It’s weak 2 [sic]! What can we expect? I bet that the guys will voiceover that they’re not here to make friends, and The Most Boring Hot Blonde Alive will voiceover that she thinks her next dead husbeeen is amongst this jaggle of douchebags.

Oh, snap, as I was skipping over the “Tonight on The Bachelorette” scenes I saw a snippet of Luxury Goods / Helicopter douche (Kaylan) is all like “I wouldn’t like me either if I were you, bro, but fortunately I’m me.”  So… much… wrong with that sentence.

Also, are we really supposed to believe, like, that Luxury Goods douche owns a helicopter? Because I’ma lay some TROOF on ya’ll: the dudes selling luxury goods aren’t rich. If they were rich, they wouldn’t be salespeople. Those guys selling Lamborghinis? They’re not selling them because they have a dozen themselves and love them so much they just want to share them with the world; they don’t have enough money to buy even one. When you go to a fancy restaurant and are afraid the waiters are going to be snooty to you because you’re not Bill Gates? The waiters aren’t rich; they’re making slightly above minimum wage. If they’re acting snooty it’s because they’re being jerks. And if they’re not, christ, give them a break, it’s one of the hardest jobs in the world putting up with people’s crap and they get paid like nothing.

In real life Helicopter Douche spends all his time around rich people acting like he’s one of them but inside he knows he’s essentially a con man. Remember this when you watch him. I’ve only seen one conversation with him and I’m telling you already: he’s a empty man haunted by the fear of getting exposed for the fraud he is. If anyone challenges him he’ll react with the viciousness of a thousand pit bulls because his entire identity is wrapped up in face he has to maintain.

—

We open with a fake news piece The Bacheleorette has cooked up in concert with Charlotte’s Channel 9 news, with real co-anchor Scott Wickersham forever tarnishing his reputation as a newsman by participating in a scripted bit where he recaps why the Bachelorette is in Charlotte and adds, “Some speculate the Bachelorette is being filmed in Charlotte so Emily can stay close to her young daughter.”

Really? Who, exactly, speculates this? Has the “Some speculate…” lead EVER been used outside of Hollywood doing pretend news stories? Sure, it sounds familiar to us all, because we’ve watched Batman and shit where the news is all, “Some speculate that the masked avenger is actually working with the Joker…” but it’s never used on real news. “Some speculate” isn’t news. Imagine Dan Rather being all, “Some speculate Bush cut taxes just to line his own pockets,” and raising one eyebrow and giving the camera a don’t-ask-me-who-it-sure-wasn’t-me look.

Sure, we give points to the Bachelorette producers for finding a clever way to do a sum-up, but all those points come out of the hides of Channel 9 and Scott Wickersham, who went along with this sham at the expense of their good name. Hope it was worth it for you guys. (You might imagine Channel 9 was a Fox affiliate since it airs fake news, but, no, it’s ABC… you know, like The Bachelorette itself.)

Now Emily’s out walking with “Little Ricki” who is no longer wearing a shirt that says “Ricki” like she did on the first episode, so I’m not sure how Emily remembers her name. Now Emily’s talking with her clutch of housewife friends about soccer practice and shit, which is super-hot. Damn, me so horny.

Cut to Chris Harrison (who, ironically, isn’t very hairy and has no parents, like Batman) who explains how dates work on this show. It takes him like thirty seconds and he’s out. God damn he has the easiest job on television. He’s like, “You might not get a date this week so make the most of your time… and I’m Audi 5000, bitches.” What the hell does Chris do with the rest of his week? Does he have some other show? How much do they pay him?

Chris throws down a date card before he bolts. “This just got real,” says some douche. Please mark your bingo board accordingly. It’s for Ryan. He’s the Pro Sports Trainer (wha?) who looks a bit like Kyle Reese from Terminator. To the other guys and camera he quotes his pastor on how to treat a woman, which seems like a clever move because what are the other guys going to do, attack God? “Yah, well your pastor SUCKS LITTLE BOY COCKS!” (Probably not on this show.)

Kalon the Luxury Brand Consultant (aka helicopter douche) is already given some camera time to talk about how jealous he is of Ryan. Because, shit just got real. They’ve known her for four or five hours, now, and they’ve all made up their minds that she’s the one extremely boring single mom for them. “It’s really fusterating!” They’ve used three different sound samples to patch the three sentences they use from Kalon, which is, again, distracting as hell. Can’t you guys, like, just use one sentence?

But let’s give them credit for having a guy explain the rules of the game to us (“he might not come home at all”) so they get the double-duty of Kalon establishing rival tension and reviewing how the show works all in one.

—

Dove deodorant has collengula to reduce dark marks when shaving! Wow. Sign me the hell up for whatever the hell that is that you just made up.

—

We come back to HOT WET NAKED NIPPLES. Finally, some nipples on this show.

Wait a minute. Wait. No. Oh god, no. This isn’t what I was wishing for at all. GOD DAMN THIS MONKEY PAW WHY DOES IT ALWAYS FUCK ME? I swear I’m going to stop using that thing.

Luxury boy says, “It’s like the frat house. From hell. On steroids. -snicker-” DING DING DING! You’ve used EVERY cliché that exists! (Also, seriously, pardon me for pre-judging you sir, but I don’t think you are a stranger to frat houses or steroids.)

Emily shows up at the pool wearing… like, kind of fancy sweats? Man. Day two of the Bachelorette and she’s already let herself go. Christ. They have a guy voiceovering, “Emily walked in and… she looks amazing! Her in her regular clothes…” ok just stop. Look, dude, I know you want airtime to establish your lucrative Hollywood career that The Bachelorette is CLEARLY the instant gateway to, but you’re just making an idiot of yourself reading these lines. Be honest. She looks like someone who’s given up.

Mmm, regular clothes. Arrgggglglglglele.

Ryan leads her out. Emily confessionals that Ryan makes her nervous because he’s so crazy good-looking and she’s so incredibly dull. So deadly, soul-killingly boring.

Emily: “I’m sure Ryan is thinking about all the past dates and wondering what bridge he’s going to be jumping off or what helicopter he’s going to be going on…” I laughed out loud. I love it when this show is self-aware.

But Emily is just driving him to her house. To unload groceries. They’re playing the “wah wah wah” music they play when someone is being derpy on the show. She’s having him make cookies! He’s so humiliated because she puts him in her girlie apron. Here’s a quick way to lose your masculinity, guys: admit that you feel like a girl.

He’s a fucking fitness trainer! He should have whipped off his shirt and put the apron on over his giant naked pecs. Then picked up Emily and bent her over the stove and banged her right there. That’s what I’d do. I mean, if it weren’t Emily. 

[Seriously, though, don’t you expect them to be baking up a bunch of plastique to take on the Terminator? “That’s good. All right. Six more like that, and I’ll get started on the fuses.”]

They try the raw cookie dough, which has uncooked eggs. From Charlotte, NC. Don’t worry, I’m sure she only buys locally-sourced free-range vegetarian-fed small-farm eggs that have almost no risk of salmonella, like I do.

—

Back at the MANsion (recycled joke) a guy reads his script, “Were you jealous of Ryan when you saw her go on the date,” which are words no guy has ever said to a guy in real life when both of them are trying to date the same girl. “Yah!” says some dude with no shirt, “Especially when I saw she was dressed ‘down.’ She looked… real.”

Man, they are really lampshading how slobby she looked. I feel like with Emily they’ve just given up trying to get dudes to watch the Bachelorette. At least last season with chipmunk cheeks she was, you know, a dancer with a smokin’ body. They’ve went from the opening scenes being a gal wearing dance tights and prancing around to a housewidow walking around a park with the daughter of the love of her life. Wah-wah indeed.

The dudes discuss how Emily probably won’t let her date meet Little Ricki. Cut to Emily in her giant SUV, who delivers the cookies to girls playing soccer and tells Ryan he has to wait in the car like a creeper because she’s so protective of Little Ricki. Grr, I’m a mama bear! I don’t want my daughter meeting strange men for half a second but I don’t mind her being all over national TV!

Ryan’s making the best of it. She comes back with juice boxes for the both of them. Holy cow at this point I’d be so out. I’d be like, “Wow, check this out, the door on my side opens! Hmm. Look at that! I think I’ll run a mile in this direction now.” PHIP! Gone.

Emily says, “Next we’re going to Chuck E Cheese!” But she’s joking. She’s not good at joking. You know how some people are so boring they shouldn’t tell jokes, even ones the producers wrote for them, because they can’t sell them the tiniest bit so you’re just kind of wincing and waiting for it to be over the whole time?

Yah, Emily. Also how I imagine sex with her.

—

Ryan’s topless, and ironing his shirt. Ooh, hot stuff! We’ve officially given up on having any men watch this except sad, lonely bloggers. Emily is in a red dress that looks too frilly by ⅔rds for me. She’s standing in front of a Aston Martin convertible and my tweeps who work on the show just told me today that it was supposed to be a Lotus Evora which would have been a ton cooler so WTF producers?

She lets him drive. Eighty billion people are waiting at the restaurant for them. Charlotte is apparently a super-boring place. Huge crowd with velvet ropes outside… inside is empty. Although the background sounds of talking and clinking… maybe there are people in another section?

Emily is grilling him about what he’s going to do when the chase is over and she’s not interesting any more. I think the issue she’s grappling with is that, inherently, she’s actually not interesting, so every guy IS going to be bored with her at the end of the chase. I mean, sure, she’s kind of pretty, so a lot of guys are going to be attracted to her for superficial reasons. But she can’t really blame them for that, since she doesn’t seem to have any personality whatsoever.

He’s asking her if she’ll let a man be a real father to Ricki. She wants a man to be in charge… but not really. It’s complicated AND boring, which is a magic combination of unblogability. Skip.

DATE card at the mansion. Kalon gets more air time. Christ, the producers have a bigger woody for him than Toy Story had for Andy. (Screw you, they can’t all be winners. YOU try being funny about some boring housewife dating douchebags.)

Back to Emily and Ryan. He says he liked playing house with her, she gives him the rose. “Don’t make this easy on me,” Ryan says. She says she’s going to give him a run. They inexplicably start super-drawling like they’re trying to out-Southern each other. Then they go outside to a private concert (with all her fans) from a band I’ve never heard of and neither have you. Obligatory music video montage. This band sounds kind of like other whiny bands I don’t like.

—

Kenmore ad: We’re not just aiming this show at moms, we’re aiming at moms that don’t buy prosumer appliances.

—

Emily’s getting made up. She doesn’t know the old saying: You can put lipstick on a pig, but she’ll still be super-boring.

The guys on the date are led into a theater. Kalon gets more confessional sneer-time. Emily explains they’re going to be singing and dancing and crap. The dude who’s supposedly a professional singer/dancer (who’s wearing a newsie cap) is stoked! Other guys, not as much.

Emily says this is to benefit a charity that is “really, really important to me.” Ok. “The Ricki Hendrix Center for Intensive Care at the Charlotte Children’s Hospital.”

Wat.

You’re doing this for YOUR charity? Can you just, like, say that? Instead of being all, “Oh, I really, really care about this charity. What’s that? It has the same name as my daughter and dead HUSBEEEEN? That’s is SO STRANGE. I can’t believe I didn’t notice that before. It’s like I don’t say his/her name like a hundred times a day.”

John “Wolf” says, “This charity is really important to Emily” yah you think so since Emily’s profession was listed as “event organizer at a children’s hospital” and it’s a charity at a hospital and is named after her daughter/has-been? Like, this is her “job?”

Emily also introduces the muppets, who’ll be helping. Camera pans to the other side of the stage where Kermit and Miss Piggy are sitting. Aaron the biology teacher says, “Wow, we didn’t expect that!”

Really? Fucking really? You gut snuck up on by a motherfucking muppet? How bad is your situational awareness? There’s two dudes with their hands stuck up the asses of some sock-puppets setting up special chairs and blocks and things right there on stage with you and you totally missed it? Christ. I don’t think I’m John Rambo but I like to imagine a muppet wouldn’t get the drop on me.

Also, muppets, what are you doing slumming it on this show? ABC/Disney/Henson. Oh. The Bachelorette is really leaning hard on its ABC family for this season. Is fucking Remy the Rat going to give them cooking lessons next? (I guess my Woody joke wasn’t that out of place.)

The guys look very awkward being flirted with by Miss Piggy. No wonder. Imagine if there were a dude squatting in front of you with his hand up a pig’s ass telling you how hot you are. HAWK-ward.

Fozzy the Bear is helping the guys prepare and he’s fucking hilarious. I love Fozzy. Also, the guy is nailing the voice. Piggy and Kermit don’t sound right. Meanwhile, Charlie the recruiter is apparently panicking. He’s a recruiter with a speaking problem, I guess?

The guys are back at the mansion, conveniently talking about Charlie. That’s odd. How fortuitous for the producers. “How do you guys think Charlie is doing?” one says in the most unlikely conversation opener ever. “Charlie’s been through a lot. Charlie fell off a fifteen-foot balcony!” PFFFT… oh god I’m sorry I know I’m a horrible person but that’s still funny to me.

“He was in a coma,” ok I admitted I’m horrible, you don’t have to make me feel worse.

Back to the man/bear/pig-stage. Charlie is coming to talk to Emily and is telling her he can’t be in the show. It’s a pretty touching moment, to be real. I mean, he’s scared and he doesn’t want to admit he’s having issues and it sucks when you’ve got something holding you back that normal people don’t have to deal with and you hate to admit it because you feel like you’re less of a man and you want to present this invincible front uh not that I have anything wrong with me no what the hell made you go there look we’re talking about the Bachelorette here not me ok just drop it.

Seriously, though, I sit here making fun of these poor people and it probably comes across like I think I’m perfect, but honestly I’m too chicken-shit to ever be on a show like this so I sit here and snipe from the very back lines like I’m a real man.

All the guys are dressed in tuxes. “You guys ready to do this or what?” reads one of guys from the giant cue-card of clichés in the sky. In tuxes they’re even more indistinguishable than usual except for the guy in the soul patch who still looks like a total doofus. So, hey, way to stand out, doofus-man.

—

Ad for Sealy mattresses and how good they are to fuck in. Not even kidding. “Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it.” GREAT ad.

—

Kermit comes into Emily’s dressing room to do a bit. Ugh. Oh, hey, Chris Harrison managed to come to the show. There’s some footage of him saying hey to people in the lobby. Man, his job must be exhausting! Poor guy.

Stevie the “Party MC” with the soul patch says it’s hard to concentrate on his singing and dancing because Emily looks so hot in her dress. You know, Stevie, you could also just toss a plain baloney sandwich in a microwave for thirty seconds and it’d also be hot and boring. And you wouldn’t even have to adopt a daughter. You could just eat it and go back to Infamous 2. Which is a great game.

Chris Harrison does a two-line bit in the audience with Statler (of “and Waldorf” fame) and earns his fat check this week. Fozzie introduces a couple of the dudes to do comedy. The two jokes they show crash so hard that Ralph Nader launches an investigation. The muppets tear them apart which is kind of awesome. I mean, if even the muppets gave you a “pity laugh”… damn. That’s like Lana Del Rey saying she hates your singing.

Now Miss Piggy is playing dating game with the Bachelors. Whoever is doing her voice is clearly enjoying making these dudes squirm. (I really don’t think it’s Frank Oz but whoever he is, he’s doing a decent job.) But she lobs a softball at Charlie the Balcony-survivor and encourages the audience to applaud him after he answers, which they do. Note that this couldn’t possibly have been set up in advance, since the writers had no way to know he was afraid of… except oh wait they filmed that stuff earlier I keep forgetting there’s a huge camera and sound crew watching all these intimate moments silly me right this was all orchestrated.

They keep cutting to Little Ricki in the audience and it’s lucky they’re doing such a good job of protecting her while filming this show since Emily is so protective of her daughter. Wouldn’t want her exploited.

Kermit and Miss Piggy and Emily do a bit and can I just say, I love the muppets more than anything but I’ve never thought Miss Piggy was right for Kermit. He’s a nice guy, she’s a selfish, attention-whoring bitch. I don’t want them together. It’s like if Mr. Rogers started dating Courtney from last season.

Emily invites Ricki on-stage to sing with Kermit and Piggy. Yup. You protect your kid, mama bear. Ricki doesn’t actually sing, she can’t stop staring at Piggy. Emily bends down and says, “You just sang with Kermit the Frog!” No, she didn’t. She didn’t sing at all. Don’t lie to her. It doesn’t help her when you coddle her.

Emily announces they raised over $20,000 for her favorite charity (that *cough* happens to be named “Ricki,” because she loves all things so named), which is a stunningly low amount of money. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a charity event that raised that little money, and this one was on national TV and had muppets at it. Hell, at Child’s Play a few years back (which, coincidentally, also benefits children’s hospitals, except with real dollars) I donated around $15,000 myself, and I wasn’t even the biggest donor. I think the whole dinner brought in like $300,000?

I’m not saying Emily’s not very good at her job but wait yes I am that’s exactly what I’m saying.

Kermit says he’s happy to have raised so much money for a good cause which doesn’t ring very true considering he probably has that kind of scratch in his fuzzy green back pocket right now.

—

Oh god we’re only like halfway through the show and this is like a small book. I’m sorry. Really. I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this. Look, I’ll level with you. I didn’t even want to do this. There’s this girl I had a crush on years ago and she texted me and was all like, “Where are The Bachelorette blogs?” and pretty much any gal I’ve lost my heart to has this power over me forever where I want to impress her so I’ll do idiotic things like this for her for the rest of my life oh god what have I become.

But, hey, do you think the guy she lives with blogs about the Bachelorette for her? Hell no. Know what he does do? Her sweet ass, every night.

Ba-dump, kish. I’ll be here all week, folks. Try the fish, it tastes like tears of loneliness.

—

We’re back. At some group dinner? And there’s a rose, natch. Some guys confess they want it, big surprise. Skip, skip.

Ok, Emily’s sitting down with Jef the skater douche with the bouffant hair. She says she’s been wondering all day why he isn’t talking to her. “Does Jef speak English?” she asks Jef, ironically betraying her own lack of linguistic knowledge.

She throws herself at him. He plays it cool. Smooth. Gotta hand it to Jef. He played this right.

MAN-HOUSE, EXT SHOT: Lightning strikes as the doorbell rings, despite Emily and Jef being outside when they were talking and it being a clear night. INTERIOR: A douchebag says, “Ya’ll sit tight” and goes to answer the door. What could it be? It must be some SHOCKING TWIST.

Nope, it’s a date card. For Joe (who?) “Joe: Come close to my heart.”

Wow. Normally girls don’t ask me to come there until the fourth or fifth date.

CUT TO: Emily’s date with the dudes, where the MC Goatee is dancing with Emily awkwardly while asking her what kind of dance she likes. The guys upstairs are all like, “Oh, boy, let’s go look!”

The Luxury Goods Helicopter guy voiceovers (as one dude does every season) how the guys seem to be more interested in hanging out with each other than Emily, a gal they’ve known for hours now. He has his eyes on the prize. He will be alpha dog! He’ll show all the successful people that he can live in their world and beat them at their own game, even though he isn’t even really one of them!

Emily talks with Kalon the Helidouche. Emily gives him the “I was worried… I was wondering where’s Kalon?” line which we now learn is just her approach to every guy. Kalon says he’s never had to compete for the attention of a woman. “If I see a beautiful woman, such as yourself, I just go talk to her…” Ugh. “Such as yourself.” Where’d you learn to speak, at the Hollywood School of Fake Fancy Learning?

Aaron comes and interrupts Halon during his gas attack and they get into a minor kerfluffle where Halon asks for two more minutes and Aaron says no way and Halon backs down and he voiceovers he was raised a gentleman “and I’m just a little more eloquent in how I conduct myself.” Yup. Why, I bet in fifth grade he was awarded a second-place medal for “Eloquence in Self-Conduction.”

Now Halon’s explaining to the gang what happened. Stevie says (correctly!) that Halon did the same thing to him last week. Then they have their little spat we saw in the previews.

“I don’t like you.”

“I wouldn’t like me either, if I were you.”

“You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?” - no Stevie really says, “Oh, is that who you want to be.”

Halon is trying to play it off cool, but he really needs the other guys to accept him. His whole life-view is at risk. He says to Stevie, “I want to be the guy who spends time with her and gets the rose… I think we all want to be that guy. Cheers to that.” All the other guys just look uncomfortable. Nobody cheerses.

Emily gives the rose to Jef for no reason we can imagine except she’s really attracted to guys who seem unavailable and distant. Emily: STOP MAKING POOR DECISIONS.

—

To apply to be on The Bachelor… hey wait! You know what, if you guys want to date a great lady in North Carolina, why not date my sister? She’s single, funny, classy, pretty, incredibly successful, and has escaped the crazy gene that most of mom’s side has! You can’t ask for a better recommendation than that!

—

Oh god I think that hummus I just ate was bad. This might be cut short. Ok… Emily is driving that Aston Martin again. She says Joe looks like Matthew McConaughey. Emily has told each of the front-runners she thinks they are gorgeous… I’m seeing a pattern. I can’t understand why she’s still single, since she’s so incredibly smart about picking men who will have a real empathy for and connection with her and her daughter.

They jet to some giant hotel in West Virginia. “West Virginia: Some Tourists Actually Come Here!” She apparently grew up playing at this hotel. *cough*richbitch*cough*

Emily strips down to a bikini that Minnie Mouse would wear. Normally I’d be all “Aoooga” at this point, but, come on. It’s Minnie Mouse, except more boring.

She makes a “dive in” pun.

Back with the men, they’re in the hot tub together and talking about who’s nervous that she’s a single mom, in totally stilted tones that indicate they’ve all been prompted.

One of the dads says they should all realize that nothing will be as important to Emily as Little Ricki. Kalon says (rightly!) that at the same time, the dad who just spoke had put being a Dad on hold to come pursue Emily.

The dad loses it. He says you better stop, back up, and apologize. Kalon starts to apologize and Mad Dad says stop again. MAD DAD CRUSH. “Stop. Check it.” Ugh.

I’ve talked to you guys about Narcissistic Rage, right? I’m not going to type the whole thing again. It happens when you challenge something that a person feels insecure about but also consider core to their identity.

—

Emily slowly comes down stairs at the snooty West Virginia hotel looking like she lost a fight at a taffeta factory. Fake McConaughey is impressed. I guess it’s true: West Virginia is for West Lovers.

Emily goes on about how much she’s always loved being at this posh hotel. I feel the audience drifting away from identifying with this rich Southern belle who has a pretend job and a huge house and, oh gosh, her life as a single mom / heiress is so very tough, ya’ll, because life is hard when you’re rich and pretty and so very, very boring.

Ugh, hummus. Getting sicker. This is coloring my impression of the show. Hang in there! Only 28 minutes left! (Oh god, kill me.)

She asks him where he sees himself in five years. Next up: What’s your biggest fault? What salary level are you expecting?

Joe says he’ll pack his bags and move anywhere in the world for her if she picks him. I assume that his bags would be full of HIS TESTICLES because seriously, dude, you need a pair.

There’s a bit with a clock that you stick notes in. Don’t care. Emily is confessional crying because she’s realizing she has no spark with Joe. Joe’s eyes are all lit up. Man, he’s fucked. Poor dude. Fucked and he doesn’t know it. These are the moments this show thrives on. When we watch the guys who think they’ve hit on something amazing and perfect suddenly discover they were totally wrong. The light in their eyes suddenly fading as they realize, no, their journey isn’t over. This wasn’t the end, and there’s no promise there is an end, even.

She’s letting him down easy, telling him he’s great, but she’s visibly upset and he senses the tide shift. He says, “Is there a but coming in here?” and I’m not even going to make a dirty joke here like, “Not for you, stud!”

He’s a gentleman. Ah, Joe. You were a good dude. Hold your head high, friend. America thinks you’re great. “I know I’m not the right fit for him,” is another line I’m not going to touch. “It’s just a testament to what high hopes I had tonight” she says at some TOTALLY OTHER TIME in a sound studio christ horrible editing. Then they show her crying and watching fireworks because, hey, the producers spent the money on them might as well get a shot out of it. Imagine if you’re Joe and you’re being driven away in the Loser Limo and suddenly fireworks go off behind you. Man… burn.

—

More shots of Ricki and Emily. I feel bad for the sound editors this season because Emily’s normal speaking voice is like a weird mix tape. She changes tones four or five times every seconds and has huge pauses like English isn’t her first language. Look, I don’t want to keep harping on the fact that I don’t think she’s very smart, but yes I do.

ROSE SWEARAMONEY.

Emily’s wearing a purple one-shoulder number that makes her look kind of like a giant sash. I feel like I could wear her if I were an ambassador at a ball.

There’s a guy who’s had no air time who’s talking about how he hasn’t really spoken with her. Man. He’s so toast. Tony the lumber trader. Tony walks in on her just as the dude who got a rose the first night hands her a letter to read. A LONG letter. Seven pages? So he sits there listening and feeling his balls shrivel tinier and tinier. Ouch.

Tony says, “It wasn’t the most comfortable… but at the same time, there was no way I was leaving.” Why the hell not, Tony? Why not man up, wink at her, and say, “Hey, you guys are having a moment, I’ll be back in sixty seconds,” and then just duck outside?

—

Back from ads, they replay the whole awkwardness. Also, WTF is with Ryan with writing her a seven-page letter and then having her read it back to him on party night? I mean, that seems like a dick move. Even Emily notes this.

Fourteen minutes to go in the Rataan Death Show. Tony gets his time with Emily and leans hard on the “I have a kid” card. I keep trying to bond with women over having cats but I can tell you it doesn’t work the same. Three weeks until my niece arrives, though!

Halon voiceovers that it’s been a hard week. Yah, it’s like that when you present yourself as the guy too cool for everyone. Nobody likes you and you end up wondering why you’re isolated. Bizarre sound cutting of him saying “now obviously / THE OTHER GUYS HAVE PAINTED ME AS THE OUTCAST SO / it’s so important that I have a few minutes with Emily this evening” with what sounds like three totally different sound bites mushed together.

Halon sits with Emily and tells her how hard he’s having it. Stevie is mad at Halon. Doug steps in on Halon / Emily. 

Sean confessionals he thinks Halon “uses his vocabulary as a way of trying to show his dominance within the household” which is funny because Halon actually has terrible diction. They then show Halon summing up his conversation with Emily by saying he’s “refreshed and hopefully eager to, to move on to these next days.”

Oh, man. It’s so intimidating when a man makes the English language his bitch like that.

We hear the guys saying he seems like a stuck-up rich kid. So, some of them are buying his act.

Chris comes in. Emily says some crap.

—

Ad for RAID ant killer. Know what shouldn’t be a problem? Ants. Know why? Because ants only come in your house if you leave food for them to eat. 100%: If you have ants you have food somewhere they’re eating. You don’t need a ton of chemicals in your house. They aren’t in there for shits and grins. You’re feeding them, just stop.

—

Rose time. Emily spoke.

Kaylan (Helicopter douche). The producer’s fave, of course he’s in.

Arie! He’s the race car driver (alive). I remember him!

Michael. He has a dude-ponytail. Ugh.

Nate. Nate has a face.

Sean. Sean thinks Kaylan uses his fancy words to confuse Hulk.

Chris. Wait, Chris Harrison is getting roses now? No, that’d be too much like work, this is a different Chris.

Duck. Who the hell is Duck? What the duck?

Travis. Lawnmower-hair man.

Tony. He has a kid, no balls, and loves lumber!

John. Didn’t see his face, even.

Allesandro. Longish hair.

Charlie. Smirk.

Allejandro. Fuck she kept them both again. It’s like she hates me.

Chris: “Emily, gentlemen, this is the final rose tonight” zip he’s gone. Christ how much does he end up making per hour?

Stevie. The poor MC who hates Kaylon because he’s faux-rich. I can’t believe they kept both a dick and the guy who hates the dick! That’s unprecedented!

Chris: “You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here, suckers.”

Some guys with glasses and a lip scar is disappointed. Aaron the biology teacher. Oops. He had a fancy degree. She don’t need no city learnin. Kyle the financial advisor is all like it wasn’t her, chance it would be, it wasn’t, I took a chance, blah.

Emily’s toast: “I can only imagine it’s going to get harder.” Inspirational! They cheers to another week in… Charlotte!

Christ this would be my hell.

God I hate the Bachelorette. Not the gal herself (although some of them are pretty execrable) but the show. The problem is (and I’ve said this before, but, hell, the show repeats itself and so I get to as well, as I’ve also said before) that having 25 dudes chasing one hot gal isn’t interesting. There’s nothing novel about that situation. That’s, like, the scene at any bar. The whole reason the Bachelor is interesting is because you have 25 really attractive women absolutely THROWING themselves at one dude, which is a bizarro-inversion of the real world.

But we gotta give equal time, so, here we are with the new Bachelorette, who is Emily the single mom, which, right there… WTF? This is the best you could do?

Look, I’ve been on singles sites, and, let’s face it, single moms are not super-hot commodities. I guess the producers figured, “Hey, our target demo is single moms who are underemployed… wouldn’t they like to imagine a world where 25 handsome dudes all wanted to chase them?”

Also, strike two against Emily, in that this is her actual second strike. I mean, she was already picked by some douche (I’ve forgotten their names) on a previous Bachelor, but then they split up. She failed.

Ok, look, producers, let me give you free advice: Don’t make the focus of your show a loser. We’re trying to buy into a fantasy here. Seeing Emily on-screen reminds us of three things: 1) Hot chicks aren’t worth it if they’re super-conservative, 2) Her husbeeeeen died in a plane crash while racing a car to impregnate her, and 3) The Fucking Bachelor Love Process Does Not Work.

When you bring back these people from the dead pool, you’re just showing off your failure. It’s like if I invited my ex-girlfriends on all my first dates. Well, except my ex-girlfriends would spend the whole time talking about how great I was in bed and how I love taking care of people. Also did I mention I’m single?

Where were we? Oh yes, the show hasn’t started and it’s already doomed. Right.

The only good news here is that since they keep giving Bachelors AND Bachelorettes second tries, I’m left to assume they’re actually starting to run out of idiot attention-whores who will agree to be on these shows. Which means the world supply of those people is a lot smaller than I thought. Hooooray.

—

We start with an ad for “Off” bug repellant which Hulu has personalized just for me? WTF? I hate the outdoors and the only time I see a mosquito is when my cats are eating them.

Emily! She can’t believe she’s the Bachelorette! That seems like maybe a lie since, you know, she was already on the Bachelor and was chosen. I mean, is this such a high honor? “I used to imagine myself winning the Nobel prize for buck teeth, but I nevah thought I’d be the Bachelorette.”

She says she wants a father-figure for “Little Ricky” (which is what I imagine her dead husbeen called his penis, but is now the name of his posthumous daughter) “more than anything.” Just so you know, I’d run 1000 miles in the opposite direction if this were my introduction to any woman.

Oh, then she says, “My daughter is the most important thing in my life, and I wish more than anything” that he was alive. She doesn’t understand what “more than anything” means.

Now she’s recounting the story of Big Ricky dying in a plane crash. Because we don’t all know about it. Ok, more about the daughter. Two minutes in so far. Now she’s mentioning how much she needs a man, after little Ricki goes to bed.

Brad. Oh, it was Brad Wombat who was all in lurve with her but it didn’t work out because he banged every girl around her on national TV which turns out to not be a great start to a relationship.

Emily says she’s only 26 and has been engaged twice. Really? I thought she was like 34. Damn. Southern women age fast. Or maybe being a bottle blonde just makes you look old.

Montage. Now she’s… riding a horse? Why? What? Is this a thing now?

—

Hi, I’m Chris Harrison! Blah blah. Few women have left such an impression on America as Emily Maynard, who fell in love with Brad Womack. Blah.

I think it’s interesting they’re using last names now. They’re like, screw this, we’ve wrecked their normal lives.

Chris explains that Emily has lost her true love in a plane crash. WHAAT? NO FUCKING WAY?

Let’s meet the men! Kalon admits he used to be loud and a womanizer, but now he’s talking about how much money he has and is appearing on the Bachelorette, so clearly he’s dodged the douchebag bullet.

Ryan is a trainer who works with kids and looks like of like the guy who told Sarah Connor to come with him if she wants to live. A little intense.

Tony is a father who is super-ripped and works in lumber or some thing. His forehead veins are super-intense. We’ll call him “Veins” for now. “What has two thumbs and is going to marry Emily?” he asks. (Answer: nobody on this show.)

Lerone is the black guy. He seems nice and successful and they’ll keep him for four shows to prove they’re not racist. David is a singer-songwriter in New York so you know he’ll be great provider. Wow, they show him singing and it’s brutal. Charlie is 32 and lived a “normal life.” But then he was involved in a balcony collapse, which changed his life! No, I’m not kidding. Balcony collapse. He had a brain injury and now he talks to dogs as if they are people.

Jef says people rarely take him seriously. He’s got a huge bouffant hairdo and he wears a jeans jacket and likes skateboarding because he’s a rebel, ya’ll. Yup, he’s going to start fights. They’ll keep him.

OMG, they got a race car driver. Arie. Seriously? Another race car driver? That’s just… that’s creepy. “There’s one thing I’m worried about,” he says, and I expect him to say, “And that’s crashing in a fucking plane, because apparently this woman is cursed.”

—

Lots of ads for cleaning products on this show. I wouldn’t use fucking Johnson furniture polish crap in my house if you paid me. Christ, who buys this shit?

—

The Bachelorette is starting in Emily’s hometown of Charlotte. Chris is in front of some giant mansion or hotel or something. Emily arrives. She looks like a 35-year-old woman going to prom. Chris chats with her. “This could be the night I meet… my husbeen!” Then she recaps her recap that she recapped earlier.

Chris mentions the plane crash again. If you’re playing a drinking game where you drink whenever someone talks about the plane crash please stop now. You will die. It’s not worth it.

“To be honest I don’t want to talk about that any more.” she says, and sure as fuck could have fooled me. I’m zoning out. “I like to being able to wake up and make breakfast.” She has set the bar for her happiness surprisingly low and reachable. Awake? Check. Fry an egg? Check. Happy!

—

Allstate ad with a dude who own like forty jetskis and motorcycles. Who’s the target audience here? Single moms with jetskis watching the Bachelorette.

—

First limo pulls up. Douchey blonde spikey-haired dude comes out. Sean’s an insurance agent and part-time douche! David the singer-songwriter’s got a collar open to his navel and looks like he’s from the ‘70s. Doug the charity director says he’s a hugger! He’s got tiny deep eyes and his eyebrows are about half as wide as they should be. Mutant.

Jackson is a fitness model! He’s wearing a pink shirt and gives her a cheesy line. Ugh. Joe is a “field energy advisor” and has been doing coke for hours. I honestly don’t know what the fuck a field energy advisor is unless it’s code for cocaine dealer.

Second limo. Ari is tall and I missed his profession. Kyle the financial advisor says, “Wow!” and I dunno if that approach works but hey, I’m single. Chris is in corporate sales and all these dudes pretty much look identical. He’s telling a story about his dad giving him advice.

Aaron is a biology teacher and I bet his favorite animal is the aardvark. Alessandro is a grain merchant from Brasil but has a crazy Minneapolis accent.

Ugh. The CEO of the water company, “Jef” skateboards up behind a limo and then tosses the skateboard in the bushes the way rebels do. Jef is sure super-impressed with Jef. Will choosy moms choose Jef?

Jerome the black guy gets out of the cab and is smooth. Stevie the dancer/MC/entertainer comes up with a boom box and does a little dance. He’s super! Thanks for asking. Charlie the recruiter has to follow him. He looks like Biff from Back to the Future.

Tony the lumber trader has a glass slipper on a pillow for Emily. God, these bits are embarrassing. We fade out with the dudes psyching each other out. Some douche announces that feelings might get hurt, because when he wants something he does everything in his power to get it.

I’m betting he gives 110%, too.

—

I can’t tell any of the dudes apart except the chemistry teacher wears glasses.

Some guy comes up with a cane wearing a granny wig and pretending he’s an old lady. Randy! He’s a marketing manager. Ouch. Did I mention these bits are painful? Because seriously.

Nate the accountant says hi and he seems so simple and nice I might just love him. Brent does something. He’s not good looking and let’s not bother to learn anything about him. Besides his big mole. Big mole big mole big mole.

John “Wolf” comes in. He’s checking out her rack a lot. “Very, very excited!” he says. Next comes Travis the ad sales rep carrying a giant egg. I wonder if it’s a bit? Oh, yes. The egg is a symbol of her and Ricki. He says he’ll take care of it as he’d take care of her and Ricki. I’m really hoping the egg’s made of granite. That’s be awesome.

Long-haired Tom Cruise comes out of the limo. Michael. He’s a rehab counselor and can’t stop brushing his hair with his hands which is super-annoying in dudes. Jean-paul is a marine biologist and he won’t last. The smart ones never do. He admits he doesn’t know much about her which is code for “this show is stupid.”

Alejandro the Columbian comes up speaking Spanish. Bet that gets the chicks. Ryan the sports trainer is having a poofy hair day. Ugh, he does a bit. Please, stop doing bits.

Helicopter is flying in. The guys are getting nervous. MAN THEY LOVE HELICOPTERS ON THIS SHOW.

Kalon emerges. He’s a luxury brand consultant. He looks kind of like young superman. He can’t stop staring at her super-intensely. Ugh creepy. They film him walking in to say hi to the guys and are trying to make like nobody is responding to his friendly overtures but the editing is such that we don’t see him talking (or at all) so we know better than to believe it. This is just footage of the guys standing around with his voice dubbed over.

—

Ok, the men are all here. I’m exhausted. I think the other reason I hate this show is tall handsome dudes pretty much all look the same to me. I’ll can’t feel emotionally invested in the characters because I’ll never keep these douches straight: they’ve already blended together into an amorphous blob of hormones and hair gel, high-fiving itself and leering at her.

Chris tells us there’s a first impression rose! NOWAI?

Emily walks into the room where the guys are arrayed. “Golly I’m nervous,” she says in her little girl voice. Ugh. She tells them all to not be nervous because she knows “it really can work.” Based on… what?

Balcony guy tells her he has a titanium face now but he’s messing with her. I like him. The guys indoors toast each other “to the hottest mom in the world.” A dude gives her a bobble-head of himself. I dunno why. Oh, and he has one of her. This is… creepy. “Are you ready? We’re going to do a little scene.” Oh, phew, luckily he’s taken this to a MUCH CREEPIER PLACE.

Ostrich egg guy. Memo to the dudes: the one with the bizarro schtick (girl with fangs, guy in mask, slut who banged the producers) doesn’t last.

Jef the super-cool rebel rolls his eyes and says, “Oh my gosh that was so dumb” when she mentions the skateboard, because he’s like, already over himself? God I hate him. I want him to die in a fire. After falling off a balcony.

Single dad is getting some face time. His son wrote a note for Emily. It’s really long. Please don’t read the whole thing. No. Please. Stop. Ugh. Oh god. Make it stop. Stop it. She’s going on.

Emily says it makes her want to craaaah.

—

“We’re all deep-down inside killing to get that first impression rose,” says some dude. I don’t know what that means.

Helicopter guy feels he’s got in in the bag, since he flew in. His face is, like, make of shiny plastic. He’s talking about his mom. A guy comes up and asks for some Emily time and helicopter won’t surrender her.

Helicopter joins the other guys and someone is picking a fight with him after repeating what just happened to the other bros. We’re supposed to hate helicopter dude which is fine because I hate all of them right now.

Race car guy is telling her he’s a driver so she won’t freak. She tells him it’s fine as long as he’s never gets in a plane. No, she doesn’t, but that would have been funny.

She has the first-impression rose… She grabs Doug the single dad with the letter from the son. Man, that kid thing worked! I’m going to get myself a kid so I can pick up chicks. Actually, my niece is flying in to town in a couple weeks to visit… hmm.

—

Rose ceremony. Chris addresses all the assembled dudes and says, “I can already see she’s made a BIG impression on all of you,” and I’m imagining he’s looking at all of their erections.

Emily said something. Now she has a rose.

Chris! I dunno. Why don’t they label them. He’s a… guy?

Ryan! He… is the guy having the poofy hair day.

Kaylan! The luxury-goods helicopter guy.

Arie! He’s raced into her heart! Get it? Hope he doesn’t crash and burn!

Charlie! He’s wearing a linen suit that’s very wrinkly.

Jef! Douches love roses.

Nate! No idea. He seems nice. Maybe he was the nice one?

Sean. He’s blonde and has spiky hair. There always has to be one.

Joe! I dunno. He has wavy hair?

Kyle! Kyle has big veins in his temples.

Aaron! He’s a man.

Allejandro. Dude also.

John. Who? What?

Allessandro. Really? We have both of those names?

Michael! He’s the guy with the super-long hair. Ugh. Fucking hippies.

Stevie! He’s wearing a green shirt and hates helicopter guy. He looks poor.

Tony. Tony is pretty ugly.

LAST ROSE, BITCHES.

Egg dude remains.

Travis! Travis with the egg. Sure, the crazy schtick gets you past the first rose ceremony, because it’s good TV to have the wackos, but you’ll get cut.

Some dude says thanks. The black dude was cut the first episode. Mole dude is saying his six kids will be sad. I told you not to get attached to him. He’s not attractive and has six kids.

Jean-Paul the marine biologist is sad. Yah. I guess I called that one, too. It’s almost like they don’t select for smart people on this show.

Emily gives a generic toast and I’m worried that with this many douches she’s going to develop a yeast infection.

“After the Final Rose”

Chris’s introduction totally slams Courtney right out of the gate. Also, Ben. Wow. Ok, I can’t even type this fast. So, he’s all, minutes ago (I guess this was aired just after the finale) Ben did what America hoped he wouldn’t and asked Courtney to be his wife, and America loves to hate her and also Ben had to watch her be a big bitch on TV since he asked her to marry him and oh also Ben might be having an affair already and we’ll talk about that tonight.

Wow. The problem with recapping the aftermath episode is they are such a train wreck there’s really not a lot to make fun of. “Hah-hah! Your train came off the rails and killed hundreds of people!”

Chris says: “Given the sensitive nature blah blah, we ask that our studio audience and viewers at home withhold their judgment and allow Ben and Courtney to speak openly.” Yah, I don’t think they can hear my scorn from here, Chris. Also, if you want to be sensitive, maybe don’t televise this? I dunno, just spitballin’.

Let’s start with Ben’s side… welcome back Bachelor Ben Flanneblegen. Ben and Chris seem very chummy. One of the many things that I find offensive about this show is how the Bachelor can absolutely do no wrong in the host’s eyes: the women are always to blame for everything. We’ll sit here and rip on Courtney and Blakeley but we won’t talk about what a big dumb man Ben is, oh no. He’s the Bachelor! America’s most eligible cave-man!

Ben’s washed his hair but not cut it. Still looks like ugly Tarzan. Ben says he’s still in love with Courtney, but something seems very off. Chris is talking about all the bitchy things Courtney did, and Ben’s all yup, you’re right, sure… he totally admits it.

Chris asks Ben why he didn’t listen to the women, and Ben says, “I did listen to the women.” Right… except, wait a second, I remember when Emily told you Courtney’s a bitch you raged at her and told her she needed to chiggity-check herself before she wrecks herself. And every time after that, when Emily even mentioned the argument, you got all angry again. That’s “listening” in cave-man.

Chris: “Were you ever embarrassed of her, or maybe even embarrassed yourself, of what happened?” BURN. Ben demurs with, well, I wish America could have seen what I saw in her. Chris keeps hammering on him. “She said those things.” Ben’s all, “I told you before, I wish she could have been more gracious.”

Just admit it, Ben. There’s even a support group for you. MY NAME IS BEN FLABENPEN AND I AM IN LOVE WITH A HUGE BITCH. Hello Ben, and welcome. You should meet some of my exes!

Now Ben admits he broke up with Courtney when the show aired. Because of the negativity. It spoiled the wonder of their romance. Apparently they didn’t talk for a few weeks. Ben needed to “reassess” which I assume means “my new Hollywood agent wants me to not be with someone America hates.”

Ben denies being with other women, despite photos of him being with other women. He says they are old photos and/or just women friends from San Francisco. I just looked and honestly the photos don’t seem very compelling.

—

Courtney time! She comes out wearing a very shiny white latex-y minidress.

Right out of the gate, Chris points out that she just got boos and only a “smattering” of applause. Ouch.

So far Courtney is pretty composed. She’s rehearsed her answers pretty well by now. She gives the same lines about pressure of being with 25 women in one house and not handling it well and blah blah blah.

Apparently Ben broke up with her a little before Valentine’s day. Waaah. He didn’t even send flowers! Double-waah. I think she’s winning the audience with this.

Courtney feels that Ben’s abandoned her. Uh-oh. She kept trying to contact Ben after they broke up, but he rebuffed her, she says. I dunno if you guys have noticed, but Ben’s a tiny leetle bit of a self-important ass.

Now Courtney is crying. She said she and Ben are together now, except maybe, except she doesn’t know. After the break: Let’s bring out Ben and steer these trains into each other on national television.

—

Let me take a break here and point out the logistics of this show. They film all the episodes months in advance of airing, so the Bachelor and the final several women are sent back into the wild and  told to stay separate from each other and not tell anyone who was selected until the final episode is aired.

So even though Ben “proposed” to Courtney and they were all flush and happy and excited, Ben and Courtney then had to go home by themselves and watch the entire series air, alone. And they had to read all the rumor sites and insulting blogs (ahem) and just suck it up and say nothing.

Sure, they can call each other. And e-mail. But let’s imagine you get home from the giant whirlwind tour of the world, and you’ve had all this attention and all these cameras and fabulous food and love and excitement and fantasy dates and private concerts and sunsets and beaches and mountains and adrenaline and dopamine and all that good stuff, and suddenly you’re alone in your house and you’re being ripped to shreds on national TV and you’re coming off your high and starting to wonder, uh, just what exactly have I gotten myself into? Do I really love this person?

The Bachelor says it’s about finding love, but the way it’s structured it’s almost impossible for any relationships to survive the airing of the show.

—

We’re back. Chris says: “For the first time, together in public…” Ben comes out. He greets Courtney… politely? Ben bugs me. I think he’s playing poker. At least Courtney wears her bitch on her sleeve.

Also, Ben’s so damn ugly. I mean, if he were smart or interesting or charming or something, I’d feel bad about making fun of him. But, seriously, why does anyone think he deserves better than Courtney? I mean, she’s bitchy, but she’s affectionate to him and at least good-looking. So, if you’re adding up scores for each of them, she’s kind of ahead, but Chris acts like Courtney is a boat-anchor tied around Ben’s neck.

Chris prods Ben so he’ll dis Courtney in front of her. Then Chris prods Courtney about whether she trusts Ben.

“If we’re able to BE together… that was the root of the problem was us not being able to be together,” says Ben. Hey, it’s almost like I called it, guys. Seriously, I wrote that stuff above before he said this.

Chris wants some ratings magic. He asks Courtney if she has no doubts, and she says, “um.” Chris says, can you look her in the eye and tell her you’ll be there for her forever? Ben says he does lurve her and he should have stayed beside her and he apologizes.

I’m not really clear on why he decided to break up with her, honestly. Oh god I have the worst headache right now. I don’t really think it has anything to do with the Bachelor, I just had a couple drinks earlier. 

—

Miracle Whip™ is reduced to offering us free samples if we’ll just try it. I will not.

—

They waste several minutes replaying Ben’s proposal to Courtney, which the normal audience just watched 28 minutes ago. Ben’s all teary now. His eyes are very moist. Courtney is openly crying.

Ugh, the camera is zooming in on Ben to show his tear-filled eyes. NO ZOOM! PLEASE NO ZOOM. His “beard” is so scruffy. He’s what I imagine the guy inside the pedobear costume looks like.

Ben says nothing was wrong with “us” it was just the rest of the world being SO MEAN. I honestly don’t get this. I guess I’m kind of a myaverick (say it like Sarah Palin) but if I met some gal and I was nuts about her and the world said mean things I’d tell them to get stuffed. I’m a simple man, with simple math, and it goes like this:

1) You have mean things to say about my girlfriend and think I should dump her?
2) Interesting. Would you be interested in performing oral sex on me, in her stead?
3) No? I see. Well, I will file your opinion in the proper location, then.

Chris starts fishing for a re-proposal on live television, because he wants a bow on this sucker.

Chris: “Here’s the thing, usually we have a happy couple here, and there’s a ring on her finger. Um… I’ve been carrying something all day.” Chris reaches into his jacket and pulls out a ring box in a totally unscripted moment HA HA HA HA HA j/k not really.

Chris hands the ring to Ben, “What do YOU want to do with this.” Courtney is about to lose her shit. “Are you engaged? Is that where the relationship is? And should she have a ring on her finger?”

Ben says, “Yah, it is” and puts the ring on her and that’s that. Wow, that kind of petered out.

Coming up: Ashley and JP have had their share of troubles but they’re coming on TV to tell the breathless public that they’re back together or something. Mmmmm-naaaah. I think we’re done, here.

First off, they did “The Women Tell All” last week, which had all the ladeeez lined up on a stage and complaining. Amazingly nobody got an eye scratched out.Or at least, not on camera.

Since this is just a recap show, so I’ll zip through it:

KCB was wearing a super-low-cut cross-your-heart-dress and I still love her and she’s still a bit broken up about Ben but she’s got fire within her and honestly she’s going to be great. Also I’d totally tell her to hit me up on da telephone but I’ve decided I’m dedicating this post to Emily and I don’t want to dilute my message so I’ll just say KCB is great and leave it at that also thanks for the extra cleavage KCB love you you’re great.

Courtney actually showed up (even though she’s in the final two, and “tell all” is filmed in semi-real time) and she cried the entire time about how sorry she is that she was a huge bitch to all the girls. I’m sure she is sorry — she’s sorry she’s such a sad and insecure person. However, that sorrow and insecurity aren’t going to be cured by this one incident. The next time she’s challenged her life-long protective mechanism of being a huge bitch is going to snap right back into place.

There were two cool moments where the women said things that indicate they might have read this tubmlrrrr:

• Nicki said she knew she was in love with Ben when she was able to “Say the words ‘falling in love with him’ without backpedalling out, because I would always say, ‘On the way to, en route of, falling in love with – you know, and then finally I said, ‘Fallling in love with’” and if you’ve read this tumblrrrrrr you’ve seen me mock her weaselly declarations of love every week.

• Then Emily (purr, Emily… seriously, call me! That number I gave at xxx is real – it goes to a Google voice mailbox and my assistant will read it and get me the message and it won’t be awkward I swear I’m successful and nice and would treat you with respect and I have three fuzzy cats) is put in the “hot seat.” Which would normally be a euphemism for “my pants” but in this case means she gets to rag on Ben solo, which is awesome.

In her retrospective (you SAW or READ ABOUT IT ALREADY) she talks about how she liked Ben even though Ben was all into Courtney McCourntface and tells her to “tread lightly,” but then she says to Smarmy McPantsface, “I really liked Ben coming into this… [then talks about him skinny dipping with Courtnface]… and the second piece is he said to me ‘tread lightly, and you might not know me as well as you think you do.’ The type of guy that I’m looking for would have said, ‘Emily, I respect your judgment, and I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way, please come to me with these kind of things’ and that’s not what Ben said to me.”

Hey Emily: I WOULD SAY EXACTLY THAT. So call them digits, girl.

Emily says if Ben does choose Courtney “he’s made his bed, he can lie in it” which I also said except I think I added the words “with a cold-hearted cuntface” which I guess they can’t say on TV. Also Emily used “lie/lay” correctly and did I mention she’s smart and pretty and I would treat her with respect & honor and I can cook and I am funny?

—

Also Stripper McGee complains a lot about Courtney calling her a stripper which is I think is kind of funny because honestly let’s face it “VIP Cocktail Waitress” is not really above stripper, per se (if it’s even a real profession). Look, I’ve dated a stripper or two. I liked them! They were nice and smart and funny and great. It doesn’t make you inherently a bad person to make money off of your body any more than if you make it off your mind, although using your body can be really hard on your self-image so I don’t recommend it. But seriously, Courtney, be honest about it. If you’re a “VIP Cocktail Waitress” (I’ve never met one nor heard of this before) with huge fake boobs lets admit you’re making money off being attractive, OK? Don’t pretend you’re somehow above strippers. Your work may be more rewarding, but does that make you a better person? I think the person who’s doing the tougher job should get more credit, myself.

—

AND NOW: THE EXCITING FINALÉ of The Bachelor!

Ben comments the Matterhorn is “behind him,” and I’m wondering if he’s saying he’s over Courtney, because his only possible excuse for touching her “doesn’t matter, was horny.”

Ben has TWO beautiful women here! I mean, there! Wherever! By the Matterhorn. He’s babbling about how much he likes Lindsey. And then Courtney. Recapping. It’s what’s for dinner! Sure, I’ve made that joke before, but they’ve recapped before, so meh.

Courtney is showing petting a strange cat while he mentions she’s been a huge bitch to the other women — come on, editors, try to tell me you’re not intentionally softening up her image. Try it.

Ben voiceovered “I love… BOTH women that I have here!” at apparently two or three different recording sessions. Maybe he just can’t form complete sentences without pausing?

Montage of Ben and the girls flopping around in town looking wistful. ARGH IT’S THE PIANO MUSIC! No lyrics yet. OH GOD THERE THEY ARE. “This year’s lovin’… adalays!” I have no idea what the fuck that means. God I hate this song. WHY. WHY EVERY EPISODE MUST YOU PLAY THE THIS YEAR’S LOVING SONG?

The Matterhorn gives Ben hope! Sure. It probably reminds him of the caves his people lived in.

His mom and sister Kloe Kardashian have been flown in to advise him / make this more awkward. Ben cries. Ben confessionals that he cried. OH GOD SO BORING NOTHING IS HAPPENING. Now they’re talking. He has two women! This is new info for all of us, I know. The family is tasked with giving him perspective!

“We are Ben,” says his mom, because she shares his problems with sentences and inflection. “We are here for you.”

Lindsey is first! She lights up a room. He’s said this twice in ten minutes. He says he needs more time with her to see if she’ll “open up.” Heh heh. This’ll be a theme.

Kloe asks, “Was there a girl that was more dramatic, or that the other girls didn’t like?” because the producers gave her notes ahead of time and she’s not the most subtle club in the arsenal. Ben looks surprised. “Yah!”

It’s amazing Ben can be on the show and not see the producers’ hands in events at this point. Especially because he can literally see the producers’ hands. I mean, they’re right in the room with him and the camera guys and lighting guys and sound guys.

“There was and there still is! It’s Courtney! And she’s here.” Ben explains that in his one-on-one time with Courtney he’s seen no evidence of her being bitchy to other women. No, no, just let that one sink in.

Kloe says, “But at the same time you have to be weary of the girl that doesn’t get along with other girls — that’s kind of a red flag.” You might think Kloe meant “wary,” but maybe she literally means it’s incredibly tiring to be with a woman who’s a snatch to all other women. Who am I to judge a sasquatch’s grammar?

Tension music plays as Ben voiceovers how important it is his family likes whoever he likes! Christ. Where does this family find all these mama’s boys? With my Dad (who reads this — hi Dad!) I’m like, “Hey, check out this picture of the hot gal I’m doing” and he’s like, “Good job, son” and that’s that.

—

Lindsey is walking up the road. She finally found a nice coat for being in Sweden or wherever. Good jorb, Lindsey! Time to meet the family!

Ben tells the horse story for the second time this episode. God’s sake, man. Grow some new stories.

They’re eating lunch… it’s some kind of haute cuisine. Unfortunately Lindsey voiceovers she has a fear of fine dining. No, I’m not kidding.

Well played, Lindsey. You’ve avoided the helicopters for another day.

Ben’s mom (yikes! battleaxe!) corners Lindsey and they chat. Mom doesn’t smile much. Eek. Lindsey is so sincere. Mom sighs loudly to get out of the conversation early.

Kloe grabs Lindsey by the hair and drags her onto the patio. “Ugh, Kloe talk with pretty girl! Ask girl how she keep her toe claws so pretty!”

No, not really. Ok, she asks some question or another. It’s just blabber. Are you afraid of marrying him or some damn thing. Kloe says, “I need a little scoop on — I know you don’t want to talk about the other girl…” Yes! Let’s get some dirt, sister.

Lindzi says, “Courtney is… she’s very different than myself.” Ugh, Lindsey, your grammar. Were you raised in a barn? Oh wait sorry.

Lindzi: “I’m more of a people person,” [and Courtney is more of a bitches bitch].

Kloe tells Ben: “She wants to give herself to you.” TEE HEE. “Once you open that floodgate” TITTER TITTER “that… you know… it’ll be really great.”

Ben says, “I loved being with her, and Lindzi could be my wife!” Camera watches Lindzi’s butt leave. Not the best butt ever. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s a pretty woman, but I’ve been pretty spoiled in the butt department, and Lindzi’s butt doesn’t make my top 10.

Look, it’s like with kittens. You know how everyone is all, “Aww, kittens! So cute!” Well, eventually you’ve seen enough kittens you’re like, “Ok, these kittens are fine, sure, but all kittens are nice, and as far as kittens go these particular ones aren’t that great.” You get picky.

Speaking of, Ptera is asleep beside me on the bed and she puts her head between her legs when she naps so I reach over and I can’t tell which is the head and which is the tail when I pet her which is awkward. Because you try to scratch the head and you’re like, wait a second, what am I scratching?

Oh, and the family sums up that Lindzi seems nice and Courtney already seems horrible and they’ll see each other tomorrow.

—

Morning time in Switzerland / Sweden. Ben’s wearing a huge knit sweater which is all the style in whichever country this is. Man, I’m so not going there. Know what I don’t like? Is countries where everyone has to wear giganto-sweaters.

The fam has gathered and is talking about how bad Courtney must be. Oh, boy. “Red flag” is said for the third time this episode.

Courtney arrives. Ben says, “What I need today is for my mom and my sister not to pre-judge her.” Uh, yah. That ship? Sailed. I dunno how you missed all the horns and confetti and stuff.

“If she can be herself — the Courtney I know — it will help… put… some of my concerns to rest.” Here’s a hint: if you have to define what you mean by “being herself” then you’re dating a psycho. Like if I were to say to you, “I hope tonight my new girlfriend can be herself — the girl who doesn’t drink too much and stab me in the face — so we can have fun!” then that’d be kind of a red flag, wouldn’t it?

Mom says, “Oh just so that word ‘model’ is like ‘Hmm!’” Courtney says the girls got judge-y. Kloe asks if maybe Courtney did something, like maybe being too quiet? Hee hee. Too quiet. That’s a good one.

Kloe grills Courtney on the porch. (Not literally: Ben’s tribe hasn’t discovered fire yet.) Courtney gives her “I put a guard up” explanation. There’s a lot of mmm-hmm yah mm-hmm yah mmm yah from Courtney, which I think is edited in because it’s TOO much.

“Hopefully I can trust your word on that,” says Kloe. Courtney says, “I think I’ve kind of told you everything!” Oh man, fight’s a-brewing. But nothing happens.

Now the mom. Courtney says Ben is funny and smart. Wow. If Ben is your idea of funny and smart… just wow. She waxes on about Ben so much that I wonder if she’s auditioning for Karate Kid V – A Matterhorn of Honor.

The sappy piano music starts! That’s our queue to believe that Courtney is sincere and has changed and is a new person and will never be a huge bitch again amen.

Kloe says, “First impression is I’m shocked…” TENSION MUSIC. Does Kloe hate her or love her? “…I’m blown away…” Ben’s expression is all “NOT SURE IF…”

Kloe: “She’s a really amazing girl.” Kloe confessionals that she learned a lesson today in prejudice. Aww. The Less You Know™!

“You can’t judge a book by its cover.” But can you book a covergirl for her poor judgment?

Ben says, “Courtney surprised my mother and my sister!” Happy music plays as they all say goodbyes. The bar was set low on this one… I mean, I wish my only goal on a date was, “Try not to be a huge bitch to everyone.” I feel like I could nail that.

—

Miracle Whip™ ad. Good-looking sandwich on pumpernickel. Stuff’s still nasty. Don’t care. Nasty.

—

Ben hugs his family. I’ve determined Ptera’s head is closest to me. I can just reach over slowly until I hit fuzz and I’m safe.

The family is recapping their dates with the girls. Ugh. Talking. Still talking. Talking. Kloe on Lindzi: “It’s hard for everyone to be vulnerable.” Anyone. It’s hard for anyone, sweetie.

Dammit, now I want a sandwich after that Miracle Whip™ ad. Not that I’d want that nasty shit on it, but damn.

Now they mention the DEAD DAD. Tense music starts. What would he ask about the girls? I’m going to go ahead and guess (based on my life) that he’d say, “Which one gives better head? Uh-huh…. interesting. Does either cook? Ok, lightning round: nicer tits? Firmest butt? Legs? BZZT!”

Mom says, “Weighing the two is very difficult.” I doubt it, they probably are about 190 together, any scale could handle them.

Ben kisses his family off. He says it’s not over! He’s got two dates! Oh god. So much left to recap. No sandwiches in sight.

—

Now we’re in Zermatt, Switzerland. Maybe this means the Matterhorn is in Switzerland and not Sweden, but I think it’s equally likely they just took a helicopter to a neighboring country.

Speaking of equines and neighing, Ben pulls up in a horse-drawn carriage. “More horses,” he exclaims. He really is a golden retriever. “Look! I am eating poop! See!”

“I love them!” says Lindzi. Of this, we are sure: Lindzi loves horses. Never has any show had more of a moral than this show does, and that moral is this: Lindzi + 🐎 🐎 = 💖.

Ben and Lindzi are riding through the city. I just realized he’s so unattractive that he’s making me feel a lot more handsome. He’s a real confidence booster. Maybe the Bachelor is like Japanese porn, where all the guys have really tiny dicks so the viewer never feels bad about the size of his. (Don’t call me racist! It’s a real thing!)

Ben and Lindzi are gondolaing up the Matterhorn to go skiing, but then the gondola stops. Lindzi’s response is, “I know this is the place and time to open up to Ben.” What, in front of the cameramen and everything?

Talking. Talking. They’re still fully clothed. They’re more than fully-clothed, actually, they’re wearing parkas and shit.

Lindzi: “You think I’ve been more open? This thing is really hard for me. And if it wasn’t I would question myself!” Gals get insecure when it’s not hard. Uh, not that I’d know. (Also: ”weren’t.”)

Ben: “For me I look for that thing that keeps me going.” Well, Ben, I try to think about baseball. Lindzi says she wants to keep giving him everything. Hee hee.

Skiing. Sort of.

—

Nighttime. Ben visits Lindzi at her “casa.” Hanging out on couch. Blabber. Lindzi says, “You wanna know what the great news is? It’s only going to get better.” I didn’t emphasize that because it sounds dirty but because I agree. Relationships really do get better when you stay in them. Sex does, too! Assuming you’re in a good relationship, that is. I mean, if you’re not, bail. Christ.

Lindzi is saying “you want to open up for and let yourself feel things you’ve never felt” about something and man everything she says is a thinly-veiled reference to sex. I mean, this veil is so thin she’d get arrested by the Taliban if she went out in public in it. (What, too soon?)

Piano music plays as Lindzi tells him she lurves him and wants to be his fiancé. Ben voiceovers it’s tough not being able to tell her he loves her. (And he can’t because…?) Now they’re saying goodbye. Pianos. Music swelling. Smooch. Smoooooch. Smoooooooooch.

Coming up: A HELICOPTER RIDE. Who’d ‘a thunk?

—

We’re now in Zermatt, Switzerland. Wait, we just were. Well, I guess Zermatt needs all the publicity it can get.

Courtney says hi to Ben outside. I hate the way she sing-songs her way through normal conversations. “Hiiiiieeeee!” “How are yoouuuuuuu!” Ugh.

Helicopter! Courtney laughs, “We’re taking a helichopper, aren’t we?” Aw, weell twalking baby twalk now.

Ben confessionals, “The helicopter ride with Courtney is top ten coolest things I’ve done in my life.” I’m assuming he doesn’t mean it’s actually all ten, but I’m also assuming if he’s this excited the other nine slots must be filled with his other helicopter rides with hos.

Ben adds, “I’m hoping that our relationship is progressing to new heights.” Ow! My metaphor! I think I strained it!

Ben’s supposedly cooking lunch on a snowy mountain. And Courtney has a zit! I just want to mention this because I know it’ll make her crazy. Actually I don’t see any food on the grill Ben was poking with his tongs. I’m not sure he understands “cooking.” Honestly, I’m not sure he understands “fire.”

Courtney keeps talking baby talk. Ugh. Stab me. No, wait, stab her. Why should I have to pay?

Triumphant music plays as Ben and Courtney sled down the mountain and frolic.

—

Nighttime in Zurgenmatt or wherever. Courtney’s wearing a low-cut sweater and THANK YOU FOR AT LEAST TRYING CHRIST I’m going into bikini withdrawal here.

Ben knocks on her door and Courtney welcomes him to her “abode.” Does everyone in the world say either “casa” or “abode?”

Kissing on the couch. At least they don’t talk much. But they added her voiceover saying she is trying to trust him blah blah.

She has a gift for him! Spoiler: It’s not her snatch - we saw an actual wrapped gift earlier. (Speaking of, Emily had a gift for rapping, but she got the boot for being too smart.)

Oooh, she made him a journal cataloging their time together! Oh my gosh! This is exactly WHAT I NEVER WANT ANYONE TO GIVE ME. Why the fuck do women do this every season? It’s batshit insane.

Oh, she’s written him a letter, too. And she’s reading it. I’m gagging. Now I don’t even want a sandwich. Wait, what am I saying? Yes I do. I’m sorry, sandwich, baby. You know I love you.

Still reading. Courtney reads her letter quoting Ben saying, “You feel like home to me.” Letterception!

Back on the couch. Courtney, “Do you have any… concerns?” AWKward. Bells in the background. It’s pretty late. 10? 11? 12? This is a lot of bells. Still going on. It’s like 200-o’clock in Zaparmatt. She’s still talking and bells are STILL ringing. Are these, like, prayer bells? Now he’s talking. Bells. Wait, is this the musical score?

Shit! I think that’s the score. Now I have no idea what they just talked about. BELLS. They’re back! I think they’re trying to build tension, like they’re arguing again. Ben seems kind of discouraged with her because she mentioned something about girls or something. I bet he’s just annoyed by the bells. If they’re not in the soundtrack. I have no idea.

Courtney’s crying in confessional after her date. Who knew she was such an emotional wreck? Oh wait, I DID.

—

Maxwell House ad makes fun of french presses for having a “plunger.” I guess the kind of person who would drink Maxwell House would also not understand that different plungers have different uses. Also, probably has to unclog their crapper a lot.

—

Morning shot of a bell, now still. Bird tweets. Oop, bells go off. Mountain! City! Ben walking!

“I have a really difficult decision to make today!” It’s time for him to recap the girls. You know what? I’ll spare you. The best part of this is the montage they are showing is all shot in super-fuzzy-vision. Because it’s memory, see!

Single bell tolls to indicate death: “It’s moments like this that I wish my dad was around.” Were.

Now Lindzi is getting the fuzzy-memory treatment. All his memories are of her and horses.

Visiting Lindzi, she talks over a fuzzy montage of her and Ben. Which I feel like we just did? Except now it’s Lindzi talking, which makes it totes different, ya’ll. Totes.

Courtney opens the blinds wearing a tiny nightie. Bitchy girls: at least they dress nice. Her memories are super-saturated as well as being fuzzy.

Ben again. Looking over the city. Piano. “These women are so extraordinary that they’re making it really difficult on me.” The cameraman captured a hawk in flight at some point and the sound guy added in the standard red-tail “kee-eeeeeee-ar” sound cue that you’ve heard a thousand times. SO LAZY.

The ring-guy comes by Ben’s chalet to “sell” Ben an “engagement” ring. I don’t know how this guy keeps a straight face with all this meta. This is one of the oddest parts of the program. The producers are like, “Chicks like rings. We gotta show some kind of ring shopping. It’s like porn for them.”

Ben picks a ring and puts on his dumping suit. Courtney and Lindzi are pictured in their chalets worrying. The town bell strikes something-o’clock. Lindzi and Courtney are montaged dressing up. Lindzi decides to put an enormous green felt cloak over her dress. A bold decision.

Ben’s climbing a mountain… to a helicopter! Of course! But wait, Courtney is in a different helicopter! And now Lindzi is getting into a helicopter! You get a helicopter! YOU get a helicopter! HELICOPTERS FOR EVERYONE!

They’re all flying to a meadow with a view of the Matterhorn. Ben takes his place on a little altar they’ve made especially for dumping.

—

Chopper incoming! Somewhere Radar O’Reilly is perking up his ears. It’s Lindzi in her giant green cloak of +2 dumping.

Chris greets Lindzi. Lindzi’s black chiffon dress looks like she’s got a murder of crows fighting around her legs as she walks over to Ben and the altar.

Greeting. Ben seems nervous. Lindzi is all scared and babbly. His face is kind of scowly, but that might be because they have him looking into the sun. I guess they figure with his cave-man brow-ridge he’s more resistant to it.

If I were a betting man I’d say Lindzi’s going to get the dump. “It’s a little terrifying, I’m a little nervous, I’m not going to lie.” Ben starts recapping their relationship. I think this is literally the fifth recapping of their relationship during this show.

Ben tells Lindzi she’s the perfect woman and he’s in love with her and seen herself with her. And… sigh… “But… I need those moment to last a lifetime, and I’ve found that with someone else. I’m sorry. I’m in love with someone else.”

Lindzi’s holding it together. I’m amazed. Camera is zooming in on her. Twitch. Oop, she’s losing it. Ben walks her out. Sigh. SIIIGH. BIG SIGH. Ben, “I’m still shaking… I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” says Lindzi. Geez, when you have the girl telling you not to feel bad for dumping her, you really have her hooked. “If things don’t work out, call me?”

She walks away. “I feel like if he wanted to make it work with me, he would have.” Yes. Indeed. She boards the helicopter in her enormous cloak. Man, I thought she was just going to hold her arms out and glide off the mountain like a flying squirrel.

Sad music plays as Lindzi’s chopper flies away. Lindzi keeps her composure. Good on you, gal. You’re OK in my book.

—

Ok, we’re in the home stretch, people. You can do this. There’s a rose on the altar AND Ben is fondling a ring. Guys, you need to sort out your symbols, OK?

Courtney is wearing a white wool cloak, but it looks like one a Kennedy wife would wear. Geez, way to give the good cloak to Courtney, producers.

Chris walks her to Ben. Courtney voiceovers that she’ll say yes if Ben asks her to marry him. So, that spoils that surprise?

Music swelling. Courtney is wearing a nice black dress. I just remembered I still have Indian take-out in the fridge. Chicken tikka masala. Actually I guess that’s a British dish patterned after Indian food? I dunno. It tastes good.

Ben summarizes that they’ve been on a journey. Road, ups and downs, real signs, first date, same path, wavelength of sorts, moment, past present and future, top of the ruin, incredible moments. 

“I think you are an incredible woman, BUT I…” SHE LOOKS CRUSHED OH MAN THEY ARE BEING SO MEAN “I promised myself I wouldn’t get down on one knee again” TENSION MUSIC “unless I was certain it was forever.” 

WERE. “WERE CERTAIN.” GOD DAMMIT.

“And I want to tell you that you are my forever!”

The Ben says he’s all in love with her and gets down on one knee and Courtney looks like she’s going to pass out. Ben says, “Courtney, Will… You.. Marry me.”

Courtney, “Yes, of course!” Ugh.

Wait, what about the final rose? We saw a rose. Chekov’s rule, you dicks!

Oh, Ben pulls out the rose and asks her to accept it. That Adalay song plays. They kiss and smoosh. Now they’re talking straight to the camera. How odd.

The ONE song swells as the camera pull back and show Matterhorn in the distance. “Oh my god this ring is heavy!”

—

Well, now at least Jennifer Love-Hewitt is really free. Call me?

The Bachelor is brought to you with limited commercial interruption by: The CW on Hulu. Because on Hulu we buy our own ads.

How do we make money? The answer is simple:  Volume.

—

Tonight on the Bachelor: Tubs! Naked! Kissing! Naked kissing! Dumb hos! Socks! Sex! Disappointment! Fancy bright fade transitions! Plus, a sneak peek at Emily as the Bachelorette. HER HUSBEEEN IS DED!

All that tonight, on the Bachelor!

—

Ben is getting packed up to go Switzerland. He says he has three amazing women left. I can’t decide if they made him say “amazing” because “I have three mostly pretty idiots left” doesn’t sound as good, or if he wrote that himself because to a cave-man a ditzy dental-assistant seems like Rachel Kleinfeld.

Ben says he could “see a life with all of them.” I’m assuming he means that if he could marry all three ditzes at once they’d equal the intelligence of one normal woman, since otherwise he’d have said, “I could see a life with any of them.” 

Ben’s experienced “every emotion in the book.” Well, I happen to have a copy of the DSM IV here. Let’s see… Have you experienced Dyspareunia? No? Well, looks like somebody pants are indeed made of fire. Which, actually, could cause genital pain, so I guess it’s all good.

Ben gets more specific about the definition of every emotion: “Love. Anger. Sadness. Butt. I keep thinking about why I’m here.” (At least that’s how I heard it. Word for word!)

Now we’re recapping Ben’s time with Nikki as he thinks on a plane. Oh sweet god, we’re doing a clip episode. Christ, how hard is it for you lazy fuckers to generate new content on unscripted TV? Your shooting costs are like 50¢ an episode. Grab a Canon digital camera and follow a jackass to dinner. Bam. Your main expenses are, what, helicopter fuel and booze? Maybe I’d have more sympathy if you’d licensed more than one piece of music for the show or something.

Ima skip him talking about each girl in turn and flashing back to his fake dates as the plane flies to Switzerland because I think you’re smarter than the Bachelor thinks I am. There’s lots of kissing and inane talking, in case you’ve forgotten.

Oh, wait, there’s a scene where Courtney the model-cum-snatch (look “cum” up by tapping three fingers on your mousepad over the word if you’re on a new Mac — it’s actually a quite innocent word, ok?) are making out by a brick wall (in a steam room?) and she’s very topless. I, uh, don’t remember that from the show? If Ben ends up with either of the other girls Ima guess right now it won’t last long after they see this footage. (We in the Bachelor world call this “The Emily Effect:” when the gal you pick is so mad at you after she sees what a whore you were on the show that she breaks up with you.)

Whoa I just totally zoned out. Seriously. I was thinking about bugs in iCloud and stuff while Hulu was running and I have no idea what just happened. Ben’s… uh… walking down a street? Talking about how he has to make decisions. I guess he’s in Switzerland or Sweden or whatever. Look, this isn’t rocket science, or even Aperture Science. It’s not going to affect us so I’m just skipping ahead.

—

Ad for JCPenney starring Ellen is quite well done. I’ve found all these new ads to be refreshing, and effective at rebranding JCPenney as a fun, kind of quirky place to buy clothes at reasonable prices.

Good job, ex-Apple retail dude.

—

Nicki’s in Switzerland (see? mystery solved) and says, “I couldn’t imagine a more perfect place TO BE IN LOVE” because they mashed two sound clips together again like we’re idiots. 

Wow, she can open her mouth really wide. I’ve got to admit that adds a lot to her rating in my book. Because… you know.

They’re getting into a helicopter! WOW, that is UNUSUAL. Seriously, this show has more helicopter scenes than M*A*S*H. What? It was a TV show? Its finale was the highest-rated program of all time? Nothing? Ugh, kids today.

Hey, did you know The Simpsons just had their 500th episode? I mean, they’re already the longest-running show in the history of television, now they’re just showing off. Sorry, this has nothing to do with anything, but sometimes Matt Groening searches the net for his name and reads my blog so I just wanted to put this here to tell him how proud I am of him. Good job, pal!

OK WHAT IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE MISSING ANYTHING FINE so they get into a helicopter and Nicki says “To be in Switzerland is exciting and thrilling and the view is so majestic” because they don’t teach parallelism in dental assistant school.

“I felt like we were the only two people in Switzerland,” she adds, indicating they also don’t teach dental assistants how helicopters stay in the air. (Hint for any dental assistants reading this: pilots.) Maybe I’m being unfair… maybe Nicki just looked over at Ben and then forward at the back of the fucking pilot’s head and said “One… two… ok, I count two people in all of Switzerland!”

“When we hang out together YOU CAN FEEL THE LOVE” Ben says at apparently vastly different times as the second part of the sentence is a full octave lower. He’s making all kinds of helicopter puns about relationships having ups and downs and I really wish the producers would just let the fun activities stand on their own instead of trying to turn every fucking one into a metaphor for lurve itself.

Now they’re pig-nicking at the top of a mountain in a pretty neat mountain range. Nicki’s all shy around him (for now - I predict macking later). She voiceovers that “looking into his eyes,” she’s realizing she’s falling more and more in love with him, so I guess she’s saying she’s not falling in love with him at all since you can’t see his fucking eyes because of his idiotic greasy caveman bangs. Seriously, haircut.

Nicki is blabbering about how she felt feelings for Ben when she said she had feelings for him last week at her house and told him and her dad and she was wondering and it means so much to me and from what I’ve heard you say about your father and just before sometimes picturing life would be like after this met my family seeing you with my family so happy where we’re at where it’s going right SMOOCH TIME.

Christ. I mean, Nicki’s pretty as hell, but there’s just no way I could sit through all the blabber to get to the kissing part. I’ve booted gals out of bed who were a lot smarter. (But to be fair, some starfish are smarter than Nicki.)

I think a helicopter just flew them to a different mountain? I dunno. Look, I’m at TED this week, I’m totally exhausted. I have no idea what’s going on. I thought I could do this before I fly back tomorrow but this is turning out to be a SNAFU.

—

Nicki and Ben are walking to a barn or something. Log cabin? “It’s very romantic,” says Nicki, and I feel like her idea of romance isn’t sustainable. OH MY GOD she’s having him summarize their relationship so far, so she’s recapping AFTER he already recapped. Christ damn, this show has more recaps than TelevisionWithoutPity, who I’ve kind of obviously ripped off with this tumblr so I might as well talk about the elephant in the room.

Nicki’s a good flirt and honestly seems like a pretty nice girl. Not smart, but, let’s be fair, Ben’s tiny brain hasn’t really adapted to him recently learning to stand upright, so they’re not a mismatch.

But I’m bugged that they’re doing a two-camera for this dinner because they’re supposed to be getting to know each other in this intimate cabin but there are TWO different cameramen in their faces right now filming every word. Can’t we have, like, SOME reason to suspend disbelief? You’ve got to work with us, Bachelor producers. The Office seems more real than this show.

Ben confessionals he’s worried about giving Nicki the have-sex-with-me (my words) card because they need to create drama and Nicki keeps saying she’s crazy about Ben and in love with him so I wonder if she’ll be willing to bone him oh wait duh.

Also, what has it come to that we have a TV show where a single mildly retarded man (oh, god, I’m sorry, that wasn’t appropriate, I mean “a single completely retarded man”) hands cards to three different women asking them to fuck him? These are our last days, this is our colosseum. Release the lions.

He gives her an envelope and inside it is a note from Chris McSmarmyhost which is especially creepy because, look, I know Ben doesn’t actually cook the elaborate dinners or fly the helicopter or pack the pig-nick lunches or rent the cabins, but couldn’t he at least ask the girls to fuck on his own? I mean, seriously, I know you’re a cave man and your brain is shrunken but your testicles should be functional. Don’t you have a pair?

Here’s my guarantee to every woman: I will never ask you to have sex with me by handing YOU a card written by some random dude, for you to read aloud. This is my promise to you. Well, unless I’m on the Bachelor at some point, in which case, well, I guess I’ll have to. But, christ, what are YOU doing on the Bachelor? You made your bed, so now you’re going to have to lay in it. With me.

“Blah blah here’s a key to the fantasy suite if you choose not to go back to individual rooms” who cares no girl ever says no – even Emily the prude with the DERD HUSBEEN – because if say ‘no’ you KNOW your ass is going home immediately.

Here’s Ben just after she’s read the card and he’s said “what do you think?” all cool like, “Hey, my mom’s driving me to see the new John Carter movie and we have an extra seat if you want to go, no biggie… What do you think?”

She says, “I will accept this key.” Ben says he’s “very excited to spend some alone time with Nicki.” Oh yah? Huh.

The cameraman follows them into the fantasy suite. This actually is like some of my fantasies but I’m a little surprised the Bachelor went there. Spicy!

Nicki says, and I quote: “I have to say the thing that touched me the most today was that when you said about my father it reminded me reminded you of yours.” What? Look, I know I’m really tired, but I don’t think that’s English. I will read this tomorrow and see if it makes any sense. I have no idea what she’s saying. [EDIT: Nope, still don’t understand it.]

“I don’t know how to even express how much that makes me because you were close with your father.” Have you guys ever seen the output of the Racter program? Nicki is like a living Racter, but she’d racked (er!). Ba-dump-bump! I’ve been here all week, folks, try the fish it’s delicious because this is fucking TED and the food is pretty awesome.

Nicki’s wearing a low-cut frilly white nightie and I suspect he’s just nodding and shit as she babbles because he can see down her WOW OK the camera pulled back it’s a top not a nightie but it’s a LOT more low-cut than I thought. Christ even I’d have sex with Nicki right now and I just spent paragraphs dissing her which pretty much tells you everything you need to know about men and why we are such shits.

Ben takes her into the hot tub and she’s wearing a teal bikini and STILL TALKING and he’s still not saying anything and honestly woman: less chat more twat.

Also: I have a hot tub and I can say with some authority that if she’s wearing a bikini top you’re doing it wrong.

Ok, slurp slurp they kiss all wet and soapy in the tub.

—

Horsey girl’s turn in Switzerland with Ben. She’s wearing a light shirt and a see-through open sweater, Ben’s wearing a shirt and a hoodie and a zipped-up jacket and gloves. He looks like a total wuss.

Oh, hey, they’re going to be repelling! Do you suppose that they’ll realize that repelling is just like a being in a relationship, in that you just go lower and lower as you slide down your lifeline until you hit the absolute bottom and you realize that the ride is over for you?

Horsey says: “It’s a lot like stepping into a relationship, you know?” Damn did I call that. “Things get tough, people get scared… you gotta be there for each other. Just like repelling off a cliff!”

I like mine better. Also, producers: get some new ideas. Seriously, SO predictable. Also, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HAD THE GIRLS CLIMB UP OR DOWN SOMETHING THIS SEASON? Christ it’s like The Bachelor is sponsored by the REI. Which isn’t a bad idea, really. That one’s free.

Triumphant music plays as the two of them manage to not mess up being lowered on ropes by a team of men. Truly, they’re ready to conquer all of life’s challenges after mastering a task that could also be accomplished by, say, a sofa.

“Both Ben and I are crazily afraid of heights,” NEVER TELL THEM THAT. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS? Tell them you’re afraid of two-hour back massages with happy endings, or getting your heart broken by George Clooney. DUR.

Kissing. What the hell is this girl’s name? I dunno. Now they’ve teleported into a giant outdoor wooden hot tub. It looks pretty cool, but it’s lacking one thing my hot tub has, which is a certain je ne sais quoi called Wil Shipley. Also, too much caveman.

So, a caveman and a horse are in a hot tub… and the punch line is I’m watching. Horse girl is saying she was an ice girl and now she sees “this” working and she likes Ben and now more kissing.

Ben voiceovers “Tonight at dinner I have an invitation to give Lindsey [AH HA!] for uh, an overnight portion.” Yes. We saw you do that earlier (with Nicki) like five minutes ago. And we know the next one will have an “overnight portion” as well.

Also, whenever I go out with a girl from now on I’m going to be like, “How do you feel about starting the overnight portion of our date?” Because if you say S-E-X they startle and run off!

“I think tonight will be a telling sign of where I stand with Lindsey and I.” Translation: she’s toast if she doesn’t accept Kris’ Kreepy Key™.

—

Emma Stone: She’d be a huge dog without makeup! Remember that girls.

—

Now they’re at dinner. They’re coming down some fancy steps alone in a not-at-all posed only for the cameras scene. And now they’re eating alone in a huge room. I think I’d feel uncomfortable if every date I had with a girl it was just the two of us in a giant empty room.

Lacey or whoever is talking about how vulnerable she has become and how much she’s opened up. Hey, instead of wasting your time on this idiotic show, why not watch this amazing TED talk on vulnerability? Brené is totally awesome and funny, unlike, say, Lakshmi or whoever this is.

Ok, she says likes him and is falling in love with him. And she wants this to end with a proposal! She likes it and she wants a ring on it. Now’s the perfect time for Ben to whip out the “let’s fuck tonight” envelope. She opens it and reads, “Ben and Lindzi, I hope you’re enjoying your stay. Should you choose to forego your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. Chris.”

Lindzi: “Normally I… don’t just… go stay the night with anyone… but I… would love to.” Ah, my old friend “normally I don’t do this.” If it weren’t for those six magic words I’d never get any sex, ever.

The music swells as Lindzi admires the key’s craftsmanship. The cameramen are waiting in the suite! That’s got to kind of spoil the ambience. Smooching. Candles. Bad skin. Music swells to a shot of them getting in bed together pantsless.

“I feel like I’ve opened up so much and let him in so much.” Nope, too easy. “It’s the most vulnerable I’ve ever seen her!” Yes, pantsless will do that.

Ben shuts the door on the cameramen. I don’t understand why HBO doesn’t do a version of this show where we see the boning.

—

Ben voiceovers “I’ve had a really great week, but today is all about — ZRRRT — Courtney” in literally the worst sound mashup I’ve heard them do yet. Ok, I made up the record-scratch part, but, seriously, sound guys. Just stop. Don’t copy and paste parts of sentences. It sounds like shit. Just stop it.

He’s worried, you guys, about “how she’s treated the other women.” Yup. I bet that outweighs the, you know, times you guys boned in the spa and ocean.

They editors are softening up Courtney’s image for us, which makes me think at this point in the editing they’ve been told she’s won and they need for America to accept her. They’re playing happy inspiring music with her now instead of the “she’s a bitch” leitmotif she had before, and they have her exclaiming how pretty the Alps are and shit.

“It feels just like the two of us traveling around Europe together in this train car,” which means they apparently also don’t teach how trains work in modeling school. (Hint to models: engineers, conductors.)

Ben tells her they’re going to go shopping and have a pig-nick. Sweden or wherever is apparently the world’s destination for pig-nicking. Ben hasn’t shaved and he looks like crap, which isn’t really a new look but him but more of an extension of his pre-existing look.

Courtney confessionals: “There’s never a dull moment, and even when there is, silence is golden.” New game: drink every time Courtney says two clichés in a single sentence.

As they wander around this postcard town we hear Courtney again voiceover, “I feel baaad for treating the girls the way I have,” and I again assert she’s already won it at this point in the editing.

Also, does anyone know the difference between Sweden and Switzerland? I really don’t. I mean, some of my best friends are either Swiss or Swedish but I have no idea which. They act like it’s a big deal but, seriously, how the heck can I remember these things? Don’t they both have cows and mountains? What do they want?

Ben and Courtney appear to be arguing about what a bitch Courtney has been but the whole conversation has been cut to hell so who knows. The words they say and the order of saying them make no sense. In confessional Courtney is crying with her big professional model eyes.

—

Now an ad for Hulu’s ad swap. Which is the ultimate in meta because I hate this ad and want to swap it. Or maybe that was their intent all along? Like, it’s a tutorial?

—

Now they’re in a wine cellar somewhere. Courtney is still confessionalling what a bitch she’s been and how very, very sorry she is if it means she might lose Ben. So provisionally sorry.

“I’ve really had a great day? with you?” Wait, who are you asking? She wants to clear the air so now they’re talking about her being bitchy. It’s truly boring. Ben says he has lots of women friends and he’d like it if she’d support him and them. Decent point! Courtney admits she’s “been totally immature at times,” and violins are actually playing. I wonder if they’re the world’s tiniest?

Man, the editors are trying. Trying SO hard. “It came out of my mouth, though, and I’m not proud of that!” She keep apologizing, and as she wins him over and the piano comes in and the heartwarming music plays.

Now’s a perfect time to slip her the “slip it to her” card! She slowly ready the card inside. She throws it back in his face and asks him how he feels about it. Touché! Which is French for french kissing.

Shockingly, he says he’d like to be alone with her. Man, that was a surprise after the last couple times he boned her. I figured he’d never do it a third time.

Their fantasy suite is pretty rustic. Now, kissing. Now, tiny hot tub. Now, kissing IN the tiny hot tub. “I feel like I’m in a fairy tale?”

—

“AND NOW it’s a special sneak peak of our new Bachelorette, Emily Maynard!” Oh, we’re giving last names now, huh? I guess we’re admitting the net pretty much pwns these guys the first day they appear on TV.

We’re watching Emily being a single mom. Whee! Also fun: watching people do accounting.

Now: Clothes shopping! Makeover! Eeee! God, I wish I could just watch Glee instead. Now she’s watching Titanic 3D with two other Bachelorettes. They’re showing lots of clips. Of course, we can’t see the 3D, so, uh, this is kind of silly.

Ok, enough.

—

Ad for a Fran Drescher show on TVLand called “Happily Divorced.” True facts: I think she’s pretty damn sexy, and years and years ago (when it first launched) she followed me on Twitter. (I have no idea why.)

—

OH GOD THERE’S LIKE 24 MINUTES LEFT. COME ON.

All right people, emergency sanity mode. We need to start skipping stuff.

OH WAIT! Here’s KCB walking down a hall! Why is she in Sweditzlerland? She knocks on a door. Ben says, “Holy BEEEEP.”

She says, “I’m not sure I was expe-“ and then realizes she’s backwards. She’s really flustered. This is so mean. Come on, producers, you’re just being dicks now. This poor girl loved him. He dumped her. And now you’re going to bring her back just to pad out this show? You flew her around the damn world to humiliate her?

Mean.

Her voice is cracking. “I’m a hot mess.” I’ll say. Meow! She says she didn’t know what to say when he dumped her. She wants answers? “I wanted to see if… you could tell me what happened.” Oh, this hurts. This is not good. This isn’t entertainment. It’s cruel. KCB is nice.

Ben says, “I kind of felt like we were worlds apart? in where we come from?” He says their families are very different. What, because she has crazy-ass religious parents? Geez, man, those girls are the BEST in bed? What the fuck?

“Did I see you in the end? No.” Ouch. I’d like to see her in the end. I don’t even know what that means.

She’s going back to her parents being crazy, and not listening to him saying, “I just didn’t dig you that much.” Love does this shit. I’ve spent so much time trying to explain to girls (or myself) why they should like me instead of just saying, “Oh, I probably smell wrong, that’s cool, have a very happy life and so long.”

Now she’s going to tell him what a bitch Courtney is. NEWS FLASH: this isn’t news. “I feel like if you were to choose Courtney you would get your heart broken.”

I dunno if he’s buying it. At this point I want him with Courtney because they’re both kind of terrible and dumb and they deserve each other.

I don’t know if it’s the editing but he’s not saying anything and she’s going on and it seems very awkward. He walks her out. Well, thanks for flying around the world for a five-minute conversation! Wait, maybe they’re in an SF hotel? Or LA? Who the hell knows.

She collapses on the ground in the hall. This horrible scene brought to you by Closure™. “Closure: It’s not as great as you think!”

The music plays a “we’re hopeful that pain will pass” tune as if this was somehow helpful. Ugh. We didn’t even get KCB as the Bachelorette out of this. Such bullshit.

—

Ben confessionals he’s confused. I think it’s all the candles at his hotel. FIRE BAD. IT SCARES AND CONFUSES BEN.

Chris saunters in with a “hey man.” And now they’re going to talk about the KCB thing as if we didn’t just watch it. Also, because they fifteen minutes to kill and only two roses. So unless they play the suspenseful music for seven minutes for each rose they’ve got to PAD PAD PAD like they’re polydactyl cats!

Chris asks, “Do you want KC in the rose ceremony tonight?” which would be TOTALLY CRUEL but Ben shoots it down. Phew.

Date recaps. Skip.

—

Stouffer’s ad. “Mm, smells good! This calls for… wine!” I like how they act like adding wine to a meal must mean the meal is incredible. Here’s a thought: wine is just fun to drink, whether the food is crap or not. It’s like saying, “Wow, you’re writing a shopping list? Well, this calls for… me getting a blowjob!”

—

Ben’s staring at pictures of the girls sitting on books. Lindzi is coming down a giant staircase. He’s voiceovering how confused he is. Chris leads Nicki in from another room. Where the hell are we? Chris leads Courtney Ugh in from somewhere else. I like the idea they kept them all separated like plutonium.

Chris: “This is essentially the last rose ceremony.” Because next week Ben’s getting down on one knee! To fake propose!

Ben’s here. He shaved! He’s washes his hair! No haircut, though. He’s babbling about lives he wants part of his blah ugh. He’s not eloquent even with writers.

He takes the first rose and holds it in front of him like he’s about to cast expellorum sluttus.

Lindzi! “I would love to!” [If the next girl answers “Zug-zug!” Ima pee myself.]

Tension guitar plays. Then BONG! He’s made a decision.

Silence.

Courtney! No surprise. “Yes,” she whispers almost breathlessly. Then add “Mmm-hmm!” as she kisses him.

Nicki looks… pissed? Feel kind of bad about sleeping with him now, huh? Her eyes are very big and her mouth is screwed up sideways.

Ben walks her out. Well, good. Nicki’s a nice gal. She deserves a LOT better.

Ben: “It has nothing to do with you! I want you to know that.” I wonder who this decision DID involve? The pope? Joe Jonas? “I cried a little bit today, I’m not going to lie.”

She’s all class and wishes him the best. It’s all over but the crying, but on this show the crying can last like five minutes. No, really, there’s literally five minutes left in the show.

Sad piano is playing as she limos away.

How is Ben like a grape press? They’re both wine-making tools.

Ben tells the remaining girls they’re staying in Switzerland (ah ha!) and they’re going to some damn village by the Matterhorn. I guess they have to stick to tiny overseas villages so the identity of the last girl isn’t revealed.

Did you know the Droid RAZR now comes in PURPLE or WHITE? I can barely contain my excitement. Also, you can buy one and get one free.

This is just not a good way to sell your product. Imagine you were buying a car, and the guy was all, “Hey, if you buy this Kia, we’ll throw in another for free!” You’d be suspicious, right? I would.

—

Tonight on The Bachelor… skip… some gal’s dad… skip… All coming up tonight, on The Bachelor!

Lindzi Ridesalot is voiceovering that she’s only brought one guy home ever to meet her family. Wow. Tonight on Bad Idea Theater: the second guy you ever bring home is on a reality show and dating four or five other women.

You may recall the guy supposedly broke up with her by texting her “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.” She makes good decisions.

Lindzi’s on a horse (shock!) and Ben is watching her go round a track. Ben confessionals that he could see himself maybe kind of sort of falling for Lindzi and man she’s toast. Look, the only name you need to know from now on is KCB.

“It’s super-sexy seeing Lindzi on a horse!” Uh, ok. Ben says his Dad loved riding horses (also sexy?). You know… before… he… sniff.. died. They love dead people on this show.

So Lindzi sets them up on a chariot pulled by her horse, with Ben steering. “I have lived too long,” Ben says. No, he doesn’t. But it’s what I’d do.

Lindzi voiceovers, “I think today is a really Imp or Tent day,” which I think is a holiday they celebrate in the Harry Potter books? “Every time I put my heart out there and just really throw caution to the wind it HAS ended in a heartache.” Lindzi, you know “once” isn’t an “every time” kind of situation.

Lindzi tells Ben she lived with a man who she thought she was going to marry. He voiceovers he’s all happy she’s making herself vulnerable to him. Because, you know, more fun when he dumps her since he has no intention of picking anyone but KCB.

Ben and Lindzi chariot over to Lindzi’s parents’ house, because apparently where she lives everyone chariots everywhere. We get it: she likes horses. I mean, I like computers, but I don’t hook ropes up to my laptop and drag my dates around on top of it. Not before marriage, anyhow.

“This is my boyfriend, Ben!” Lindzi says to her parents. A bird calls out in the distance. What’s that? “AWK-ward!” “AwwWWK-ward!” Oh, it’s the cry of the common Awkward Bird.

Lindzi’s dad is a handsome dude. Maybe a bit domineering already. Mom’s got super-low-slung boobs. Avoid avoid avoid. CHECK THE MOM, DUDE.

Ben’s stunned that Lindzi’s parents met in San Francisco (“his” town) and got married at the city hall where he and Lindzi had their first date/dinner. “Unbelievable!” Ben voiceovers. “What are the odds?” Yes, it’s almost like someone knew something about Lindzi ahead of time because she had been extensively interviewed and then that same someone set up dates that had relevance to her. Proof of intelligent design, if you ask me. His Noodly Appendage has touched you and Lindzi, Ben.

Lindzi’s dad tells Ben that they “have a tradition at the cock’s household” (that’s how I heard it), and “what we like to do is have carriage races.” First off: this is the least believable tradition I’ve ever heard. Second: can you have a “tradition” when you’ve only had one guy over? Third: If so, I’m starting to get an inkling of why her first boyfriend dumped her. “Ok everyone! Time for our carriage races!” Ugh. 

There’s a huge course with giant cones. I guess living in the country, you have time to do crazy crap? I dunno. Ben and Lindzi lose which is surprising since he’s “Ben-durrrr” and all, so her parents make Ben and Lindzi drag them home in their carriage. Humiliation! It’s also a cock’s tradition.

Lindzi is talking with her mom, and voiceovers “it’s really in poor tent for my mom to see what I see in Ben,” which I think means that she wants her mom to know she’ll love Ben even if his wine business goes under because he’s a full-time reality star and they have to live in a teepee.

Ben’s mom says, “So how does it feel to be THE VISITOR?” She’s not a good actress and makes it sound like he’s Lindzi’s menstrual cramps. “We kept her away from boys and FOCUSSED on horses.” Well, I’m sold! Mom’s passive-aggressively saying she knew Lindzi’s first boyfriend was bad news. Poor chariot-race loser?

Ben voiceovers that Lindzi’s mom explaining Lindzi’s past helped him understand Lindzi’s past. Pa-dur. Nothing is worth doing on The Bachelor unless you introduce it, do it, and then summarize it. It’s like writing an essay in seventh grade.

Ben’s asks Lindzi’s dad for the potential to maybe ask for his daughter’s hand if he decides he wants it which he hasn’t yet. Dad deflects the question pretty well. Ben voiceovers her dad is “salt-of-the-earth,” like his parents. Well, your dad is just “of-the-earth,” Ben.

Ben and Lindzi say goodbye with smooches. The producers start playing the same fucking “this scene is emotional” piano tune that they apparently outright own the license to. No yodeling yet. I’m waiting. When it’s REALLY emotional they kick in the singer.

OK, PHEW. We’re safe. But, of course, this means Lindzi is toast.

—

KCB is confessionalling she wants to see Ben and love him and kiss him and hold him and shit. Ben walks up to a field (walking up a field is how he meets all his dates, I guess) in which KCB is twirling a baton behind a marching band. They play one number and she dismisses them. KCB jumps up into Ben’s arms like one of those tiny dogs.

KCB says they’re on the “Harold Bogartsky Field” which doesn’t trigger anything in Ben, and she adds, “So it’s named after my grandfather.” I guess he didn’t know the “B” stands for Bogartsky, either? To be fair, it’s hard to keep all his hos straight.

KCB is wearing a jacket that looks like a wing-suit. She’s droning on about her grandfather. And how he died and her grandmother died shortly after. I dunno about you, but she’s making ME horny.

KCB says her dad is a federal officer and a teetotaler… They milk that for four minutes. Not that interesting.

—

KCB’s mom looks good. Much better choice. Sister is pretty fine, too. DAMN fine. They all sit a table last-supper style for the cameras.

After dinner KCB sits down with her sister and says, “So Allison… That’s my future husband.” KC’s sure, but Allison wonders if her aim is true.

KC says she’s “so flipping happy.” LANGUAGE! Please. She voiceovers she hope her dad doesn’t queer the deal.

Ben sits down with Scary Dad. Editing makes it look like dad’s very hostile. “Don’t rush into anything.” Ben, “I’m not!” Jesus, dad, I’m dating like six chicks. How much slower do you want me to take it? Because I could probably squeeze Allison into the mix… KIDDING! Unless you’re cool with it. Come on, it’s not news to you your daughters are hot. I mean, you’ve lived with them. It’s not like you didn’t notice.

“AWK-ward.” Dammit there’s that bird again.

Ben says he something sanctity of marriage. Dad’s buying it? I can’t really tell because his Southern accent is so thick. I feel like I’m drowning in verbal mayonnaise. And I grew up in South Georgia.

Ben’s one-on-one with KC’s mom. She’s a fine-looking woman. Real handsome lady. Stay with KC. OH SNAP the mom is saying she’s watched The Bachelor and lots of times they move in together in California. I’m not clear if it’s the California or the living tog… Oh! No, it’s the living together. Damn. They are SERIOUS Bible-belters.

KC’s dad is talking to KC, and she knows how important “marriage ease,” and he wants her to make every decision “prayerfully and carefully,” and stresses she needs to get her own place if she moves to San Francisco. She blinks hard and nods “mmm-hmmm” when he says this. He says, “Correct?” and she blinks and says, “mmm-hmm” again. I may not be an expert in body language but I think she’s lying.

KC says she’s fallen in love with Ben and her dad looks like I look when people explain to me how accurate astrology is. He meanly says, “But is the other three girls have they fallen in love with him, too?” and looks smug at her out of proportion with how ill-worded his sentence was. She glances away and looks hurt, but says, “I dunno,” honestly.

She’s standing up to him pretty well. I like her moxie. But then dad says, “If he was to axe me if he could marry you I would probably say at this point no.” BURN. He wants them to take their time. I feel like he’s saying they should spend a bunch of time boning and dating before getting married, and find myself agreeing with Bible Dad: Federal Agent.

“I don’t want you to get hurt… I really don’t… I can’t keep you from getting hurt.” This is pretty much every dad’s journey, isn’t it? Summed up in one line.

She confessionals, screw my parents, I’m marrying my cave-man if I want.

She kisses him chastely and he gets into an SUV. And now she’s worried. Hint to KC: If dudes ran away every time they encountered a dad who wanted his daughter to be a virgin forever, we’d have died out a long time ago.

But the producers need to introduce some doubt in our heads, so here it is. The doubt.

—

Texas! Land of hicks, death penalties, very poor public schools, and Nikki. Ben voiceovers “I love Texas! Texas horses! Texas steer!” Ben’s kind of a geographical slut. I bet you could take him to any state in the union and he’d wet himself like a new puppy.

Ben’s hoping Nikki shows him some “Texas Pride.” Man, that’s probably a really different thing than the Castro Pride I get around here.

Nikki voiceovers, “Last time I brought a man home under these circumstances, I married him! Now I’m bringing Ben home, under the same circumstances” How many reality shows have you been on, Nikki? I mean, I thought I was kind of joking about “dental assistant” meaning “professional reality show contestant” but I guess I wasn’t?

Also, you don’t have to keep highlighting that the circumstances are the same. You can say it once, and it’s clear to us that the circumstances are shared because you applied “these” to “last time,” thus linking the two.

Don’t feel bad. You were brought up in Texas schools. Not your fault.

“This is the best man I’ve ever met.” Again: you’re from Texas.

BOOT SHOPPING. Yeee-haw. Boot salesman has a gray mullet and tells them to “take a lurk.” I kinda like him. They get all duded up like idiot tourists, grab a drink at saloon where they slide the drinks down the counter (really!) and go on a picnic.

Nikki says she doesn’t want him to think she’s beating a dead horse and for a second I think they’re going to go all Ben-hur again and race chariots until a horse dies. (Look it up, it’s a thing.)

She says her parents don’t want to see her get hurt again, and Ben says, “I was going to ask you about that.” Really? On your little crib sheet for all your hoes you wrote, “Q. for Lindzi: your parents RE getting hurt again - for or against?”

Nikki babbles about her divorce and her parents maybe having questions and maybe not. Because there’s no point in ever doing something without talking about it first. Ben needs to be properly prepared for questions or not questions. Whichever comes up. He’s ready now.

Smooching.

—

Jeff Bridges says: “Look around you. One in four kids in the US faces hunger. It’s not always easy to see the signs.”

Yah, it’s kind of hard to see since everywhere I look KIDS ARE HUGELY OBESE IN AMERICA WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

—

They’re driving a giant black SUV whose company didn’t pay the extortion money so it has its hood ornament blurred out like it’s Courtney’s nipple, except, you know, I wouldn’t feel like I had to take a hot shower if I touched the hood ornament.

Nikki is talking more about what her family might do. We’re ignoring her because, like parsley, Nikki is just for looks.

Nikki’s chatting with her mom. Nikki’s falling in love! Nikki’s mom looks pretty old. Nikki is talking about her failed marriage and the FUCKING PIANO music starts again. We segue into her talking to her dad. She reminds us if dad doesn’t approve “it’s a deal-breaker!”

Hey, here’s something else that’s a deal-breaker: Ben is in love with KC.

“In Belize I said I was falling in love with him!” So now she’s recapping what she said and I’m recapping her recapping. Dang it.

Dad’s hesitant to give her hand away again after he messed up letting her marry The Jerk. So, we’re not sure if he will give Ben is provisional permission assuming Ben might decide he likes her which isn’t at all sure so we’re kind of deciding on nothing and there’s not really much tension.

She and her dad start bawling. At least her dad is supportive and loving. KCB’s dad is borderline abusive with his scorn and orders. Nicki’s dad makes a very graceful toast and seems like a real decent guy. I hope he never reads what I’m writing about his daughter. Seriously, I don’t know your daughter, I’m sure she’s great.

Nicki says she wants San Francisco and when you want that you really want that and I don’t want you to leave tonight and not know… blah blah blah.

Ben says, “Today there were moments when I looked over and Nicki and said, ‘I really love this girl!’” That’s a pretty bold statement. I guess I’m calling her at #2. We’ll cut Lindzi Charioteer this week and Courtney next week (because, ugh).

—

Ad for electric power from “Plug in America,” comparing an electric cell phone to a gasoline-powered one. This may be the biggest straw man I’ve ever seen. If you held a match up to this argument you’d have a thousand burners dancing naked around it in moments.

—

Read this next section with your teeth clenched, ok?

COURTNEY’S DATE. THIS IS SO GREAT.

The producers make Courtney say something about being a bitch to all the girls. “I feel badly,” Courtney says. Maybe instead of it being that she can’t speak English, she’s actually trying to tell us that she’s emotionally stunted from being brought up by a distant father and from being valued only for her beauty by society.

I am not good at feeling things, Courtney is telling us. I feel badly.

Ben says he’s nervous about meeting Courtney’s family, because she’s always caught his eye. Also, he’s porked her on a beach on national television, so chances are decent they’ll find out about it.

About visiting the Mayan temples, Ben confessionals, “that last day we spent together in Belize was… a monumental day.” The pause was actually in his speech, but you have to add him pulling down his Horatio glasses in your head. “Eeeeeeeyyyyaaaaaaah!”

“It would bother me if I ended up with someone who rubbed people the wrong way.” Well, you should have a pretty good idea how she is at rubbing people, Ben.

Courtney’s sister looks like Chloe Kardashian. Like, not bad looking, but a Big and Tall gal. So, is there another sister named Kim? This would explain a lot.

The mom looks like she has lots of scowl wrinkles. Avoid. A wise woman once told me, “Everyone gets the face they deserve by 40.” She’s now a gorgeous 42-year-old, so I believe it.

The dad gives Ben a strange and manly speech, “I always say marriage is a gamble. There’s only a fifty percent chance… are you willing to make that bet, Ben?” I kind of hate him. It’s hard to imagine how such a cold guy could raise a daughter so lacking in empathy and basic human emotions.

Courtney tells Kloe that she went skinny-dipping. Now she talks with mom. Mom’s had some eye work done recently. Looks are “em pour tente” in this family, as French Lindzi would say if she weren’t getting cut this week.

Courtney mom looks continuously surprised. Courtney’s very awkward around her and it’s clear the mom is much colder than the dad. It’s hard not to feel bad for Courtney after seeing this family. But, you know, you don’t want to live with a scorpion, even if you understand it’s just being what it was born to be.

—

Alton Brown used to have a goat. Surprisingly, he’s not giving it to starving Americans. Fucking unpatriotic Alton! Don’t you know one in four of our obese kids is starving?

While I’m on the topic, I actually heard a young dude give that argument recently where he’s all, “Logically we should just let Africans starve because there are too many of them for the land to support and if some starve the problem will take care of itself naturally,” and I remembered when I was young and knew I was the center of the universe and everyone around me was just a shadow dancing for my amusement and I felt very sad for him.

—

Courtney confessionals she’s in love but hasn’t said so because she’s “never been with a guy who hasn’t betrayed me? or betrayed my trust? and it makes it really hard for me to open myself up.” Because she’s a high-talker who ends not just sentences? but also clauses? with question marks?

Also, I think she’s already “opened herself up” to him.

She says she likes him and needs to “get it off her chest,” but that’s not saying much because we’ve established she doesn’t ever like having stuff on her chest.

Ok, I’m getting scared. While I was typing Courtney was all: my first modeling job was in this field and I think it’s pretty and I want to get married here and Ben looks over and there’s a bunch of tulle and a pews and trellises and shit and he’s all “is that a wedding” and she’s all, “let’s take a look” and we cut to her confessionalling that she “has a surprise for Ben. I’ve got a little wedding planned. This is the best way I can think of to show Ben how I feel about him?”

AWK-ward! AWK-ward! AWWWWK-ward! Oh, damn, your faux-wedding got crashed by the Awkward Bird.

They’re starting the sappy music. Ben’s all “I’m wondering ‘how far are we going to take this?’” They did this two seasons ago on The Bachelorette, too — they had the girl take a guy to a Vegas wedding chapel to see if he’d chicken out. I guess the single women watching the show are supposed to love weddings, even fake ones?

Ben’s wearing a bow-tie on his stupid plaid shirt and hasn’t even tucked it in. Worst. Groom. Ever. He reads his fake vows to her in front of a minister or actor or something. Who the fuck knows. This is insane. Now she is going to read her vows. She wants love, real love, love love. It’s bad. Car-accident bad. “I want you to know that… I’minlovewithyou.”

Oh, man, they patched together an AMAZING voiceover for Ben where he says, “to put something together like this MEANS THE WORLD TO ME” at two completely different audio levels. You could almost hear a record scratch between the two samples. I bet they had him in the recording studio and were all, “Ben, what would it require for you to assemble this grill?” and “What do you think of when we say, ‘Earth’?”

“I saw another side of Courtney today, a vulnerable side and an open side…” You mean her “front?”

Courtney talks about how batshit she is and music swells heartwarmingly.

—

Chris is in Los Angeles with Ben. “Every hometown to me was unbelievable.” Is this a hometown? No. It couldn’t be. C’mon. Really? OH MY GOD! I FUCKING LOVE HOMETOWNS!

Ben’s recapping to Chris what happened on his dates this week. No. We’re not doing this.

Skipping ahead four minutes. Chris: “How tough is this for you tonight?” Ben: “This is the most difficult decision I’ll have to make yet.” Everybody drinks.

—

Chris welcomes the four ladies. He explains to them there used to be 25 of them, now there are four. Indeed. Also, one of them will be going home.

Ben. Blah blah. “This is by far the most difficult decision I’ve had to make.” Drink again.

Rose in hand! Music!

“Courtney!” Her first? She’s a snatch! “I… do.”

“Lindzi!” WTF. Ok, I was wrong. “Yes sirrr!”

FINAL ROSE TONIGHT.

Ben sighs. And again. SIGH!

NIKKI! “Of course.”

WHAT! WHAT THE HOLY FUCK? WHAT? FUCKING WHAT? WHAT THE HELL? HELL FUCK WHAT FUCK HELL FUCK WHAT?

WHAT? WHAT? ARE YOU? WHAT? FUCK?

Ben walks KC out. They sit. She starts crying. She’s still smiling and being nice, though. Because she’s class. Nice girl. Good wife material. On the one hand I’m glad she dodged a bullet, but it sure sucks she got hurt by this schmuck. But better than a life with him.

She loses it in the limo. “This is why I don’t love!” At least she can be the next Bachelorette. “What the fuck happened! What the FUCK happened!” Wow. Damn.

Ben’s back drinking champagne with his remaining idiotic whorebags. Next week they are going to Switzerland. I don’t have a horse in this race any more, so now I’m hoping he either falls out of a helicopter and dies or, worse, ends up with Courtney.

Special Valentine’s Day edition: Now with extra bitterness!

—

The following program is brought to you with limited commercial interruption, by Vanguard… which reminds me, the first advice I ever read on Motley Fool (back when it was a one-page site with good advice) was buy and hold Vanguard’s S&P 500 no-load index fund – because no instrument (e.g., gold, bonds) has ever, over any 10-year-period, outperformed the S&P 500, and no-load funds don’t pay your stockbroker just for sitting on his thumbs, and a broad portfolio is better than a managed mutual fund something like 90% of the time because pretty much everyone in the financial sector is out to fuck you. This was in like 1997, and it’s more true today than then.

So, if your bank allows it (a ton don’t nowadays) think about just buying VFINX. For a long time it and AAPL were all I held. (Now I only have AAPL, because I bought a house and was pretty sure AAPL would go up way faster than VFINX — so I don’t benefit if you do buy VFINX. I’m just repeating advice.)

—

ANYHOW, tonight on the Bachelor… we’re someplace exotic again! It’s been shown by Helen Fisher (I was in the audience for this talk – yah, you didn’t expect that from a Bachelor blogger, did you?) that travel raises people’s dopamine levels such that it requires very little further stimulus to feel “in love,” which one might surmise is why everyone’s always so horny on trips and vacation romance is a thing separate from normal romance. So, very clever of the producers to keep the women super-stimulated like this…

What? Oh, the show. FINE. Shots of gorgeous waterfalls and stuff. “Last week, in Panama City, I had to say goodbye to some incredible women!” says our unfrozen cave-man Bachelor Ben, making us wonder why he didn’t dump some of the psychos and keep a few more of the incredibles… oh, wait, I remember, boobs.

But now we’re in Belize! You can pronounce that last consonant any way you like. I say, “Beleeth.” Because it’s fun.

Ben’s wearing a very ugly striped tank top. Ugh. That’s just never a good look. Not since 1975. Tank tops on dudes just look scruffy.

HO PLANE! The women arrive in a puddle-hopper that reminds me when I’ve never been to Belize. KCB says she was hoping it would be easier, but it’s not! NOWAI! It’s harder? Are emotions getting real? This is unprecedented. KCB says she’s couldn’t be more in love with Ben. She’s travelled so much at this point I think she’d be in love with a yak if it knew how to shave. What am I saying, that’s just Ben again.

Emily says the hotel suite is beautiful, but “unfortunately I’m sharing it with four other girls and a shark.” We love Emily. Remember, she’s the smart blonde PhD epidemiologist. Her only flaw is her love of homo flaccidus.

Chris welcomes our six girls to Belize. He says “eeeze.” I swear I’ve heard Beleeth. But, then, I used to go to a Basque restaurant a lot, with a Castillion server who looked like young Estella Warren. God I loved her. Thee thaid everything like thith.

What? OK FINE THE SHOW. Chris says there’s going to be three one-on-one dates (sans roses) and one three-on-one (with a rose).

Another gal confessionals she’s absolutely falling in love with Ben. I kind of recognize her face but she hasn’t done much to distinguish herself.

DATE CARD: Lindzi (the horse-whimperer) “Two halves make a whole… Ben” Awww. Tautologies are romantic. Lindzi giggles! “I’m EXCITED!”

Another girl is crying because she gets no Ben today. “Maybe I’m realizing that it’s really real now, and it’s really scary.” Really? Real really reality realizations? You sure? “I don’t know that what I have with Ben is as strong as with Lindzi… or KC.”

Here, let me save you some wondering: BEN LOVES KCB WAY MORE THAN YOU. You’re welcome.

—

T-mobile ad. Ok, fine, I admit it, I like the girl in fuchsia. FINE.

—

Ben wanders up in a (different?) stripy tank top. Wow. Such a bad look. Doing some yard work? He grabs Lindzi and they helicopter off. Piano music! Beleeth lookth lovely.

Lindzi says relationships are “impor TENT” in that way I find annoying like’s it’s two words. Ben’s taking Lindzi to a coral reef called “The Blue Hole.” Ah, yes. And today they’re going to be jumping out of the helicopter into the hole.

AND HEY GUESS WHAT LINDZI IS AFRAID OF HEIGHTS! It’s almost like the producers picked… nah. Nah… Unprecedented!

“As I’m holding Lindzi’s hand, she is freaking out!” This is the basis of any great date. Force a woman to do something! Bitches love force!

Now he’s kissing her to calm her down! This guy has EXACTLY one move. Seriously, remember when he took that other gal someplace high and she was afraid of heights and he kissed her to calm her down? Or the other time he did that exact same thing, too? WEll, it’s like that.

Now he’s recycling the “to be overcome that fear together it’s an incredible feeling” speech that he gave the previous two times. Meanwhile they’ve pieced together like four Lindzi quotes about her falling for Ben, is falling for Ben, she’s absolutely falling in love with Ben. Ok, we get it.

—

Hyundai Bluelink ad, voiceover by Tron.

—

Now it’s night and they’re on a different boat, drifting up to a pier with candles everywhere, even floating in the water. DOPAMINE! It’s what’s for dinner!

Ben says, “It’s great… great…” to be with her. He’s got the gift of gab.

He asks Lindzi if she’s ready to take him home, because next week is HOME VISITS! She says “it’s impor tent for him to know how I feel” and my teeth grate.

Back at the hotel, gals be chatting. KCB confessionals: “Courtney sucks.” Remember, KCB is the nice one. This is like Snow White being all, “Look, I’m a Disney Princess, but you kind of suck donkey dicks.”

Knock-knock! Who’s there? Date card. Date card ho? Date card ho is Emily.

Shot of Emily, wearing a nice strappy purple tank-top. Oh, Emily. Card: “Emily: Do you Belize in love?” Good thing they didn’t do the obvious pun, there! Why not, “Emily: Her eyes beseem, her heart Belize, her zone—Ice in a crowd—and Lava when alone.” That would have been a good pun.

Night with horsey gal. They’re make banal observations. Lindzi confessionals “tonight is such an important night!” What? No. Nah. They’ve each said “leap of faith” about a hundred times.

Lindzi: “It feels so good to let my guard down. And it feels so good to know you’re doing it with someone who… wants the same things out of life as you do.” Wait, you want to nail KCB, too?

Now they’re going to make a message in a bottle. Celebrate our love by littering in a reef! That’s fun!

I’m not even going to recap what they’re putting in the bottle. Imagine you asked a couple four-year-olds to do it and you’ve got something less painful. I’ve skipped a bunch. Blah. They make a story. He reads it. He confessionals that he thinks he’s falling in love with this woman. Ugh. Just once I’d like to hear the guy say, “Honestly, I’m down to six chicks but there’s only like two I really want to get with, and only one I wouldn’t strangle after a week, so I don’t know why I’m wasting time dating these other hos.”

—

Emily is SUPER-EXCITED to finally have a one-on-one date with Ben. She’s ready to fall in love! Ugh. Courtney confessionals that she’s a huge bitch and everyone hates her. Well, in effect. I mean, who cares what she actually says.

Emily gives Ben a big bouncy hug. God what a waste. They go into town and suck on coconuts and play some b-ball with the natives. Honestly, this looks like a pretty fun time. My kind of vacation would be just wandering around a foreign city and grabbing food and stuff.

There’s an awkward set-up where Ben asks a guy on a dock for some lobsters and he says, “These are sold,” and Ben is all, “Is there anything you can do?” in kind of a porn way like the guy is going to be all, “Well, if you take off those pants maybe we can come to a deal,” but eventually comes out the boat guy is offering to take them diving and it was so clearly set up by the producers ahead of time and Emily acts all excited but seriously nobody would ever believe this skit.

Emily: “One of my favorite things about Ben is he is very spontaneous.” NO HE IS NOT THIS WAS SET UP DO YOU NOT NOTICE THERE IS A CHASE BOAT FULL OF CAMERAS? How does she think the chase boat was arranged? 

OH DAMN EMILY IS ROCKING HER PINK BIKINI.

Now they’re grabbing lobsters. I think I’d feel too guilty to do this. But my Dad lives on a boat and travels around the south seas and dives for his lobster like this. Good life.

They grab one tiny lobster and decide they have dinner — I don’t think they’ve eaten this kind of lobster before. But, on the other hand, I expect the lobster to magically multiply in number when it is given to the chef.

Courtney is complaining to Lindzi that Ben shouldn’t be dating Emily because Emily is so MEAN to her. Juxtaposed with Ben kissing Emily. EMILY! HOW COULD YOU? Ick.

Courtney is crying and says she’s not ready to bring Ben home to her family, and she might get the date card tonight but it feels like too late! Anyone want to bet she walks off the show? Anyone? Ok, anyone want to bet she’s going to try to manipulate Ben by acting sad around him? OH! Now we have some takers.

—

Back from the break Courtney says if she doesn’t get a one-on-one she won’t accept a rose. Changing her story. Fine, I’ll accept it.

Emily is dancing and sucking face with Ben. I mean SUCKING face. Just slurping down on him. Two HUGE lobsters are waiting for Ben and Emily on a table. Hmm. I feel like the caught… one small one? Well, my memory is not so good.

Ben asks Emily if she feels good enough to take him home. She brings up Courtney again. MAN SHE LOVES BEING DUMB. But she says she can focus on him now, and blah blah she’s so happy and I hope you’re happy too… ashes to ashes, funk to funky, we know Major Tom… sorry.

Ben toasts her and says he doesn’t want to say she’s smart because he’s sure she’s sick of it, so he’s toasting to her being pretty. Hint to Ben: she’s a scientist with a slamming body in a male-dominated field — she’d rather be called smart.

Back at the hotel Courtney tells the girls that she needs the one-on-one or she might be going home. I’m not sure she understands how emotional blackmail works — I mean, these girls would celebrate if you were sent home.

“Courtney — let’s take the next steps in our relationship.” Courtney is gloating. KCB is sad. Nikki is sad. Still gloating. KCB: “That bitch!”

—

Courtney date day. Ugh. Why do I have to transcribe this? I hate her so much. I’d rather listen to Radiohead than her snotty babbling.

Ben confessionals he might be able to spend the rest of his life with her. I’m assuming he means “…if I die suddenly of a snake bite here in Belize.” Courtney confessionals she hasn’t had a one-on-one with Ben and she “feels like the spark has fizzled a little bit.” Because, uh, the boning in the ocean didn’t count?

Now they’re looking at the ruins of a Mayan temple. It’s pretty cool, I’ll admit it. Google tallest mayan temple in Belize, you’ll see it.

Courtney starts telling him how tough it was that he went out on a date with Emily, who was so mean to her. She tells him she wasn’t going to accept a rose if she hadn’t gotten a one-on-one. (Sure, easy to say now.) Let’s see if he rages at Señorita Tetas the way he did when Emily complained about the same issue, or if she gets a pass because, you know… boobs.

Courtney: Babble. Babble. It feels hard. Thought I was with a friend. I lost the spark. 

Back at the hotel, all the girls agree they hate Courtney and think she’s horrible.

Back with Ben, he’s eating up Courtney’s complaining. He confessionals how shocked and upset he is to hear that she feels this way. And OF COURSE he tells her she’s great and he likes her and he’s sorry she’s upset and NONE OF THE CRAP he gave Emily. None of this, “You better check yourself!” Nope. He’s all, “I want a woman with a bit of an edge.” By edge he means “stupid as a rock and mean as a snake.”

Ugh, kill myself. People like her shouldn’t exist.

Now they’re climbing the temple and Courtney reads a metaphor about climbing being like relationships that the producers wrote for her. Man they love visual metaphors.

Ben confessionals that he sees his life with this woman. I see him being the most unhappy unfrozen cave-man in the world.

—

Sunset! Oh, shit, more Courtney date. I forgot they hadn’t eaten. God dammit Ben’s all happy because the spark is re-ignited with Courtney. Dinner is set by a pool.

Talking. She’s talking at dinner. I’ll tell you if she says anything. Keep the ball going. Ben says how reassured he is by her being hesitant to have him meet her family, in a kind of twisted logic that happens to men who are extremely horny.

Ugh, he’s talking. He tells her when he was sitting on the temple he saw his life with her. She says, “Really? I don’t think anyone’s ever said that to me.” Yup. Nobody’s ever told me that they were sitting on a temple and thinking of their life with me, either. Yet!

Hotel. DATE CARD: Rachel, Nikki, KC! No surprised. “Let’s SEA who’s family I will meet.” I’m disappointed they didn’t spell it “I will meat” and have them go fishing for seafood again.

The girls are kind of hoping Courtney gets sent home even though there’s no rose on this date. Ah, hope springs eternal.

BACK TO DINNER WITH STUPID & EVIL. They’re talking. Crimes against humanity. Courtney is saying how mean everyone’s been. And she’s tried to be nice to them, but she’s so bored by all the women, and she would’t be friends with them in real life. He asks if she has female friends in real life. She says she has a lot of guy friends.

He says, “Here’s my observation, you weren’t getting along with these women…” “I wasn’t NOT getting along with them! They’re just wearing me out.” She explains that being the “talent” at her job means she something or another. Ben voiceovers that it might be trouble if he turns out to be dating a huge bitch who alienates everyone.

NAAAAAAH.

—

I’ve heard one of the techniques they use on this show to increase the drama is they keep the girls from getting enough sleep, so emotions are always heightened. Nah, I thought. That sounds borderline-criminal… Even The Bachelor wouldn’t—

Ben is sneaking up to the girls’ room at 4am to get them up to go boating. “They’re going to freak out!” You think?

The girls are shaving their bits as fast as they can. At least this footage seems honest.

Ben shows the girls the cata-moron they’ll be on all day. He’s wearing a gray… tank top! Ben toasts, “Here’s to an exciting day, full of… shark diving!”

OMG, you guys, it turns out Rachel is MASSIVELY TERRIFIED OF SHARKS. Can you believe that? She does NOT want to go in the water. They’re boating in an area called “shark alley” and they’re actually chumming the waters. I’ll be sad if someone doesn’t die.

The girls are wearing only bikinis and they down with these frenzied sharks. Ok! Rachel gets all the attention from Ben and the girls are openly jealous of her phobia. I’m telling you, ladies: If you go on The Bachelor, FAKE A PHOBIA. You get all the attention, you get to do something fun, and you get the rose for “facing your fears.” You should be all like, “I’m deathly afraid of caviar. But only the imported stuff. Especially with champagne. God, I’m tearing up just thinking about how scary that is.”

They’re on shore and Rachel is talking to Ben and the camera is focusing on her boobs and Ben’s boobs. Equal opportunity!

Ok, Nikki the dental hygienist is talking to Ben now. She would be the cutest person on this date but she’s got that “I am very dumb” thing going on that kind of spoils anyone’s looks. Blah blah crazy talk. Dumb people say the same things over and over. “I’ve know it’s real from the beginning, but, like… it’s really real.”

KCB time. KCB is still cute as a button. I’ve mentioned she’s going to win, right? KCB says she’s ready for him to meet her family, because she’s falling in love with him. Oh, KCB. Your heartbreak will come in the form of getting what you wish for.

Ben says, “There is a rose on today’s date. This rose is BIG!” The rose actually looks pretty small. Oh, he’s saying metaphorically. He talks about each girl. “KCB, for really wearing your heart on your sleeve today, I want to give you this rose.”

Yes I called it. Thank you.

The producers make it look like Courtney is looking off the balcony and sees KCB getting the rose, because we’re back a the main hotel supposedly? I don’t buy it. They want the excuse to have Courtney look all bitchy and say more bitchy stuff, which she does.

MEANWHILE Nikki is saying things are awkward and finally mentions Courtney. Ben voiceovers, “Nikki says Courtney is not here for the right reasons.” Yay! Everybody drink! In fact, drink twice, because someone just voiceovered that someone just said something that we just heard them say.

—

Rose ceremony night! Blah blah excited nervous big deal for me. “There’s the most at stake than there has been,” says Nikki, the Producers’ Best Friend.

Emily mentions she’s made close friendships here, just to rub it in Courtney’s face that everyone hates her. Courtney says she’s “Happy! I’ve got a piña colada!” Courtney says, “Ben’s not the only guy in the world!” and the girls are ABSOLUTELY SCANDALIZED that she would EVEN DARE to say this.

Chris appears: no cocktail party. Rose ceremony NOW NOW NOW. We are going to DEFCON 5, PEOPLE.

—

Three roses. Six girls. KCB has a rose. Here’s Ben.

“It really was the best week of any for me.” Probably disappointing to Courtney since she, like, got naked in the water with him weeks ago.

But BEFORE he starts the ceremony, he wants a private word with Courtney… He asks Courtney if she’s really “in this.” OK COME ON SHE’S NOT GETTING CUT. “With all due respect, I’m only here for you.” Uh, that’s not a “due respect” kind of situation?

Ben and Courtney are back in the lineup. Rose time!

Nikki! The dumb dental assistant. “Eeeeee… Yeeeesss.”

Lindzi! The horsey ho. “Absolute Lee!”

Pause.

Chris: “Ladies Ben this is the final rose tonight when you are ready.”

PAUSE.

Courtney! Ugh. “Yes.”

Rachel and Emily look sad and sick, respectively. Oh, hey, did I indicate I had any respect for Ben? Because if I did, I’d like to rescind it now.

Rachel feels, “very rejected.” Yup. Good reason for that! She gets on a boat.

Emily is still smiling as she walks away. Courtney actually says, “See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!” Classy to the end.

Emily is holding it together pretty well in her final confessional… oop, now she’s crying. Poor gal. I’m here for you, Emily. Really! Not like those other girls. I was just kidding about liking them! Also, as a bonus, I have a real job and I don’t look like a caveman! And I don’t think epidemiology is the study of skin cells. Which is a joke Ben wouldn’t even get.

We’re in Panama! Panama City, Panama. Pa-na-ma! Pa-na-ma-ah!

The girls are mentioning we’re in Panama because the monkeys in the opening and the twelves times they’ve said it aren’t enough. “So far Ben’s taken us to San Francisco, Park City…” Come on. Do we have to maintain this fiction? Do we believe for ONE second Ben had anything to do with the location scouting? He got the flights? He made the deals on hotels? “Hi, Trump Ocean Club Panama? Yah… I’ve got, like, a dozen women I’m dating and I’d like to throw them all into one big room in your hotel… got anything appropriate? No, no, no need for separate rooms. No, seriously, they love each other. Uh-huh… uh-huh… hold on, my pen’s out of ink… ok… Now how much is that a night? I’m just a humble grape farmer/winemaker and, between you and me, I haven’t actually been working much for the past year because I’ve been on fucking TV the whole time, so money’s a bit tight…”

Ben’s says the dates this week are “exponentially more important” than they were last week, because, you know, they’re now and those are the past. I feel like real emotions might be on the line, you guys. I’m just guessing!

Ben whips out his date card to his nine remaining hos… KCB! Who, by the way, we’re pretty sure wins the whole competition, because Courtney is beyond horrible and he doesn’t seem to actually like any of the other women.

KCB is wearing a belly-revaling top and thank you. Seriously, that’s the one fashion trend from my childhood I was really hoping would come back, and now it’s happening. I fucking love tummies. I’m not even kidding, they’re my thing.

Oh, the show. Um, they’re on a helicopter. This show must be sponsored by fucking Sikorsky or something. Ben says, “My fear is we run out of things to talk about” in voiceover and I’m amazed because it’s so close to my fear, which is “these are the most boring people in the world.” Oh… my… god… It’s happening! IT’S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW! THEY ARE THE MOST BORING PEOPLE!

Ok, the helicopter drops them off on a tiny island and leaves them alone to fend for themselves. KCB says she’s kind of scared. “A lot of times couples don’t survive when there’s just the two of them alone.” Uh. Ok… You know we can tell you’re not actually alone, right? Like, there’s a big clue that’s also kind of specifically stated in the précis of this show. Which is YOU ARE ON CAMERA YOU FUCKING CLODS.

I guess some percentage of viewers believe this island is loaded up with robotic-zoom-enabled coconut-tree-mounted cameras. Probably a big percentage, considering how many brain cells I’ve lost so far.

Anyways, KCB is rocking her bikini so yay. Too much makeup for my tastes but now I’m just being picky.

Helicopter arrives after they eat a simple dinner they suspiciously don’t show being made and they’re gone like flan. (I mean, a good one, made with fennel and surrounded by snails.)

Ben says his day with KCB was fun because “She goes with the flow, and GOD I appreciate it.” (Emphasis his.) Yup. I was noticing her flow all day, too. Really nice flow. That bikini showed her flow to maximum advantage. Wait, you DO mean “butt” by “flow” right? Because otherwise I’m lost.

“I’m hoping the energy can continue into the evening.” I assume “energy” means “kissing.” Ben tells her, “I’m looking forward to diving in deep tonight!” Which is code for sex, except that’s not even code, it’s just kind of stating you want sex.

Ben asks her what boring things she likes doing (I’m not even kidding) and she tells him. MY WORST FEARS ARE COMING TRUE.

She voiceovers she’s afraid because, “I have to open up to Ben, and I haven’t opened up to a guy in a long time.” Just use lube. Don’t be embarrassed. Lots of girls I’ve been with have to use it. (WINK.)

DATE CARD for the Nine Princesses in Amber. Six on them are going on a group date, so through process of elimination Blakeley “Strippy McGee” Teethsalot and Rachel who looks like of like Cheryl Tiegs determine they’re going on a two-on-one date. I’m impressed they were able to do the math. Blakeley is ecstatic, Rachel is pouty. Which makes sense because strippers are more used to two-on-ones.

BACK to dinner. KCB voiceovers that she’s ready to get it all out there. I don’t like her hair. There, I’m opening up, KCB, so you should feel safe to as well. This is a safe space. Except for your hair’s not welcome here. Isn’t there some product you can use?

KCB is admitting she had an eating disorder in high school. To Ben’s credit he doesn’t say, “Well, whatever your secret is, you ass is working for me, sister!” Oh, she was friends with Ana and with Bueller.

OMG, that was her big secret she didn’t want to tell. YAWN. Come on, like four out of every three women have eating disorders in high school.

Ben gives her the date rose, duh. She’s safe! “I opened up to him like I haven’t before for anybody!” Well, you’ve never been with ME… meh I’m tired of this joke myself.

—

Group date! Ben drives up in a beat-up ass long boat and picks up his six favorite gals. “I’m so wet!” one of them exclaims. But it’s raining, so, not that great.

Then they pull up at a thatch village to go native with the villagers. Ah, always the most insulting part of any Bachelor — when the shallow spoiled idle white people party with some of the poorest people in the world and feel real empathy for their lives. Wow, I mean, these guys live in a village. I was moved.

The villagers are dressing the girls up in traditional Panamanian costumes or something (or, hell, they could just be beads bras they picked up at a costume supply store, fuck if I know what Panamanians used to wear) and Courtney makes the smart move of removing her bikini top to show more nipple. The producers are making a big show of fuzzing our her entire top when she’s on-camera, but judging from the OTHER girls (who are wearing bikinis under their beads) the beads are pretty opaque. I’m giving this a 4/10 on the scandalous-meter.

A girl asks Courtney if she took her bottom off, too, and Courtney says, “I don’t do anything half ass.” She doesn’t even realize how great a pun she just made. Ugh. So stupid.

Ben confessionals that he’s surprised the women were wearing bikinis, except Courtney, who was full-on. “I appreciated that,” he says with a big grin, “In more that one way.”

Wait. What? More than one way? In what other ways besides “it gave you a big hard-on” did you appreciate it? Were you like, “Gosh, your visible nipples sure were a big boost to the struggling European economy, Courtney! Could you show a little thigh and maybe help Tibet?”

Courtney paints a tattoo on Ben that says, “B + C = ♡” and all the other girls are complaining ugh but you know what? Up your game, girls. Courtney is running around mostly naked and flirting with Ben, and you’re spending all your energy complaining in confessional instead of just stepping up and being flirty. Geez. What show did you think you were signing up for? I mean, this situation is stupid and demeaning but you volunteered. And now you’re just going to roll over and let this floozy tromple you? If Blakeley were here she’d be totally topless and dancing the conga with the entire tribe.

There’s like TWO girls who look like Cheryl Tiegs, I guess, because there’s one on this date. Wait, is this the Horsey girl? Didn’t she leave last week? I fucking don’t know. Horsey girl is telling Ben how she’s cried over him because she finally realized “Oh my god, my boyfriend, like, has a bunch of other girlfriends.”

MEANWHILE back at the hotel KCB dances in with her hair looking a lot better and a date card. They straightened her hair a bit or something so it’s not as frizzy and damaged-looking as before. Oh also something about a date card who cares it’s other-Cheryl Tiegs and Stripper and they’re going on a date big surprise.

MEANWHILE back somewhere outside Ben is spending time alone with Courtney and telling her how much he likes her assertiveness and stuff. She’s SO good at manipulating him. Also, he only talks like Tycho when he’s around Courtney, I think. So now it’s like Tycho is romancing just Courtney. Which is fucking creepy. Stay true to your wife, Tycho! She’s the mother of your children!

Anyhow, Courtney tells him she wants him to sneak away and fuck her tonight or something. I was trying not to listen.

Some girl is talking to Ben and Courtney starts disrobing in the background because you know she’s a model and a huge attention whore. She confessionals, “I feel like a lot of the girls here are not putting a lot into Ben,” and I’m all, well, at least he’s put a lot into you, Courtney but it’s not as funny to zing my laptop alone.

OMG Courtney slips into her white bikini and she starts splashing around in a pool behind the girl Ben’s talking to. Jamie. I guess. Courtney is SUCH a hopeless slut. Ben invites Jamie to kiss her but she doesn’t.

Note to Ben: Go with the gal who doesn’t push false intimacy on you. Courtney doesn’t love you, she loves attention and winning the battle and proving she’s worthwhile. As soon as you’re alone with just her there’s no point, and she’s going to dump your sorry ass. Do you really think Courtney is going to make wine with you? No. She needs approval and attention and everyone to tell her she’s the best, always. You’re nothing.

EMILY! Is having one-on-one time with Ben. And she’s all, “I have something I have to get off my chest,” and it’s NOT about Courtney. She tells Ben she’s in love with another man, and she didn’t think it could happen, “and that man is the chief” of the tribe. Yay! Emily is the funny smart one. Ben asks Emily if “we’re past” the business with hating on Courtney, because IT SURE IS FUN to pick open old wounds. And Emily apologizes a bunch and cowers for him appropriately and is rewarded with a kiss. Emily confessionals she shouldn’t have said anything mean towards Courtney. Then she apologizes flat out to Courtney, in a totally sincere way, and I totally love Emily for it.

Courtney is a huge bitch about it and tells Emily that she (Courtney) can never respect Emily because she was a big meanie and they’ll never be friends. COUGHwhatabitch. No, wait, skip the cough. Just, whatabitch.

Lindsey Horseface gets the rose for reasons unclear except it’s a way to introduce some drama around Courtney so maybe it was producer’s choice night?

Ben says he had a special day and says his goodnights. Courtney is mad about not getting the rose. Ooooh, they’re milking this.

We’re staying with Courtney in her hotel room, where she’s hoping Ben will visit. “I’ve definitely had a pattern of dating men who have appreciated me in the beginning, and then I’ve been taken for granted.” Yes, Courtney. It’s called: you use your sexuality to get men interested in you but you’re a horrible person and nobody wants to end up with a horrible person no matter how cute she is. Your looks are your curse, because you’ve never had to be nice to people to get them to want to be with you. You need to grow the fuck up and get a personality and not be so shallow. Good luck.

—

Two-on-one time! Remember, home viewers, the rules of this date are: two hos enter, one ho leaves. No matter what! Someone goes home TONIGHT!

Latin dancing! No fair! Blakeley is a professional “dancer.” The salsa “teesher” comes out. Rachel points out that “Salsa is a two-person dance. There’s not room for a third person.”

NOWAI‽ I have never heard of a two-person dance. Is this some new thing? A dance that is NOT for three people?

Uh, Rachel danced or whatever. Ok, now Blakeley’s up, and she’s confident. Well, yah, we’re in your wheelhouse! If the rest of the date is about eating corn off the cob Blakeley’s got this sewn up. Blakeley is wrapping her legs around Ben and sweating out her boobs, so Ben’s pretty much in love.

DANCE FIGHT. Rachel: “I’m honestly worried Ben doesn’t see through Blakeley’s sexual dancing.” Those kids today! With their salsa music and their sexual dancing.

—

Pretty funny ad where a customer at a Verizon store is comparing buying a phone or R2D2. He’s going back and forth but the salesguy says “the R2 unit needs a starfighter” and the customer is all, “that’s like a million bucks” and seriously, first of all, “credits” not bucks but more importantly R2 units are fully autonomous and although they can perform a variety of functions aboard a starship and thus obviate the need for a dedicated shipboard computer (which actually saves you money if you later purchase, say, the Incom X-wing) you don’t need a starfighter to have an R2 any more than you need to own a car to have an iPod.

Ugh, stupid people.

—

What were we talking about? Oh, hot two-on-one action. Will Ben pick the girl with huge sweaty boobs who throws herself at him or the nicer girl who’s more reserved and classy?

Dinnertime. This is always the most awkward time in any The Bachelor. Two girls, one’s going home after dinner, and the guy is trying to talk to both of them while they’re both fighting for air and pretending everything’s ok. Ugh. This reminds me why I gave up on having a harem.

Here, I took a screenshot of Ben at the dinner table:

Yup, as happy as a Macaulay Culkin. Also: cave man.

Ben says, “This is… the hardest thing I’ve had to do so far!” NOWAI. Ben asks Rachel to go off with him, and now in a cool moment that helps us get a sense of time there’s a cop car outside and we can see its blue and red lights on Rachel at the beginning of a “single sentence” she says to him and the lights are gone by the end so, uh, pretty obvious you cut that one up, editors.

Blakeley has her time with Ben now and uses it to cry. Sexy! She says she feels like she’s always the one talking. She tells Ben she wants to tell him a secret and since eating disorder has been taken I’m guessing she’s going to admit her tits are Polydimethylsiloxane. Oh, no, wait, it’s another crappy scrapbook. God, there’s one of these every season. If a girl ever whips out a scrapbook of her dreams about being with me on my third date with her I’m going to be out of there so fast I’ll leave one of those perfect-body-outline-holes in the wall like Wile E. Coyote.

Ben says, “This is greeeeaaat.” Eeek. She should have gone with her first impulse, which was to have Ben motorboat her for twenty minutes.

Back at the dinner table, Ben’s got the rose. Oh, god, they’re playing the sappy piano again. Sappy time!

RACHEL will you accept this rose. Blakeley is MAD! She stomps off. No words. MAD. Hell and hathing fury, you know. Ben follows her. “Give me a chance to explain!” Also, it’s great TV when you cry. Ben mansplains how he respects her to much to keep her there. KITTY! Now they have a shot of a lost kitten in the street, meowing. Sad! I’m going to tell myself they helped the kitty out and didn’t leave it in the street.

Rachel is smug and graceless in her confessional.

Coming UP: Some blonde girl is crying her head off! The host (remember him? me either) is walking her to some room. The door opens! Something is inside!

I’m in on “she lost a nail clipper.”

—

Ad for Jenny Craig. What, you think only sad, fat women watch this show? Is that it?

Ok, that’s fair.

—

The girls are all hanging around talking in the living room in full makeup under the lights with the cameras rolling and the Chris McSmarmhouse happens to walk in. God, that was lucky. Imagine if he’d come in and the girls weren’t all assembled and made up? AWWKward.

Chris asks KCS to come talk privately. I guess she was the weeping blonde. She sure is a lot cuter before the weeping! Chris says “It was brought to my attention, by THREE different people, back in the United States, that you’re in love with someone, not Ben.”

Chris says Michael, her boyfriend, or possibly ex, says they’re still together. She denies it! This has to happen every season. But then she kind of doesn’t. She admits she’s still in love with Michael. And that she still hopes he’ll change. Hmm. Ok. I think you’re busted.

Also, KCS is wearing, like, coveralls, with shorts. That’s a… look.

They knock on Ben’s door and he acts all surprised. But, uh, we can actually see the cameraman behind Ben, in his suite, standing up and filming him. I guess they just leave those things on all day! Man, that must get tiring.

Akwardness ensues. Ensue. Ensue. That’s a funny word.

She nicely tells Ben she’s in lurve with another man. Ben unleashes his condescending righteousness. I’ve wasted perfectly good ho slots on you! Other hos could have been in your slots! You stole from hos! What you gonna do to make this right, ho-thief? Ok, now I’m making shit up.

“I just wish you would have told me sooner, that’s all” -shrug- Ben says passive-aggressively, because he’s a man’s man, and man’s men are passive-aggressive. “I think you should go home” someone says at some time but we don’t see Ben say it so who the hell knows when it was said.

KCS cries in Chris’s arms. Think of all the tears this guy gets on his clothes every year. His cleaning bill must be astronomical. “Sir, we found those salt marks all over your clothes again. We’ve told you, it’s called ‘casual wear,’ but you can’t just take it into the ocean! It’s not that casual!”

Chris tells the women (because we always have to see the reaction shot for any news from every person involved with the show) that “the fact is, she was in love with another man coming on this show,” which I parse to mean that KCS’s boyfriend is becoming the next Bachelor, which would be kind of awesome.

KCS drives away bawling her head off because she still doesn’t have a man and is going to have to find someone else. Idea: try to have a good life and be a neat person and then see if people find you. Crazy, I know.

—

Cocktail party night. Seven women remain, one is going home.

“It gets more real every time,” says some girl who looks like she’s 12. I’m not bothering to learn her name because she’s talking about how much she likes him instead of kissing him and so she’s toast, sooner or later. Oop, now some kissing. “I think it’s safe to finally say, I think I’m falling in love,” she says. Still a lot of wiggle room, there!

Jamie-the-no-kisser confessionals that she wants to impress Ben. She tells him she has a surprise for him. She’s babbling and she tells him she thinks about him at night, and then she mounts him and sucks his face.

No, really. She does. She spreads her legs and straddles him and grabs his face and kisses him. Ok! Now it’s business time. You can tell it’s time for business because OH CHRIST THIS GAL IS SO HORNY.

BEN I KEEP TELLING YOU: find the girls that seem more reserved, because when they open up HOLY CHRIST THIS IS THE REAL THING.

Now kissing lessons. Ben can’t handle that she’s laughing the whole time. Dude! If she’s laughing it’s great! What the fuck is wrong with you! You’re the worst lay ever!

—

Five hour energy. It’s fast and easy. Just like your mom.

—

Rose cereMOANy. KCB has redone her hair again and I’m feeling guilty now for making her paranoid about it. She’s wearing a fuchsia dress. “Hey, KCB, bet you can’t wait ‘til Ben fuchsia.”

Ben is mumbling about trust and stuff who cares. First rose! Will he pick the girl who showed her nipples? Or the one who’s having an acne outbreak? It’s hard to know.

Nikki! That’s the name of the girl I keep forgetting. She’s toast, sooner or later, but not tonight. “Absolutely, thank you.”

Courtney! You’ve shown a lot of nip. “I shall.”

ONE ROSE REMAINS. It’s between Ride’em Jamie and Emily Canonlytalkaboutcourtney. Hmm. Wonder which thing Ben likes better?

Emily! OH MY GOD!  WHAT THE HOLY HELL LIVING FUCK! JAMIE GOT ON TOP OF YOU AND SUCKED YOUR FACE! She’s 25 and a registered nurse! And she rode you! Like a pony!

Jamie cries. Oh, baby. I’m here for you. Come to daddy. I’ll make it all better. Shhh-shhh… daddy’s here.

Meanwhile, next week Ben’s talking these ladeez to Belize, if they please.

Tonight on The Bachelor: CRYING! Courtney’s a bitch! It’s all coming up tonight, on The Bachelor.

Ben’s first utterance is again a frankensentence, composed of bits and pieces by the sound engineers. It sounds like this: “This week’s really important because I’m almost halfway through this journey OF FINDING YOUR POTENTIAL WIFE and thisiswhereitstartstogetserious.” I’m not 100% sure he even said all those words. I think some of them were from a Speak-and-spell.

“I’m with 11 beautiful women in Villacase, Puerto Rico!” Really? Where’d you stash all those skank hoes from San Francisco? Oh, you mean… AWKward.

Emily is worried that if Ben likes Courtney maybe he’s a giant stupid hairy caveman dipshit. She is the smart one! Courtney voiceoves that if Emily “slips up with me a few more times… I will embarrass her bad!” Strong words. Strong words indeed.

Here’s a fun hint when threatening someone: don’t build in extra chances for them from the start. “Look, I’m only giving you two, maybe THREE more chance, buddy! Then… consequences!”

Chris can’t be arsed to tuck his shirt in because it’s Puerto Rico. Let’s talk about the dates. Ben cough-imeantheproducer-cough has some amazing stuff lined up. Good news: Every woman will get a date with Ben this week! Not necessarily a one-on-one date, but, still… BEN! The women go crazy. I live for this part. Where normally sane, nominally attractive women celebrate being guaranteed a spot in a group date with a Neanderthal. This show is so fucked up.

Date card. Nikki! “In contramos en neuvo el amor en taco burrito.” I’m not sure my transcription is perfect on this one.

Courtney voiceovers that Emily is on her ___ list and better check herself. Damn, C-dawg is gangsta. 90-lb shortie gonna cut you, Emily!

—

Stupid Disney Parks ad. I’d almost rather watch those insulting Vegas ads.

—

Nicki is SO EXCITED TO BE AROUND BEN TODAY! She’d be upset to not get a rose. Huh! She’s wearing a giant ugly sarong to hide her rocking body. Because, stupid.

Ben voiceovers Nicki brings out the kid in him, which I think is code for, “Dumb but rocking body.” Ben can actually speak Spanish! I’m slightly amazed. But, to be fair, with his brow ridge I’m also amazed he speaks English, and doesn’t just let his club do the talking.

It rains but Ben takes shelter in the GIANT UGLY TENT Nicki is wearing. Ok, that’s not true. Ben DOES suggest that they buy new clothes. This is a clever play on his part to get her out of the ugly sarong. Nicki foils him by buying a giant handkerchief and wearing that instead. I’m not kidding, she’s just wearing a huge square silk hanky hanging from her neck.

They’re sitting and watching a traditional wedding. I skipped about four minutes of chatting. You’re welcome. Now Ben says we’re hearing Tacobell’s Cannon. Except, you know, there’s no way this  audio is from the wedding. Notably, it doesn’t stop during voiceovers.

Night. Nicki is wearing a teal minidress that seems almost… normal? Ben voiceovers that he’s going to ask Nicki some questions to get to know her. Then he asks her those questions, to get to know her. I’m going to guess after he finishes he’s going to voiceover that he got the answers to the questions he was asking.

Just wait.

—

Back at the W Hotel, the HOes are TELling each other how much they Want a one-on-one date. Group date card! “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend!” Ooh, chicks love shiny rocks! Some huge number of names are called out.

Man, Blakeley has got a blotchy-ass tan. Also, big teeth. Did I mention her big teeth? Yea or neigh?

—

Back with Nicki. She seems a lot more plain because she’s so aggressively simple. I’m remembering the interesting girl he sent home immediately last episode for daring to ask him for some one-on-one time, and weeping.

Oh, wait, sorry, Ben’s doing something. Rose. He gave her some dumb speech about how she opened up to him so she should stay. Now I bet we get to hear a voiceover from him about  how she opened up to him, so he decided she should stay.

Come on Ben. Do it. Say it. Voiceover. Come on. Don’t let me down buddy. Oh crap commercial.

—

Hyundai ad narrated by Jeff Bridges. That’s just sad. Can’t you advertise only overseas, like George Clooney, so we can pretend?

—

Oh, the diamond is a baseball diamond. “Ladeeez… we’re going to play some baseball today.”

Blakeley says this is a perfect date for her, as she’s really athletic. She says she’s always done sports. You know “water sports” aren’t really sports, right, Blakeley?

Chris shows up at the stadium. Tonight there will be a romantic beach date… and the girls have to compete in baseball to see which ones go! I notice they’re not blaming this one on Ben. I mean, just a few moments ago he said, “Ben’s planned some great dates this week…” but now Ben’s all, “Oh, I felt bad that half the girls couldn’t go.”

Courtney and Blakeley are the team captains. That way we have someone to create drama tonight no matter which team wins! Also, when I think “baseball” I think “put a model and a stripper in charge.”

Blakeley has already managed to turn her baseball shirt into a cut-off tee and is either wearing a ton of baby oil or is sweating. I’m impressed by her resourcefulness – she wins a special prize. Blakeley is killing on the field and Courtney actually says, “Who knew strippers could play baseball?” Courtney, the model. With no sense of irony.

Ben voiceovers how impressed he is with these women for competing so hard just to spend some more time with him. He really says that. Use this moment, Ben. Use it as a model for your relationships. Women should have to do crazy competitions and humiliate themselves for you. Learn from it. This is what a real relationship is like.

The game goes into sudden death or something. I dunno. Tension. Red team wins! Courtney is going on the date! Like a groundhog seeing its shadow, this portends another hours of bitchiness.

Voiceovers time. Blakeley (blue team) is crying because she feels so strongly about Ben. Courtney (red team) is smug. Redhead (blue team) is crying because she is here to land herself a man.

Beach party starts for red team. Courtney is being mean, and… OH HEY we’re back on the loser’s bus, and watching Blakeley and Redhead cry some MORE. Seriously, you JUST did this. Padding.

Back at the party, Courtney is getting more undeserved air time than Kim Kardashian. She only fears KCB… cut to Ben and KCB on a giant hammock (where the hell do you get a hammock this big? It’s like the size of a porch) and Ben is talking about what a huge loser he is at love and how often he’s rejected. God, so attractive. I mean, *I* want to fuck him after that talk.

Ben gives a big speech to KCB about her being great and gives her the rose. Courtney is upset but says, “I have a little idea in mind, so I’m not to worried about the rose.” She is good at manipulating him, I’ll give her that.

Courtney leads him down the beach and drapes herself on him and starts kissing him and suggesting how much she wants to go skinny dipping. I think Courtney’s white dress is see-thru. I’m torn here. I mean, on the one hand: see-thru dress. On the other: I hate her. But, I’m pretty sure I can make stuff out. Outlines of things. Through the dress. I mean, she isn’t wearing underwear. OH GOD STOP IT YOU HATE HER.

They actually fuzz out the side of Courtney’s boob for a second because she’s falling out. THANKS A LOT, PRODUCERS. Ben voiceovers what we just watched about Courtney trying to go skinny-dipping with him, but he seems more exasperated than excited. But that may just be his brow ridges.

—

Courtney has a puffy face the next morning. Date card! “Elyse: Let’s find love somewhere private.” I’m assuming he’s talking about her snatch, here. Let’s find love in your snatch!

Elyse wears too much eye makeup and is already crying, because it’s really important for her to find love again. Oh god, desperation is so sexy. Take me now, Elyse. I want you so bad.

BIKINIS OUTDOORS. Ben’s harem is flopping around on the lawn in bikinis when he comes to pick up Elyse. Crazy coincidence!

Ben and Elyse are on a boat. A boat motherfuckers. A motherfucking boat. Elyse is telling her sob story about losing love. And how much she wants it. Oh god, so attractive! Now she’s telling him how she gave a lot to be here! She gave up her job and missed her best friend’s wedding. So, she’s serious!

Wow, I love her approach. She’s kind of like the Jesus of dating. “Hey, did I mention I died for you? For your sins? Yah, all the sins you’re going to do, I already paid for them. So, it’s cool. Don’t worry about it.”

Swimming. Elyse seems strangely used-up for such a young woman. 2/10 would avoid.

—

Ad for Hormel meats. Voiceover by my old crush Mary Steenburgen. How old am I that I recognize her voice?

—

Dinner on the beach. Elyse has feelings for Ben and shit. I think Ben’s pretty meh on her. “Ben just needs to know that I’m here for a reason: I’m here for him!” Yes. All you need to do is convince the man how incredibly much you want him! That’s always worked for me: “Listen, I really want to have sex with you. I mean, a lot! No, I don’t think you understand, I want sex! Ok? Sex? Because I want it! Seriously!”

Elyse is babbling about how much she wants love and he’s touching his hair and clearly uncomfortable. I think he’s going to dump her. He grabs the rose. Unfortunately… missed connections… group dates… wanted to bring you out here… pause… dumping imminent… I was hoping for some things today that I just didn’t find.

He sounds exactly like Tycho again dumping Elyse, which is funny because I like the idea of Tycho dumping Elyse. “I unfortunately cannot give you this rose.”

This is why I could never be on this show. If I had to say a line that fake to a woman who’s about to cry I’d stab someone. Elyse doesn’t know what she did wrong! She’s a mess. Girl, please get therapy. You have to value yourself. THEN a man.

Ben says she’s an incredible, incredible woman, which is a lie, because she’s actually really boring in her current state. She gets on a big orange floaty boat in her white dress. Music swells. She sobs. Still sobbing. Still going on. Still. More. Music changes to piano. Now they’re playing that “Adelaide” song they’ve played a bunch. I hate it. There’s still like three minutes to commercial. FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! HE DIED FOR OUR SINS CAN’T WE SKIP THIS CRAP?

Shot of the rose washing away in the tide. So… planned.

—

Gals at the hotel in their PJs. Ugly dude comes and gets Elyse’s luggage, girls spaz the fuck out. “Things are getting serious!” says Nicki. “If Ben’s not feeling it, he’s sending people home!” Yes. Yes Nicki. That’s exactly it. I feel like you’ve captured this show exactly. Sure, it took you five episodes into the 16th season, but you truly understand what’s going on. 

Courtney says, “Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out.” Because she’s all class. Courtney says “another one bites the dust,” and “it blew my panties off.” I think she needs to change her drugs. She voiceovers that she’s planning to skinny dip with him. “I dunno if he’s ever skinny-dipped with a model, maybe he’d like that.” “I’m hoping a vision after a long day.”

“I have some lotion in my pocket if you need a massage.” Advice: always say yes when a girl offers a massage. Because, no matter how the date turns out, you still got a massage.

Now she suggests going to the beach… her robe is almost completely open now. The belt has fallen off it.

He indicates that he thinks this is maybe a bad idea… but he does it. “Should I take my robe off?” She’s wearing a bra. Wuss.

They strip down to undies… they fuzz out her ass in panties but not her boobs in a bra. I don’t understand TV. Now they’re full monty! Lots of fuzzing out. She drapes herself on him in the ocean and they make out. Courtney voiceover: “I feel like I’m winning!” In case all the nudity has blinded us men, we’re reminded how loathsome she is.

—

Rose night! Ben says, “Courtney and I shared a very intimate moment! Right now I feel kind of crappy about myself. There are other women here I want to explore relationships with.” You feel icky because you forced intimacy with a horrible shallow person? Oh my god. I am shocked. Shocked!

I’m betting the producers are going to create some drama here by making him confess he skinny dipped with her, or something. Something lame.

SuperRedhead is talking to Ben. She reminds me of someone who bugs me, even though there’s nothing really wrong with her. Ben apparently likes simple women. Very simple. “I think we’re on a path to love, and I love that feeling.” LOVEY LOVE LOVE LOVE I LOVE LOVE WOOGY WOOGUMS LOVE!

KCB is counseling Blakeley to not be nervous. Blakeley confessionals that she’s realized something about herself that she didn’t know before, and she can’t wait to tell him. It’s not that you’re a huge attention whore, is it? I bet he knows that. Wait, is it that you have huge teeth? He probably has figured that one out, too.

Blakeley is talking to Ben. She’s so nervous! She puts her hand on her huge boobs to emphasize it. She’s 33 and still single! “Every day I write something down about you that I really like,” she says with tears in her eyes like a completely psycho woman that I would run the fuck away from.

She says she’s found something inside of herself, and she feels she deserves it. “You do deserve it,” says Ben, which are the words you say when you’ve already emotionally checked out. I doubt they’ll cut her THIS episode, because there are all kinds of boring women to get rid of first. “Tonight I have done a 180.”

Courtney and the girls are talking about skinny dipping, but they’re cutting the conversation so I don’t trust it. I mean, what are the chances. The very next night! Now they’re complaining about not being able to get naked right now.

Emily and Ben. Emily is all apologizing for talking about Courtney last week, still. Ben’s paying a lot of attention to his drink. She’s so toast. Then Emily immediately starts saying bad things about Courtney again.

Ben’s rage comes out. “You have no idea what goes on in those moments. What I encourage you to do is just drop it, and tread lightly. That’s all I’m saying.” Can you imagine saying this to a woman you’re dating. “Tread lightly?” That’s so contemptuous. In the voiceover Ben rages about her some more.

Emily’s crying in confessional. Let it go, girl. Courtney is making a wish for Emily to be gone. She says it’d be like Christmas.

—

Will Arnett in a teaser ad for Hulu. I don’t need ads for Hulu. Because, see, I’m already watching it. Maybe save your money?

—

Chris starts the ceremony. “Ben told me earlier this has been the most pivotal week since he’s been the Bachelor.” Which is a new way of saying, “Every week this gets harder!”

Ben says, “Evenings like this are getting tougher and tougher.” Oh, well, I guess we were just going to come out and say it.

Lindsey Lovehorse. I would love to-ooo.

Jamie Who? Of course thank yew.

Rachel AlsoSeventies? Very happy to.

Courtney Dumbhussy? Of course I will.

KCS! Your name sounds like a pharmacy. I would love to, thank you.

(Blakeley starts visibly snurfling.)

Blakeley! CRIES full out. Yes.

“Ladies, Ben, this is the final rose tonight.” Oh come on, he hasn’t given one to SuperRedhead yet so it’s kind of obvious who…

Emily!

Holy shit. The producers must have really beat him up. How fucking cruel to Emily to keep her here with a guy who has such contempt for her. I hope this show comes with free therapy after.

Chris: “Jennifer I’m sorry! Take a moment and say your goodbyes.”

Jennifer SuperRedhead is crying in the confessional and the ride home. She wanted love SO BADLY. If only wanting love badly actually made it more likely instead of less, Jennifer. If only. Maybe I’d be married instead of a bitter, single 42-year-old man watching The Bacheloer at 1:46 AM on a Wednesday.

Ben tells the remaining suckers they’re going to Panama next week. Panama! Panama-ah. 

Ad for paper towels, starring a dog spilling literally a gallon of water. Hey, here’s an idea: USE A FUCKING CLOTH TOWEL. Christ. The CEOs of these companies should be shot.

—

“Tonight on The Bach—ZZZZZT—ing up tonight on The Bachelor.”

Pomp and circumcision music is playing. “We’re in Park City, Utah this week.” The colors of the trees “are every color of the rainbow!” Really? Blue trees?

“After Ashley turned down my proposal, I never thought I’d form so many different relationships so quickly,” except they signed you onto The Bachelor immediately and that’s kind of… the whole point of the show? Did you not read the large print? #soyouarealiar

Wow, they chopped the hell out of his intro speech. I detected four audio cuts in one sentence, I’m not even kidding: “I’m just, I’m happy to be here AND I CAN’T WAIT TO SHARE Park City with these women.” C’mon editors. He sounds like Christopher Walken.

“I spent a lot of time outside with my grandfather my father and I have such fond memories… I’m hoping I can have these memories with the women, also!” So, wait, your dad and grandpa pranced around in bikinis all the time? Because I’m pretty sure that’s what’s on the plate this week.

KCB thinks “this is the perfect place to fall in love.” I’m in love with love! Love is lovey love love! She should be in a George Lucas movie.

Chris advises the women to catfight over Ben, because he be scarce. Date card already. “Rachel: let’s let nature take its course.” So, he’s going to let her die with dignity? That’s… romantic I guess? KCB starts crying in her confessional because she LURBS Ben so much. She’s already started planning what china she wants to buy for his BROW RIDGE.

—

Back from break, KCB still crying. But she takes comfort in seeing Ben for a second while he’s picking up Rachel. I’m not even kidding here. This is the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard. I’d say normally tell KCB to call me, but honestly, grow some self-esteem and THEN maybe we can talk. Ugh.

Rachel and Ben fly in a helicopter to a place with trees… and a lake. Ooh, Mad River Canoe! I have one of those. They’re using the wrong kind of canoe for a placid lake — it’s a flat-bottom whitewater canoe with no keel, so it’s a lot harder for amateur paddlers to keep it going in a straight line. WTF people.

ANYHOW, Ben starts kissing Rachel already. Christ. My current theory is his enormous brow ridge is keeping his face in shadow so these girls can’t see how ugly he is. Anyhow, they have NOTHING to talk about. Ouch. Hurts. The editors are playing up how awkward it is between them. They need to go back to kissing.

—

Ben’s stammering around trying to say: this gal is boring. I mean, Ben’s boring, and if the girl is boring, then they just stare at each other.

—

Date card! “Let’s see if you’re a great catch.” A whole passel of gals are going. Emily Awesomesauce Smart Blonde says she’s excited to go on a group date with Courtney, as she’s expected to be a huge bitch. We can hope!

I’ve been tweeting for the last couple minutes, and Ben and Rachel are still yammering away. From what I hear Rachel’s opened up and made her play for Ben, and is actually talking. Ben gives her the date after all.

Well edited, producers! Truly, you’ve generated a mini-story of this incredibly boring date.

“I hope that he’ll give me the chance to keep opening up.” That’s what she said! No, really. She said that.

—

On the group date, Ben says he’s looking forward to “showing these women his rougher side.” This is like Olivia Wilde saying she’d like to show her sexy side. Ben: you’re a caveman. It’s all rough, dude.

Ben rides in on a horse. He almost dumps it fording in a stream which makes me wonder how many takes that took. Horsey gal (Lindsy Lovelace) about wets herself. The producers milk the horse entrance for like five minutes.

Fly fishing! Girls love fishing! KCB is sad in her confessional again. And more than a little psycho-sounding, “He and I have a connection!” she says with her voice cracking.

Courtney the “model” is confessionalling a TON but saying absolutely nothing of interest. She’s possibly the most conniving and shallow person in the entire world. She asks Ben to wade upstream with her. “I love spending time with Courtney… I don’t know what it is!” Ben says with the wide-eyed idiocy of a Big Dumb Man. Oop, hold on, The Internet just handed me this envelope, addressed to Ben. Lemme just open it… here we go: “IT’S BOOBS.”

Cut to girls wondering where Ben is. For some reason they have beers and wine in big glasses in the middle of this remote stream. Kind of spoiling the illusion, producers, but I guess if they don’t keep the girls properly sauced there’s no drama.

Beautiful cut back to Ben with him saying, “Mustard is my favorite condiment.” Sometimes I love this show. Sometimes it is simply poetry. “Me too. Dijon.” says Courtney.

Lindzi approaches! Maybe. Courtney catches a fish. This is a big deal. Question mark? I don’t find it a big deal, but man the music is getting exciting. Earlier Ben said they had to catch their lunch, so I’m dying to watch these nine drunk gals fight over one tiny fish.

—

Sunset. Waldorf Astoria. The girls are all dressed up and Ben’s wearing… sweats? Like, with the dangly white cords coming from the hoodie. WTF, Ben. Can you pretend to bother?

Courtney is talking but I’m tuning it out because I hate her so much. Ben’s mine and these girls will know it now mwah mwah mwah.

Some girl with Ben now is telling Ben how her boss passed away a week before she came on the show, and he was “so full of life!” Evidence indicates otherwise. Ben says he lost a friend two days before shooting started, too. Aww! Bonding over people dying.

Samantha comes and tells Ben she needs one-on-one time with him. Urgently! She confessionals that she’s scary liking him already. She keeps asking these questions that are saying, “Are you seeing good things about me?” but are coming out as, “Why do you keep doing this?”

Ben SMACKS HER DOWN. Damn! He says she’s been super-emotional and he’s not even sure she’s here for him. Man, he’s dumb, because she just said she really likes him him. I don’t really know who this Samantha is, but she’s kind of cute, and he’s misreading this.

Ben cuts her immediately. Ben totally misunderstood her questions, and thought she was challenging his authority, and he did NOT like that. He’s all, “BITCH COMPLAINS ABOUT GROUP DATE‽ SHE GONE!” He actually rages a bit on-camera about how insolent she was to not enjoy her group dates. Class.

—

Meanwhile, at hotel: date card! “Jennifer Motherfuckingredhair, let’s pick our love song!”

Meanwhile, somewhere else, Ben wanders off with KCB. Ben says, “Today I wanted to kiss you so bad… in the river!” Ooh, you’re a dirty boy. Kiss that river! Kiss it good!

He gives KCB some of his magic lip action and suddenly she’s all smiles instead of all tears. I suddenly realized that Ben looks like Noah Wyle if Noah had a face like a caveman.

Courtney is MAD that Ben’s away with KCB, but now he’s taking her upstairs to kiss her. Ugh. She says inane things. Blah blah. She complains about the other girls being around and says she’s “lost sight of… of everything,” as she lets her towel slip down and expose her breasts in her tiny bikini. Holy cow she’s good at the “withdrawing” trick. OH GOSH BEN IF ONLY THERE WERE SOMETHING YOU COULD DO TO REASSURE ME HINT HINT DATE ROSE.

Another thing I noticed about Ben is his intonation is exactly like Tycho from Penny Arcade. I think I wrote that before. But, man, it’s hilarious. I’m imagining hyper-logical Tycho on a date with all these chicks.

ARGH BEN GOES DOWNSTAIRS AND GETS THE ROSE FOR HER. FUCKING HELL HE IS DUMB.

Courtney says, “Winning. Winning!” Ben says, “My decision to give Courtney the rose… wasn’t the decision I had made up earlier in the day, the rose was going to someone else.” He looks all puzzled at himself. Oh man he got manipulated so bad. This is really amazing to watch.

—

Red Sonjennifer is going on a first date with Ben today! I’m worried her hair will turn green when exposed to the outdoors.

Ben tells her they’re going to rappel into a super-deep crater. Jennifer is afraid of heights! Man, surprise. Who saw that coming. Except they’ve done this EVERY SEASON. Like, it’s always the heights thing.

So Jennifer and Ben strip down to their bathing suits. To rappel. Because: The Bachelor.

The girls are back at the hotel dishing about Courtney when she walks in, then they fall silent. Supposedly.

Ben and RED are dangling inside the crater, about to drop into the water below. Ben uses the old, “Relationships are all about trust” line they whip out every fucking season when they make a girl do something she’s afraid of. I’m going to use this on my next date. “Hey, stick your hand into this nest full of scorpions. Yah, I know you’re afraid. Just do it. Relationships are about trust. Come on. Be a dude. Do it. Come on.”

—

Ben and RED are having a picnic dinner on some rocks they’ve dressed up a ton with christmas lights and pillows and crap. Because, Park City! Come for the rock picnic dinners! It rains on them.

Back at the hotel, the girls are all bonding and giving each other makeovers, except for Courtney, who they all hate. Emily Awesomesauce has like five girls clustered around her doing her hair and giving her drinks and shit. Aww. Nothing brings people together more than a common enemy.

Back at the date, Ben gives the rose to RED. She puts it in her hair and never finds it again.

Ben says, “Come here” because he’s going to take her to a surprise concert, of course. I mean, I started typing that before it turned out to be true, because it’s always a concert on this show. It’s Clay Walker! Who? Who the fuck knows. Some hick.

“It makes me feel really special that Ben would put this together for me.” Does she honestly think Ben called his old buddy Clay and said, “Hey, I’m taking this redhead on a date, can you be waiting on a stage with a big crowd of people around you to serenade us? You’ll know when to start because you’ll see nothing but red.”

—

Rose cereMOANy. Courtney the bitch and RED are safe. Ben says, “At this point, it’s safe to say, that my wife is in that room.” Dude if you’re married maybe you shouldn’t be on The Bachelor! (I know I used that same joke last season, but they re-used their line, so I’m re-using mine.)

Emily is saying she’s going to tell Ben what a huge bitch Courtney is, which is historically an incredibly bad move. Pretty much it’s NEVER worked out for the tattle-tale.

Ben tells her she should not worry about other people. “It’s going to end up in your own demise” if she keeps tattling on Courtney. Man, do NOT challenge his authority! Him CAVE MAN. Emily’s smart enough to say, “When you call into question someone’s judgment it can be seen as a personal insult.” See, smart!

Now Emily and Casey (who? not KCB?) are arguing about Courtney — Casey thinks Courtney is “one of the most genuine people here.” Wow. “I love her. I LOVE HER!” Oh man. Casey manages to talk dumber than Courtney does. Casey runs and tells Courtney. Courtney is now on the warpath. “I’m a nice person DON’T FUCK WITH ME,” she says. Best sentence ever! “I want to shave her eyebrows off.”

—

Ben goes outside with some chick. It’s snowing. Ben notices it’s getting on him and looks like a wet dog. I expect him to shake himself all over.

Inside, Emily is feeling like she screwed up (she did) and they’re piecing together conversations out of thin air. I don’t trust this editing at all so there’s not much to report.

Emily asks Courtney why she’s laughing at something and Courtney says she’s laughing at Emily. Eek. Then: confrontation. Courtney confessionals more bitchiness. Emily confessionals crying. Man, the producers are SO leaving Emily for last pick.

Chris Harrison tinks his glass. Ben says it’s a big night for him. “The emotions are getting serious. Feelings are real!” Actual quote. I’m not just copy/pasting from the last 13 seasons! I swear. Not that you’d notice.