, “My plan just doesn’t seem to be panning out the way I thought it would.” No, no, it’s going great! “You’re a crazy person” is the final step before getting that ring, sister!

Kacie doesn’t get a kiss. He walks her back.

Sean grabs the rose and natters on about “seeing other sides” of the women, which we know is code for “your asses in bikinis.” Finally: “Lindsay, will you accept this rose.”

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Ooop! Where’s Lindsay! She’s disappeared! I can’t see her! Oh, there she is! There’s Lindsay! Yes she is!

Kacie confessionals that she looks like a crazy person. I think she’s REALLY drunk, is the problem . Maybe that yellow plastic bag is an anti-drink ticket? The producers are like, “Whoa, we’re getting into liability issues here if we keep pouring alcohol into this one.”

She starts bawling, and then gets up to leave her confessional: “I’m not supposed to cry this early.” Oh, man, I don’t even know what to do with that one.

Walgreens ad. I like Walgreens — they’re open a lot and sometimes the pharmacists are really nice. But I fucking hate the guy who does these voiceovers. It’s the guy who was the DJ on Northern Exposure and he was, like, the original proto-hipster who brought all that back and I hate him so much.

Morning, KayLee’s day. She’s looks great when they do full-length shot, but up close she’s kind of a Monet:

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Her voiceover is all about her being adopted because on this show you get only one personality feature and hers is “adopted.” (Actually, if I recall it was “orphan” more than “adopted,” but I don’t want to start THOSE waterworks.)

She says, “Nothing will and can go wrong today,” and that cues an external shot where we hear someone falling down the stairs of the mansion. Then we see this person lying on the stairs in what I’m sure isn’t a posed shot because that would be wrong.

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I mean, most people who fall down stairs are instantly knocked unconscious, right?

Tierra took a big fall. I guess. She appears out of it. Sean appears and diagnoses her with a concussion, based on his years of medical practice the fact that he’s had “several concussions” himself. Well, cue the waaambulence for real, then!

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Wait, that’s a firetruck. How is that going to get her to the hospital?

There are like a hundred responders taking care of her. Medical jargon. They’re putting her on a stretcher, and she’s all, “I am fine. I don’t want to do this. No. This is stupid. I just want to be left alone” Hrm. Methinks the lady doth protest just the right amount.

The responder says they want to run her over to get an X-ray. She says very clearly, “I don’t want to go there. It’s not necessary. So let me out of here.” This raises some interesting issues, because if she actually has a concussion her thinking is impaired, and she could cause serious damage to herself if she’s not hospitalized, but does that imply that you should be able to forcibly hospitalize anyone over their objections?

A greasy-haired production assistant says, “Tierra, I really, I really, I really want to recommend that you go to the hospital.”

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Yah, no conflict of interest here, because he actually only cares about this being great TV, and doesn’t give a shit what’s good for her. See? No conflict!

They have women confessionalling that Tierra should have just listened to the men from the hospital, and then they switch to AshLee confessionalling that Tierra is “the boy who cried wolf.” Wait, if she’s crying wolf, why did the producer really, really, really want her to go to the hospital? Make up your mind, producers! Is she really injured, or is she faking it?

Let’s analyze this. We have a long shot of Tierra being discovered lying artfully draped on the stairs, apparently unconscious. I mean, there’s no way someone falls down stairs, lands like that, and then just hangs out in that exact pose without moving unless she’s unconscious, right? If you were conscious, you’d instantly move your arms, your legs, lift your head…you’d see what’s hurt.

So, either (a) she hit her head hard enough to knock her unconscious, and they absolutely should have taken her the hospital, or (b) the producers made her lay there because they missed the shot of her falling down the stairs and it’s great TV, then they called the ambulance even though she just had a little boo-boo, and then they planted the notion that this was all her idea because she’s an attention-whore.

We’ve known this show to be misogynist, but this is a new low. Is the crying-slow-clap a thing? Let’s make it a thing.

Sean checks on Hatchet-face.

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Related: I have the results of her latest ob-gyn exam. Sean hangs out groping her for a while while AshLee fumes inside. He’s got his hand up touching her head which I think precludes a concussion.

Red Lobster has 30 shrimp for just $11.99! I’d totally go to Red Lobster if I could find one again. Just for the hush puppies. I haven’t had a real hush puppy since I was 14.

Sean and AsHLEe are finally on the highway in a Jeep. She confessionals, “I’m definitely ready to move past Tiera’s big fall,” and spend some time talking about ADOPTION.

Ugh. Didn’t I say I hate these dresses?

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So ugly.

They’re going to shut down Six Flags just for The Bachelor! I don’t care! But this is also about charity! Because charity is close to his heart. So they’re taking two girls with chronic illnesses on their date. This does not sound like my ideal date, but I guess I’m not such a humbug that I’m going to pick on the critically ill.

"Because we’re doing something to help others, it thrills my heart," says AshLee. Ugh. We’ve gotten to the point where I’ve realized I wouldn’t be caught dead dating any of the gals remaining on the show and we’re only at week 3.

OK, the two sick girls are online friends who have never met in person, and it’d be hard to fake the sweetness of them actually meeting. But we’re here to make fun of stuff, so I’m skipping ahead.

Skip…skip…riding rides…skip…I’m not going to make fun of sick kids…skip…win a giant stuffed animal…

Night time! Eating crap at the park. That’s the only part of parks I liked, was eating crap. Also, video games.

But wait! Sean says, “To cap off the best day ever, we have a private concert by my favorite band, The Eli Young Band.”

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Who?

AshLee and Sean are alone at last. AshLee confessionals: “I’ve been through a lot in my life, all of which I want him to know about.” See, stop right there. No. This isn’t the point of dating. It’s not a race to see how quickly you can dump all your baggage on the other person.

She tells him, “I definitely want as many children as—my husband and I decide.” Yes. I also want as many children as I decide to have! I think most people do.

She also wants to adopt! Especially older kids. Sean, too! AshLee says, “That’s unexpected to hear out of your mouth,” because she’s secretly a robot from the planet Blorzark 12. “And that really just pulled at my heartstrings.” Yes, I am feeling many of your human emotions right now.

AL: “Because I was adopted at 6, and…” oh boy here we go! “When I was in a foster home, I was abused by a family.” S:”My gosh.” AL:”Isn’t that crazy.”

AshLee: “Literally, if that’s all I walk away with, how lucky am I?” Lucky enough to tell the story on your first date with every guy, I guess? I dunno, we’re in an uncomfortable area, making fun of abused kids. Can we go back to Sarah-with-one-arm? I’ve prepared a ton of jokes for her. Like, if she tells Sean he should be careful with her heart, I can be all, “Well, Sean, forewarned is forearmed!”

S: “You have one of the most optimistic, positive outlooks of anyone I’ve met.” Wait til he sees the footage of her fuming when Hatchet-face fell down the stairs.

She tells about meeting her current family when she was little and being bought off by her new dad and Sean starts crying and gives her a hug. Is a hug as good as a kiss? For me, the answer would be no. But Sean’s really “sincere.” He gives her the date rose.

ASHlee: “It felt good to finally tell somebody that I’m falling in love with about everything that I’m insecure about.” I’m sorry, but I simply don’t believe this is the first time you’ve told this story. Like, you told it during your pre-show interview? That we all saw? On national TV? “And…he had no issue with it.” Well, tears issued from him.

Eli starts another song. I guess he’s playing right behind them.

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God, I’d find that super-awkward.

"So far, in this journey, I’ve already opened up to Sean more than I have to anyone in my life.” OK, first: drink, because she said “opened up,” and second off, REALLY? I mean, REALLY? You’ve opened up more on a first date with a dude at Six Flags that’s being filmed by a huge crew than you have with anyone in your entire life? Jesus Christ is that sad.

He give her some Sean tongue. Bitches love Sean tongue!

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Target ad. Fierce-looking woman striding in slow motion amongst exploding cake mixes, to music that wants to be “Battle Without Honor or Humanity” but they couldn’t afford it. “Dominate that bake sale!” says the voiceover. No, really, it says that.

Yet another indicator that this show is maybe not aimed at single male software developers.

Rose ceremony night at the mansion. Catherine says, “It’s all becoming more serious.” Ooh. She switched “real” out for “serious.” I dunno if we drink to that one? Better safe than sober, though.

While we’re talking about Catherine, I found out two more of my Seattle friends are friends with her. And that Catherine watches this season’s The Bachelor at a bar in Seattle, which I think is kind of awesome. I imagine her seated in front of the TV and exclaiming loudly, “Oh, man! Who’s that girl? She seems familiar! Anyone recognize her? I feel like I know her.”

Daniella (maybe?) the fluffer fluffs her hair and says, “I always feel like it’s the calm before the storm.” Do you…what does that even mean? I mean, it’s a cliché, but what are you trying to say about this moment? Like, this night is anything but calm. And is giving out roses the storm?

Sean comes in and says shit about developing strong relationships and his heart is wide open. But open like what? Open like a child’s mind?

Sean has a surprise for Sarah, because she didn’t get any attention this week. He’s excited for her to see it! A limo pulls up.

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"Are you sending me home?" she asks. You gotta love the f’ed up power dynamic on this show. Every woman constantly afraid at every turn that the guy will unilaterally banish her.

She starts flipping out: “You can’t do this! You can’t do this to me!” But, it’s just her dog.

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Now, I would actually be super-pissed if someone flew my cats across the country without me knowing. I don’t trust you to make travel arrangements for my cats. Did you give them seats or toss them in stowage? Did you tranquilize them? Did someone fly with them? See, those aren’t your decisions to make, because they’re my goddamn cats. I’d be MAD.

She cries. She confessionals she feels like a “hot mess.” Can we all just stop saying that? I don’t even know if it means you feel like a fresh pile of dog shit (it’s hot and a mess), or if it means you’re sexy but also messed up.

They show the dog chewing on a tennis ball and have added squeaky noises for comic value. Because in their world, tennis balls squeak. I’d like to go to Bachelor Wimbledon. “It’s 20-love…here’s the serve…SQUEAAKA! Back-court…SQUEE!”

Back inside, Sean asks Tiera for some time with her hatchet-face. Ugh. She asks him, “So, what do you think?” Ugh she’s dumb. Seriously, what kind of question is that? So, do you like stuff?

Desiree steals Sean from her, and they start kissing. Hatchet-face is angry immediately and steals him back. I feel there need to be rules on this stealing or in a few seasons the gals will just be playing hot potato with the guy. Desiree is angry.

There’s like a montage of girls stealing Sean, with Sean voiceovering that there’s a different feel tonight. Desiree is complaining to another girl about it now. Memo to Desiree: you wrapped your legs around him in the hot tub. You’re safe for this week.

Kacie finally gets time with Sean and apologizes for being crazytimes the other night. Then two girls show up and join them, including one with a rose. Now that’s just rude.

Chris comes in to tink his glass. He doesn’t even say anything. Sean says two lines. They’re actually low on time!

Another ad cut off and skipped by Hulu. Thank you, bugs!

Chris: Leslie M, Lindsay, and Ashley are safe. Roses mean you stay. Here’s Sean.

Sean: I might find the person that I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with.

He takes several super-deep breaths. I wasn’t even looking at the screen because I was waiting for the first name, and I could hear “hhhhhhhhhhhhhhn, hhhhhhhhhhn, hhhhhhhn.” So, drama.

"Actually, before I do this… Kacie can I talk to you?" Drama!

Lindsay recaps what JUST FUCKING HAPPENED for us. “All of a sudden Sean pulls Kacie out of the room immediately.” WHAT? NO WAY! He did not! Are you sure?

He takes the rose with him. All the girls notice. He takes Kacie out front. I’m sure no lights are set up there, since this is a totally spontaneous moment, so the footage is going to look like crap.

"I admire you so much for leaving your life behind…and I have too much respect for you to make you stand through another rose ceremony when I think we’re better off as friends."

I guess we know how much respect he has for the other bimbos then. Also, kind of cruel to take the rose with you when you’re walking someone out early. “John, I have a special bequest for you here at your father’s funeral…let’s walk over into my private office, but first let me just grab this huge stack of $1,000 bills that’s sitting here…OK, your dad told me he always hated you and you should pound rocks.” [Pockets money, turns away whistling.]

Sean walks her five feet to where the limo is waiting.

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Hmm. Do you suppose if the Bachelor asks to talk to you out front and you walk out there and there’s a limo facing that direction with its lights on, you kind of know what’s coming? Or was she like, “Oh boy! Are we going for a midnight ride! Whee!”

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"Hey, wait a minute! You’re not getting in the limo! And there’s a cameraman in here with me!" Also, it’s not even a limo, it’s a hatchback thing.

Sean tells the assembled women how he was “just friends” with Kacie. “Kacie has gone home.” God, the guys are so powerful in this show: “Susan…will no longer be with us. MUAH HAH HAH oh did I say that part aloud?”

Anyhow: roses!

"Tiera" Hatchet-face. He likes thick-legged women. "Yes."

"Lesley H." Poker dealer. "Absolutely, thank you."

"Catherine" Gal we all know. She’s very quiet.

"Daniella" the porn star. "Thank you."

Pause. Girls are nervous. Plus really quiet tonight. They’re all pretty subdued after Kacie was taken out front and shot.

"Robyn" we love her. "Yes! Thanksalutely."

"Selma" boobs. "Chu."

"Sarah" army of one. "Of course"

"Jackie" a redhead? looks like Jessica Rabbit? I dunno. "Yes"

 ”Amanda” the fit model, public enemy #2. 

Chris comes in. “Ladies, Sean, this is the final rose tonight, when you’re ready.”

Desiree still doesn’t have a rose and is furiously fluttering her eyelashes.

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She’s liable to lift off if she keeps it up.

"Dez" he has a pet name for her. Because SHE HAD HER LEGS WRAPPED AROUND HIM so duh he picked her. "Of course."

Chris explains how good-byes work. Sean hugs a bleach blonde who may or may not have been on the show before. Oh, Taryn the Health Club manager. You’d think dating a health club person would be something Sean could really take advantage of, since he’s constantly working out topless. She says she might not be ready. Or sweet enough for him. Aww. This is pretty sad.

Kristy the former model is also sad. She breaks down on camera. Which makes a great cut to…

SEAN toasting all the remaining women!

So I found out that after the final ad break they show awesome out-takes this season! I went back and watched the first two. They’re hilarious, I recommend them. Let’s see what we have.

Oh, it’s Sean and AshLEE and the girls at an olde-timey photo place in Six Flags, playing dress-up. Man, why’d they cut this, this stuff is totally hilari…zzzzzz